ainshumyeiush wrote on 10 Dec 2023 22:45:

wow 
thats really great!!
thanks for the good news!

Hey AYSHY, thinking about you!

ainshumyeiush wrote on 10 Dec 2023 22:45:

Rockstar! Impressed as to how you accomplished it. 

I was recently talking to my grandfather and he casually mentioned that he hasn't had a drink in 15 years. I mentioned it to my father and he told me that my grandfather used to have a serious drinking problem. 
on the other hand my father doesn't either drink, because he doesn't enjoy it and doesn't like it at all.
i was thinking about it. Here's two people who both drink. And yet the ‘not drinking‘ is worlds apart. If they are both at an event serving alcohol, and both don't drink, one person has accomplished something, while the other just didn't drink.
its the same thing with us. By avoiding thoughts/situations/sights/whatever we are accomplishing amazing things. Not that we should compare ourselves to anyone else, but it made me think about how much my own ‘not doing‘ can be something to be proud of, even though it might not even register on someone elses radar.

Ask Gramps how he stopped drinking..

Next time your chavrusa is out and I go to BMG to learn with you -   NO ArtScroll for you! I was embarrassed...

Love the last point. 
One thought to add. It’s probably easier for your grandfather now than it was 15 years ago. But he still gets the extra “credit”now, as it were. Because he built that. 

KOMT

So there i was, minding my own business, stieging by seder, when suddenly, wham! I got hit by a strong urge. 
at first i was a little shocked, it seemingly came from nowhere. And i was also a little annoyed, because im not in the mood for fighting with an urge.
i took a few seconds to think, and realized that there where a lot of things bothering me. Someone kept bumping into my chair, my chavrusa made me repeat myself a lot, i needed a smoke break, it was stuffy in the bm, and some other stuff. All of the stress made me feel the need for a release, and in the past that meant porn.
then i made the decision to be annoyed. I decided to tell myself, "right now these things are annoying me and im stressed" and that was that. Im annoyed and stressed and i don't need a release. This things will stop when i leave seder and move on with my day. 

There's an issue that sometimes when im in a good spot, i forget what it was like when it was rough. I felt like i needed to boost my inspiration. After speaking with eerie, and doing my homework of writing a list of reasons to stay away from porn, and one of the reasons being that i will be desperate for more and always need it no matter what; i want to write about the time when i was the most controlled by it. This way i can come back and read it again if i ever need to.
there were many times i felt that i needed to quit, and tried and failed and felt horrible. But when i went to Israel i realized i needed outside help. When i first went, i was sure that i was safe. I didn't have anything on my phone, and there weren't any random devices lying about. I lasted a maybe a week without masterbation, but even then i comforted myself that i would stop once the porn images faded from memory. Then i got my hands on a book. Some random novel with some sex scenes in it. I read that book and then kept rereading the explicit parts of it multiple times. I started feeling a desperate craving for porn, like an itch inside of me that couldn't be scratched. My mind was working overtime thinking of ways to get it. Then i figured out a way. I would go to a filtered internet kiosk/cafe and found a way to download porn to my phone. I started with a cycle of going to that place, paying for the internet use, downloading the porn, watching it, deleting it and then going back. There where times when i felt like crying as i would walk to the kiosk. But i still went. I would often walk as fast as i could so i wouldn't have that inner turmoil for too long. The whole time, from when i would decide to go, to when i would download, to the walk back to my dira, the guilt and pain would build up, until i would use it and everything would fade. Until i would finish and feel disgusted with myself. Then delete everything and swear it was the last time. But i kept going back. There where times i would get back to my dira and delete it before i used it, only to go back a few minutes later to download it again. There were many early morning trips to the kotel after staying up all night watching porn, where i would cry desperate tears to Hashem to save me, but i wouldn't change anything and would maybe last a day at most. The internet place wasn't free, and although it was relatively cheap, i would spend money i needed for important things on it, even if my budget was tight. Every shabbat would start with me feeling relief that i couldn't download porn and would have a clean day, but often by the afternoon i was counting down the minutes to when i could go. It didn't matter what was happening, i needed it. Once after a full day of hiking, after a few days of hiking, i was beyond exhausted, but i literally dragged myself, half asleep to get my fix.
The filter on the computers was very strict and wouldn't let gye. Thankfully i had the number for abieham, who i got in touch with years before through gye, and he helped me out big time, but i usually wasn't very good about keeping in touch. This cycle kept going and i was feeling desperate. I asked a friend something along the lines of "how does someone know if they have an internet problem" and he answered me "it sounds like you are scared to admit it to yourself" that kind of shook me up and he got me the number of a psychologist in Israel, who i called and he gave me the number of a sex therapist. I booked an appointment, and went. I paid for it out of pocket with my own money. Im sure he is a great guy, and can and does help many people, but i didn't connect with him (as an aside, he thought gye was some sort of phone conference call and nothing more). The positive outcome was that my father called me to ask about the fact that a large sum of money was taken out (he was worried about fraud). I told him that i had a problem. He was super supportive and understanding, and encouraged me to find help. I felt like there was hope. We didn't get into specifics ("internet problem") and he said he would find a way to help me. I still was going back to download stuff, but i knew there was light at the end of the tunnel (and it wasn't a train). Then i found the aa book in a pile of hefker seforim in meah shearim, and got some chizzuk from it. I finally found a way to get to gye after my father mentioned it to me, and that's when this journey started.

