Quick update... I smashed the hell out of the phone and then put it into the crusher at work.. It is gone!

adam2014 wrote on 21 Nov 2023 10:38:

Love it! oh the power you have! 
Oh the rush that you felt then! 
With Hashems help we cant lose. 

Hi, ainshumyeiush.

I recently logged back into GYE and noticed your forum, from what I read, it seems that I was in a very similar situation 8 Years Ago. I struggled with P/M for 7 years as a bochur, and went to learn in Israel with hopes that I it will be easier to stay clean there ( It didn't work.)

I have been through the full yeshiva system, and know what a living hell it was to deal with this struggle.
Through tremendous amount of work ( Therapy, 12 Steps Etc.) I am going to celebrate 8 Years of sobriety, with a wife and 2 beautiful children. I would love love to connect with you over the phone/email. 

adam2014 wrote on 21 Nov 2023 10:38:

You brought a very valuable korban. Ask Hashem for something big - a refua for someone, chilfren, a shiduch, parnassa, etc.  Rav mendel Rimanover says that when one goes against his nature with mesirus nefesh, he can ask Hashem to go against His Nature (kavayachol)....

Ive tried that. Never worked for me. But many others have found it has and found it increased their positivity:)

Ive been away for a little bit, due to good reasons, but i had some falls when i was home. But worse than that, i haven't stayed focused. I missed a lot of reading the battle of the generation daily, and i haven't been in touch with guys over here as much. Now the old "what's so bad about porn" mindset is creeping back in. The old just cruising through life. I only realized this today that Ive been back sliding to a bad place. I have to stay focused on growth and keep moving up. 

Maybe give someone a call....

Rooting for you!

Hey, how are you doing?
Thinking about you. Hoping you're ok.
And even if you're not, it's better with friends...
Stay in touch, brother.

Chaim

Im still here, just been a little busy and haven't had the time or patience to post. Still keeping in touch with some people over the phone/texting

Bit by bit i tear of the scabs upon my heart, but the scabs have scabs beneath them. And as the layers peal off, my heart begins to feel anew. But im unused to the sensation and it hurts at times. Porn was not my problem, it was my solution for life's discomfort. And now i must deal with them head on. So Ive been hurt by someone, instead of just turning to the calming balm of the online drugs, i feel the pain. I have found the ability to forgive him, and writing this here is helping to clear myself of and residue of resentment. But the sensation of sensation is still new and i don't feel comfortable with it yet. I was numb for a little while, and avoided posting here, but now i feel again, albeit in a negative manner, but its better than not feeling at all. Its funny how the popular perception of "real men" is someone tough and unemotional, but in reality we are all effected by our emotions, and if we acknowledge them, we can control them, but if we ignore them we are controlled by them.

Such powerful and painful words…. your honesty and self-awareness is special. 

The truth in these words, or similar, never fails to make an impact on me:

So many guys here have said this in different ways, on and offline. So many of us are lonely, burning souls, often sensitive and struggling.

We fell in to using the wrong tools. Coming here, we are thankfully learning to live and feel, to act instead of react, to acknowledge pain and discomfort and actually deal with it instead of be controlled by it…. 

I relate to and appreciate what you have written. Keep posting please! 

There will be imyH be new, smooth, healthy growth on your heart after replacing the scabs, with Siyata Dishmaya… I think you’ll get there and help many others …

Thanks, 
Chaim

Dear ainshumyeiush,

There’s so much wisdom in each line of your post that is a lesson to us all.

I totally relate to what you’ve written. Even not knowing what the scabs are, I can still hope and pray for you…Hashem should help you find solace, peace and clarity!

Please keep on being the beacon of inspiration you are to so many here!

Good shabbos my friend 

I had a fall on Thursday night, huge thank you to eerie for his phone call on Friday that saved my Shabbos from being a time of wallowing in guilt to one of focusing on what I can do to keep growing.