Hello im a bocher in a top yeshiva and i have been struggling with porn since i was 13 i am now 20 and still heavily attatched even though i dont actually watch very often at all being that in yeshiva i dont have access to watch i send texts to random women to get them to text me pics or i text those 1800 numbers who auto send pics my issue is every time i see a women i think of sex and i dont see them as people rather sex also i cant stop thinking about sex even if i havent seen porn in months in my mind i play porn videos i am stuck and im tired of this whole game everyone thinks im a good bocher  but im an addict to sex 

You may very well still be a good bocher...

Thanks but after having my head in the trash for the last 7 years im not so sure if i can ever get back to being clean completley 

Guys who have had their heads in the trash for many more years than that have b'ezras Hashem become clean. Don't create a self fulfilling prophecy of doom.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Sep 2023 22:33:

I can only say I agree!

Welcome! So good to have you here!

Please check out these free resources:
ebook/book: The Battle of the Generation. Incredible book. It's a real game-changer.
Audio series: The Fight by Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier. Also incredible.

Links are below in my signature.

Hatzlocha!

Do you have a rebbi or mentor in this area?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Sep 2023 22:33:

I agree that one should be optimistic. I know firsthand, since I am an extreme pessimist. And believing that I am no good and that I'll never improve my situation has not been helpful. When I feel in despair, I am much more likely to slip.

Yep, its a big chutzpah on the YHs part first he tells you "pssst do it", the  he tells you "you no gudnik how could you". And we keep listening....

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Sep 2023 22:33:

Listen to what this guy is saying, he has helped so many people in situations that seemed - to them as hopeless - get them out of trash.
You can too!!

I used to but now they think im clean and i cant tell him im not

The problem is also im living a double life if anyone even my family knew what i was doing i would be an outcast poiseach al shtei seifin like i have 2 tabs open now

Hi Johny
First welcome and thank God for finding Gye at the age of 20 still before marriage.
There isn't a bigger poison for your life and for your marriage than using porn. You will never enjoy your future wife nor sex as long you don't get clean, and I'm sorry to tell you that it can take years to clean out the radioactivity porn leaves in our brain. But don't give up!
Just wanted to share,
1, I was heavily addicted and struggling with porn from the age of 13 till 30+ and I am today Bh' free of watching porn. There is hope if you are ready to Shvitz.
2, Stop thinking what others think about you as you never know with what they are struggling. 
3, I was a maggid shiur and struggled heavily, its not a contradiction. 
4, Hashem help me is a trusted member on Gye and its worth talking to him.
5, You have to find someone you trust and share your struggles. Hiding is feeding the addiction.

Have a wonderful yom tuv 

You have to realize how many good bocherim are on this website. And yes we‘re here because we struggle with porn. But we are still good bocherim. You say that if your family knew they would throw you out. That means they dont suspect anything. Why not? Because you are davening every day. You're learning every day. You're acting like a ben Torah. Is all that worthless because you struggle with something? As a fellow bocher im telling you that you're still a top guy. You have a struggle but you just dont know how to deal with it because its different than any others you have. But that doesn't make you bad. And Ive also been there with two tabs open. And gye took longer to load so... But that's not the end of it. Definitely get a partner/mentor. Someone who has struggled with this and overcome it has so much advice to offer.
and regardless of what happens, keep posting and keep us updated.
good luck

I’m going to say something that may be unpopular or sound combative or like I’m putting someone down I’m not. This idea you bochrim have where when you tell your story you all say I’m from a top yeshiva. What does that even mean because I’ll tell you what it sounds like to me, it sounds to me like you’re saying that you’re problems are beneath you and how dare they get in the way of your “fantasy holier than thou” image of yourself. Your problems are not beneath you nor separate from you they are you get off your high horse and deal with the reality of who you are it will go a long way in your struggle with your problems