Wow what an amazing post my friend. It must've really taken quite some energy and time to put all this into writing. Reading your post brings back my own memories (change time and place) of similar pain that you describe. The pain of being pulled and running as fast as my legs can take me towards porn, yet at the same time a voice in my head screaming out in pain to run the other direction. I definitely relate to the way you described how after hours of watching and the desire leaves you, there's this crying out and yearning to just be a good Jew. Just wanting to have a happy healthy relationship with Hashem, and just being able to serve him without all this pain and suffering.

Thanks for sharing! I'm sure it feels good to get this off your chest, and in a way it feels as if I'm getting something off my chest as well by just reading and relating to the pain.

That is incredible. The pain that you must have been in. If you replace the word "porn for "drugs", your story would have sounded like the typical drug addict on the street.  I can picture walking down the steps to the Hotel after a night of filth. It must have been awful. 

Maybe I will write my version of my "worst" times to document it and to look back and reflect on at some point. Unfortunately , my story is still being written. 

Amazing Post! You should be very proud of yourself. I sure am proud of you!

I hope everybody had a great shabbat. 
i was thinking, often the things that stress me out get stuck in my head and build up until they become overpowering and seem much scarier than they are. Or i think about them too much. I think a way to deal with them would be to write them down. That way 1, i can view them logically and 2, put them on paper and let my notebook worry about it. 
any thoughts or input?

Great idea! When we actualize something on paper it confines it the actual space it has on the paper. When we let it stew in our heads it can grow to the extent of our minds which are endless!

ainshumyeiush wrote on 30 Dec 2023 23:22:

great idea.
i would be intrested to hear how it works out. 

ainshumyeiush wrote on 26 Dec 2023 02:22:

wow 
what pain.
alot of it is so very reminiscent of my feelings.

I journal 3 pages a week, mostly about negative emotions. I found two ways of doing this. One is when I have negative emotions that are extremely powerful. They are making me extremely angry, stressed, etc. to the point that I am about to explode. I write everything down in a journal exactly the way I am thinking in my mind with all the negative emotions and all its severity. I write extreme powerful emotions exactly the way I feel them. The emotions are too strong for processing so I just write them out on paper as they are. This releases extreme amounts of tension and help me avoid a panic attack or screaming at someone.

The second type of journaling is when I have very strong emotions of anger, stress, etc. but I am not about to lose my mind. I may act out later if I don't resolve them. I write down what transpired, and my thoughts and emotions the way I see it. I am relaxed enough that although I see things subjectively I am capable of seeing other people's perspectives and pointing out the parts of my thinking that are objectively speaking irrational and I write them down as well. This actually treats the negative emotions with CBT the same way a psychologist would treat them. I am very trained at this from therapy sessions where my psychologist does this for me so I am actually in a way acting as my own psychologist. I bring my journaling to the psychology sessions but I have already done most of the work myself. All the techniques I use for CBT are in the cabin pressure section of the Flight to Freedom program. I also redeemed coins on GYE for Urge Surfing audio sessions that I use frequently for negative emotions. Nowadays, I am so good at this that I do it the second negative emotions surface, way before they have the time to lead to an urge to act out.