so basicly even if i stop now my marrige will be affected? also i dont think you chap how big my taivas are i wont have a problem with anyone

Any experience we have is ours to own forever, but with refocusing and creating new patterns we can, and will, make it but a wisp of a memory. 

johny wrote on 28 Sep 2023 22:17:

You can Read my thread…. When I started here I couldn’t even remember what clean felt like. It had been way longer than seven years.  

Vehkam wrote on 29 Sep 2023 10:22:

I second that. Vehkam's thread is a real eye-opener. Click the link below his post in his signature to see it.

I think part of dealing with it is saying that this is way beneath me and every other yid this is something that no one should have shaichis to and yes we are all much better than that and when you relize that it helps 

Understanding that intellectually these actions are beneath you is great, and that you need to change them. However if you go in with the attitude that they are not you and they are some other horrible alter ego who doesn’t “live up to the standards of a Bochur in a top yeshiva” you won’t get anywhere because these actions that are “beneath you” are you, not some horrible alter ego of someone who belongs in a “top yeshiva”

I think everyone knows by now that no "top yeshiva" is immune to these things. Tell me if I'm wrong but when people say "im in a top yeshiva and im doing this stuff" they are expressing frustration at living a double life which is more pronounced than someone who isnt in an environment where this is supposed to be avoided. L'havdil infinite havdalos, everyone knows abusing kids is a terrible thing, but when a Christian priest does it its much more "newsworthy". 

Hi @johny
B"H you've gotten so many amazing replies and food for thought. 
If I may add one point, part of recovery (and teshuva as well) is not just stopping to do what we did, but becoming a new person by building a strong new foundation (yesod) and life structure from the bottom up. 
There is a famous quote from someone that recovered from alcohol  addiction   "The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again. If I ever go back to being the man I once was, I will drink again."

The Rambam writes, about teshuva, the person should say, "I am no longer the same person that committed that sin" 

So back to what you've written "after having my head in the trash for the last 7 years im not so sure if i can ever get back to being clean completley" 
The answer to this is, the person you are now, might not be able to... But BE"H with the right steps and effort, you'll become a new person that can and will be strong and clean...

Thank you so much for that chizuk it really means a lot to me A Gut Yom Tov

sorry i have no idea what that spoiler thing is was a mistake

johny wrote on 29 Sep 2023 04:41:

My friend, you will deal with marriage when you get there, IYH you will be an amazing husband, and because you will have been proactive before marriage you will be in a great place to have an amazing relationship, but its not the topic of conversation now.

                        As a response for the previous posts. I get your feeling of double standard, I felt it too. You must be aware that falling into a depression or even looking at yourself lowly will not help things only harm them.... You will need a strong moral conviction and a sense of confidence that you can and will get clean, coupled with the knowledge you already have, that this isnt for me and this cant go on. However going down the dark path of "I am a loser" because I struggle will take you to a very dark place indeed. There are people that struggle in all kinds of areas and we dont know why each person has the nisyonos they do. But one thing we know is that you are not a bad person for having the challenges you have.

Thank you for that @bright

Hi! It's so nice to see people coming here to fix themselves and set their lives straight. My friend, I relate to alot of what you wrote. I've been in Kollel, went into chinuch, give shiurim in shuls, all while struggling with this garbage. Coming here and being open really helped me. Bh it's been over 400 days now. There is so much to learn here, there are so many good guys, and we want to here from you. You can tell us whatever you are struggling with, and we are hear to listen. And you can share your wins, and we will celebrate with you! Stick around, learn the ropes, and you will discover a new world.