Day 31
feeling much better today bh
i had an epiphany this morning. This zman has been very stressful and tough. And yet i still got to a full month clean. Yes there where some close calls. But now i realize that i can do it. I no longer feel destined for failure. Im not ‘healed‘ or somehow removed from the struggle. But i have the ability to stay clean. I still have to keep putting in work, but i now feel confident. I can think about never using porn ever again without feeling a panic. I now understand the idea that chaimoigen talks about, that i am a non-porn person. Porn is not part of my life. Its an external thing to avoid. I know that there will inevitably be times i will have urges, but i don't feel that its a part of my being. I hope everyone can join me in a l‘chaim for this milestone.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 14 Nov 2023 18:23:

L' Chaim! L' Chaim! L' Chaim Toivem V'Shuloim

Because you were honest yesterday and got your thoughts out - clearly expressed in your post, you were able to move on and move away from them. So many nice fellows keep all the feelings bottled up inside and never process them, and keep on falling. Being able to get a feeling out, define it, clarify what it is and what it is not, helps one conquer it.

foolie wrote on 14 Nov 2023 02:43:

Foolie, you have a way with words! 

ainshumyeiush wrote on 14 Nov 2023 18:23:

WOW. That is so deep, so honest and so powerful.
I just keep re-reading:


What an amazing accomplishment!!! You are my inspiration for the week R' ASY!!!

LiChayim! Bottoms up! 
Here’s to the non-smokerporner chabura! Here’s to life: No longer shackled to the constant niggling awareness of if/when I should get/use the cigarettesdevice or not. Free of the endless internal debate about what I want or dont want. Released from the weight of identifying with a living of oppressive secrecy and scuttling, fumbling around, grief, and blah/numbness. 

You, my friend, have risen. And have landed in real Chayim. It hurts like hell sometimes. But once your eyes have seen that horizon it’s hard to want to go back…. 

I think that feeling the difficulties and angst in situations, without access to numbing escapes, can help us be forced to go on to actually figure out how to genuinely deal with some of the issues.
Instead of just continuing the cycle of - Hurt. Numb. Repeat. 

You’re impressive! Here’s another shot of tequila! 

LiChayim! 
מאן דבעי חיים

Si vis pacem - parabellum
im going to be home for a little bit. The first time since i started my current streak. Last night i couldn't sleep and i kept thinking about all of the things i wanted to watch and see when i would be home and gave access. I was torn between the desire to stay clean and the desire for lust. I felt that falling would be unstoppable. Yes i have some tools in place, but i still felt that they would only help so much.
today, after speaking it over with foolie and hechochma, i realize i need to change my perspective. Im now heading home to finally break free of the cycle of falling every time im there. If i can stay strong this time, every time will be so much easier. Im facing a challenge i haven't faced in my 32 days of being clean, thereby solidifying that i can do it no matter the circumstances. I plan on expanding the list of people i have to update daily for this time, and i plan on only updating with good news.

Im blown away. Just listened to Eli Nash and rabbi yy Jacobson talking about porn addiction. Thank you to hechochma for telling me about it. 
listen here 
845-201-1933 shiur number 8460

ainshumyeiush wrote on 16 Nov 2023 20:05:

Way to take the bull by the horns - you just totally changed the rules of the game!!! We're rooting for you - Get in there and riff (Ignoramus attempt at guitar jargon)!!!

That is the right approach. You need to making "Going Home" a positive and a place where you can live your true self. I have the same type of situation when I go away on a business trip or in some cases, just when my wife leaves the house for a few hours. I have to see those times as potential opportunities to be clean to be free to be the person I know that I am.. It is truly about perspective. 

Sorry guys i fell. Not letting myself slide all the way back.

Im sitting here in a parking lot, in the car is a shopping bag with a bunch of smashed smartphones i kept after destroying. Some of them are 4 years old. I don't know why i kept them, maybe my thinking was that i would see them and remind myself not to get another. Regardless, i think its time to get rid of them. I don't know why, but for some reason im getting emotional about it. Its literally just a bag of broken computer chips, warped plastic and shattered screens.

"Its literally just a bag of broken computer chips, warped plastic and shattered screens." and holiness, greatness, dreams of continued growth, your neshama's beautiful songs, and the list goes on
My friend, it sounds like you are doing great. Keep on trucking! And please let us know about it:)

It is more than a bunch of electronic parts. It is a big part of your past and while you should throw them in the trash, the YH wants you to keep them and have you look at them and remind you of your past. He wants you miserable and weak and throwing them away is a sign of strength.

I currently have a cell phone in the drawer that I bought at one of my lowest points and that phone was strictly used for chatting with girls and watching porn. I literally never did anything else with that phone. It was my smut phone. I have not powered it up in a few years, but something is having  me keep it. I am looking at it right now as I type this.  I am throwing it away today.. I am taking it and smashing it, it let it takes its rightful place in the trash bin of history. I am not that person anymore and neither are you...... Be emotional, cry, scream or do whatever is inside you... let it out and then let it go.... Let today be the first day of the rest of your life. a clean and positive life!!

Thank you for sharing...I am following your lead 

adam2014 wrote on 20 Nov 2023 10:39:

Im sitting here shivering............... I wish i had an emoji for that......... 
What  you guys are doing is completly insane! Its so powerful i feel it all the way to my little office.  
This feeling that you have power over your desires, and that you are able to actually throw out bad habits and move on with freedom will stick with you on your journey forever! 
Now keep on growing and inspiring others to follow your leads in getting rid of those things that you know are no good. 

fyi, one of the most important things ive learned on this journey is not to fool myself. 
Sometimes you will fool yourself for years with reasons why you need this and that, and not even realize that you are lying to yourself! 
The moment you are able to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "cut it out! I know why you want to do that, im not stupid" is a huge game changer. 

Good luck