parev wrote on 18 Mar 2024 15:11:

I would say yes, you can overcome the guilt. I forgot where I saw this, and who the story is from, but there was once a rav who said that the power of forgetfulness is one of the greatest gifts to mankind. Without it we would all be debilitated by guilt. 
do you feel guilty for lying to your parents when you where 5 and telling them you were sick and couldn't go to school? I assume not, because we recognize that that was just a immature thing done by a 5 year old. The same thing here. Once we break free, and truly leave it behind, you might feel some remorse for all the time and energy wasted chasing porn or whatever you might be struggling with, but you realize it was the immature actions of the past and doesn't define you at all. Just my thoughts

yitzchokm wrote on 18 Mar 2024 16:11:

I definitely agree with this, but would like to add something from a different angle:
In my experience, a big part of the strength and motivation for me came from the understanding of what the choice to take the leap off the cliff means. The list of reasons that acting out wasn't worth it is much more effective when I still was discovering what I'd been depriving myself of. That doesn't mean it's productive to label one's self as a failure, rather, the knowledge of the cost of making that decision in both ruchniyus and gashmiyus was easier to see as long as still remembered the feeling of being on the bottom. But, as time passed, I slowly forgot the depth of what it felt like. The basic term is SLIP+ Sobriety Loses Its Priority. I allowed more and more vigilance to slip away. Then, eventually, I fell. Now I'm working my way back and I'm looking to reclaim the sense of priority I once had Bsiyata Dishmaya.

I have written a lot about how I feel there is a critically important difference between regret and guilt.
Regret is primarily a positive emotion. It hurts, but it means that there is a part of me that is above the mistake, that regrets it. And it's forward thinking - looking towards freedom from that which a guy regrets. Guilt is crushing and negative, and usually counter-productive

How does one know if he has done Teshuva correctly?

Adam,
That is a very difficult thing to answer. 
Simply put, when someone does the 3 steps of tshuva they did it right. The 3 steps are.
1. Azivus hachiet- Leaving/stopping from sinning. Thats means that right now, you are %1,000 sure that you NEVER want to sin again, and you NEVER will! 
2. Charata al Ha'avar- Loosely translated as regretting past sins. That means you gotta accept that you sinned and you regret it now, you wish you never have done it. 
3.. Vidui- Confessing. That means you tell Hashem "Forgive me father for I have sinned, Im not denying it, nor am i running away from the truth, i know i messed up" I beg for forgiveness".

Thats it. 

adam2014 wrote on 19 Mar 2024 14:36:

Excellent question. The only thing I have to add to Chancy's post above is that a demonstration of teshuva is when you come to the same challenge again and succeed. Obviously one should not put themselves in a test. But when you've succeeded in real internal change to that extent, and done vidui/confession and charata/regret, teshuva is complete. In the Rambam's words, "until the one who knows the depths testifies that you will not return to the sin again."

Teshuva can be taken further - Rabbeinu Yonah in Sharei Teshuva  explains additional depth and feeling to this basic process (such as healing what you harmed etc.). But this is the process and if you do those 3 steps you've done a complete teshuva.

The mussar greats are quoted as having said that teshuva is 99 percent about the future, and 1 percent about the past. If you have changed your behaviours, if you are acting the way you know you should, the way you really want to, then you have done teshuva. And then, stop thinking about the past. That is the YH's tactic to get us down. After you have done teshuva, meaning, you have changed your behavior, the past is altered! The sin is as if it never happened! Just stop thinking about it! It is not productive, and truthfully, even if were not destructive, what's the point. Only look forward. And SMILE! 
Adam, I don't know you very well, but from what I've read, you are a wonderful, amazing person. Give yourself plenty of pats on the back, be very proud of yourself. And keep trucking!

chooseurname wrote on 19 Mar 2024 17:34:

Those words of the Rambam have caused much distress to many people. There are many explanations. 
I'll be madayeik that the Rambam writes it by charata, not by kabbala al ha'asid. I've heard from one of the sharfest rabbanim I know of, with his own diyukim in the rambam, that the meaning is that at the time that person is thinking of his past he has such charata that AT THAT MOMENT he is in state of mind that he would never do that again
But truly, what I wrote above is the Rambam's answer to Adam's question. היכי דמי בעל תשובה גמור, as we all know, he is presented with opportunities to sin, and he has changed his behavior. Adam, you fit the bill.

eerie wrote on 19 Mar 2024 17:41:

It's a difficult Rambam. If someone's teshuva is to make sure that he is never in a dangerous situation again, and he ensures that with proper filters and whatever else is needed, even if he would sin again without those fences I think he's fit the Rambam's definition. Rav Leuchter has a truly amazing shuir on this Rambam where he reads it as teshuva means connecting to Hashem and that will lead to not returning to the sin again.

adam2014 wrote on 19 Mar 2024 14:36:

what does correctly mean ?
to get to the highest correctas level of teshvua can/should be a life times work,
teshuva simply means: STANDING ON THE RIGHT PATH           (shaarei teshuva 1:2)
ADAM your definitaly on the correct path.

I believe that if a person has done Teshuva to the extent that in his current position he won't sin again even if given the same challenge where he failed, and later he has a new struggle and he falls, it counts as his first fall because his previous sin was already forgiven. It is only when he hasn't fully repented for his previous sin that it still counts. There is an opinion in the Gemara maseches Yoma regarding Yom Kippur, that Itzumo Shel Yom Mechaper even if the person didn't do Teshuva. The Tosfos Yshanim asks that if this is the case, then why was the Beis Hamikdash destroyed? Yom Kippur should have atoned for all sins. He answers that although Itzumo Shel Yom Mechaper, if a person goes back to his old ways after Yom Kippur, his previous sins also return. He doesn't write this regarding someone who did Teshuva. Since on Yom Kippur a person is at an unnatural spiritual level I am unsure whether his previous sins would count if he sins again even if he did Teshuva but under normal circumstances I don't think the previous sin returns once he did sincere Teshuva. Sometimes a person sins again because the Teshuva was never sincere and not because he had a new struggle. In such a case, of course his previous sins were never erased. I can't recall a source for my belief at the moment so I might be wrong.

youknowwho wrote on 18 Mar 2024 13:59:

Yes. 

adam2014 wrote on 19 Mar 2024 14:36:

IMHO I would say work on getting clean dont worry about tshuva now GD doesnt want you to think about it now. Become a new person for a good while, get to Yom Kippur and then well think about it. Tshuva at this point may serve to shlepp you back into the mud. You are doing great and Hashem loves you for it! (As an aside I heard many times from reliable sources that we dont pasken like the rambam rather like rabbeinu yona)

bright wrote on 20 Mar 2024 01:04:

What does Rabbeinu Yonah say differently than the Rambam?

Thank you, Eerie, and all of you guys. 
If the true measure of Teshuva is Stopping the sin, regretting doing it, and asking for forgiveness is all that is needed, then most problems in our collective lives are well within our grasp to fix and repair. I know the subject matter is infinitely more complex than that, but if those are the basic pretenses, we should all be on the right path.

I think it is safe to say that we are all 1000% sure we want to stop. We all regret doing them, and I am confident we have all begged for forgiveness.

Now, here is my "dumb question" of the week (I hope I limit it to only one)... If on Yom Kippur, we are all "spiritually cleansed,"... Why is there a need for daily and ongoing Teshuva?  Trust me, I am speaking from a place of ignorance, not trying to be a wise-ass.