proudyungerman wrote on 28 Mar 2024 00:12:

always

foolie wrote on 28 Mar 2024 02:37:

One day at the International GYE Anonymous Convention I am going to challenge you to a public gripe off...start your engines... 

proudyungerman wrote on 28 Mar 2024 03:04:

my engine is always revved you should know that by now

What a beautiful post! You should be very proud of yourself. I am on the cusp of making that first call to HHM, and this post might finally get me to make the leap. HaShem had me open this post this morning and led me here. He is telling me that it is time to make the call.

Heeling wrote on 28 Mar 2024 01:06:


Clearly your mother doesn't know about GYE...

proudyungerman wrote on 28 Mar 2024 13:37:

If only she would know how strangers have changed my life....she would say 'I told you to stay away, especially from those who say they have the solution to happiness'.

Me - Dont you worry, Ma, these are just a bunch of grouches, grumping all day long. Nothing to worry about.

proudyungerman wrote on 27 Mar 2024 23:30:

My dear friend, I know you were nervous. Hey, so was I! Speaking to people, opening up about the things we have worked so hard for years to keep secret is very, very hard. No question. And in my first post back in Nov of '22 I wrote that it's so sad that I can't talk to anyone about this. I totally get you. All I meant to say was that you always SOUNDED great, like the wonderful person that are. I was not arguing, just complimenting you, for your courage, for your wise decision. And letting you know that it was wonderful to talk to you
And yes, for all those people out there that have not called anyone yet, please know: Yes, it is hard. But oh boy is it worth it!
Proudyungerman, you've got a lot to be proud about!

adam2014 wrote on 28 Mar 2024 10:00:

Do it!!!

For part 2 see here:  guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/409689-My-Journey-to-True-Intimacy?limit=15&start=15#411007

​Part 3 coming soon...

Hey, MAZAL TOV ON THE BIG NUMBER!!!!!
Many, many more, beH and with your hard work!
Keep on monster trucking!!!!

100!!! 
KOMT!

- Little Y

I feel that this is worthy of being posted here...

proudyungerman wrote on 04 Apr 2024 14:03:

As my day winds down guess what?!? It's raining!
A perfect ending to a terrible day...

Oh boy, now I have to care!! 

Here’s a warm snort hug!

Thinking of you. Hoping the weather turns better soon!

Yes, I could definitely relate

3. Learning to feel a real, deep, sublime pleasure and enjoyment out of beating my YH.

I am having trouble organizing my thoughts so please excuse me. 

This is my weakest link of the three and I hope to work on strengthening it soon. I believe that I came to this understanding through a combination of reading part of TBOTG, speaking to HHM and R' CO, and really contemplating the ideas that i learnt. 

For me, one of the main ideas that has been helpful in this area is the idea that I really am a good person. In the back of my mind I always knew that there was something wrong and broken about me if I could be engaging in such revolting behaviors. I have come to learn that, as HHM says, I have a ginormous chart up in shamayim that has millions, and I mean millions, of checks. These checks are many different sizes, big and small, depending on how well I fulfilled any given mitzvah. There's also a chart that has some pretty big black marks on it. I am not proud of those marks. Not proud at all. (Although, based on where I am headed now, there may come a time when I can truly appreciate where i made it to specifically because of those black marks.)

That does not negate my other chart at all! The fact that I messed up big in one particular area doesn't mean that I am rotten! Once I can accept that, I can learn to genuinely like myself, and from there begin to truly appreciate the mitzvos that I do.

Although I am not sure how to articulate this, in my mind this leads me to the next step. 
In TBOTG, and in conversations with R' CO and HHM, I learnt that the fact that I am obligated to do something doesn't mean that I cannot or should not celebrate me fulfilling that obligation. Especially when it is murderously hard to do! 

The more I contemplated this idea, I learnt a couple of things:
1. This really is the YH's trick. Is there any difference between choosing to not watch porn or calling a phone sex line and davening a real, true davening, learning a good seder, or putting on Tefillin with some mindfulness of what you are doing? I don't think so. I think the Y"H tricks us into what HHM calls "Jewish Perfectionism". If I have to do it then I get no credit for doing it right, just flak if I don't do it. Really, anything we do or don't do that we are supposed to is worthy of celebration.
(I have found this idea very helpful in other areas of life as well. I have been stuck without a regular chavrusa in the morning since Purim Katan. Ir has gotten progressively harder to learn well as the zman is drawing to a close. (See my non-valid rant in the grouchery...whatever. Maybe one day Redfaced will like me - or teach me how to properly rant...) I have found that the mornings that I really try this exercise before seder - and learn some עלי שור - I have a much higher probability of having a good seder.)

The truth is that as I was writing this, I realized that although what i just wrote may be true, it isn't really what has been helping me. At least not yet.

What I have found to be helpful in this vein was more the realization that I am now free. After a few weeks of doing HHM's 30 day challenge (היום יום 97!!) I suddenly realize that I was feeling a certain freedom that I hadn't ever felt before. I had stumbled upon the freedom of not having to look. What a crazy thought...I don't have to look?!?! I don't have to literally force myself not to avert my gaze?!?! And the answer was a resounding YES!  I actually do not have to look nor force myself not to look! I can actually simply not look where I don't want to and that's it.

Obviously this is not a static thing, and I need to continuously work at it, especially as we approach Pesach and the summer. However, now I have this part of the antidote. It is now up to me to do the work and continue to taste the tremendous feelings of success.