Hi Jeff098 - welcome to GYE

Your life story is amazing and as you see from the other members - there is light at at he end of the tunnel.

You've mentioned how difficult it's for you to STOP and that there are more things that you didn't share. 
Let's look a bit deeper and see if you're possibly suffering from an illness called addiction. 
(if yes, there are great options for help that has worked for many... we'll discuss) 

How would you answer to the questions below:

Obsessive Fantasy and Preoccupation: 
Do you spend hours, sometimes even days, fantasizing about it, planning for it, pursuing it, and engaging in it?
Loss of Control: 
Do you lose control over your ability to not engage in lustful fantasies and behaviors. 
Do you try to quit or cut back, making promises to yourself and others, but repeatedly fail in these efforts? 
Do you manage sometimes to control your behavior for a few days or weeks, but before we know it, you're back at it?
Negative Consequences:
Do you experience any problems for these behaviors, such as job loss, trouble in school, financial woes, ruined relationships, declining physical and/or emotional health, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, loss of time, loss of social standing, shame, isolation, arrest, etc?
Tolerance and Escalation: 
Do you find yourself engaging in lustful behaviors that hadn’t occurred to you early in the addictive process?
Do you act out in ways that violate your personal moral code, spiritual beliefs, and sometimes even the law?
Withdrawal: 
When you do go into withdrawal (stop acting out for a while) do you tend to become either depressed, or restless, irritable, and discontent?
Denial: 
Are you out of touch with the process, costs, and reality of your addiction? 
Do you routinely ignore the kinds of warning signs that would be obvious to a healthier person?
Do you externalize blame for the consequences of his lustful acting out?
Are you either unable or unwilling to see the destructive effects wrought by the behavior?

Hey Friend, 
I’m going to just add my small “amen” to much of what has been said here.
Thank God you’re here.

There are pathways forward, there is genuine hope, no matter how difficult your challenges. 

I’ll add my voice to chorus talking about the incredible value of connection. There are terrific people here who have a lot of experience, wisdom and knowledge and they can offer you advice, guidance, and encouragement. 

Genuine change happens gradually. So many here are suffering from decades of bad choices or even serious addiction (DavidTs post is incredibly important) and yet have made tremendous positive change.  No matter what, there is so much that you can do.

You no longer have to struggle lonely and alone.  There’s hopefulness. 
Take a warm hand, from a fellow sufferer. You’ll make it!

Hi all,

firstly Id like to thank you all for you support and encouragement. I never would have thought that support would go such a long way.

Day 2 is almost complete. id like to share my day and hope you have any tips for me. 

​I ride the subway every day to work. it's a long ride. this is usually the part of the day for most of my tests.

there are lots of people dressed immodestly, like I would say scantly dressed.

the way to work I learned almost the whole way there. I glanced a few times around Bec I had desires. 

on the way back it was super packed. and I was sitting down. I wasn't learning, I don't think I can in this environment. 

​a women, even though had tons of room on the seat sat close to me and started leaning on me.... this happens a lot to me, I'm young,  good looking and dress well...

it is the hardest thing for me to get up.... I'm not married and Ill be real, its kinda nice having a nice lady lean on me...

I know I have to give this up.....

​but I don't know if I want too.... And how too....

like what should I do???

DavidT wrote on 02 Aug 2023 14:21:

I believe yes to all besides the denial part

Jeff098 wrote on 02 Aug 2023 23:00:

Welcome aboard!

Here on this ride, we are all modesty dressed. The struggle is real and I feel your pain. Please be real and honest, that the only way (in my option) to over come these challenges.

Stick around. Read. Learn. Ask. Share. Grow.

Wishing you much luck,

I don't know if this helps, but aside for looking good and dressing well on the outside you are also a gem on the inside. You have a precious Jewish soul and being that you are on the GYE forum you are a holy person as well. The time will come and you will marry a precious Jewish girl who is holy as well. Is this disrespectful and spiritually devoid woman worthy of your attention? At the very least stand tall and realize how great you are, both for being Jewish and for consciously choosing to be holy.

Perhaps refraining from this will ultimately lead to finding your future wife who will be worthy of having you for many years to come.

yitzchokm wrote on 02 Aug 2023 23:45:

Ive read your words over and over. I'm really inspired.

​I am making a neder not to sit next to women on the subway and if a women sits next to me I will get up!!

In this merit I will get married to the best, most holy and beautiful wife! eshet chayil! and we all be blessed with the strength to overcome our yetzer Hara! and we will all be blessed with lots of parnassa Tova! and health and all the blessings!!!

We admire your courage to take this big step.

Perhaps consider not making an actual neder but rather a strong commitment beli neder, because nedarim are serious stuff.

Captain wrote on 03 Aug 2023 02:31:

I need to make this neder. I'm so tired of my old self. I either want to fix myself or die... 

Jeff098 wrote on 03 Aug 2023 03:42:

Perhaps try the taphsic method first... I understand your desire for instant change, we all do, however if you lock yourself up that way and fall you have bigger problems on your hands and you will be more depressed. Additionally, working on yourself slowly will have much better and longer lasting results than to make a jump into the yam suf (even though at times that is what is needed). Understand that you are human and your struggles are normal. Dont hate yourself for them. Self hate has never been a motivator for anything positive. The Satmer Rav famously agonized over the fact that a chossid taking the subway sees more immorality in a half hour than a man in the shtetl did his whole life... And this was fifty years ago. It would seem that many people have struggled with this, not just you. Hatzlacha, we are here for you!

Jeff098 wrote on 03 Aug 2023 03:42:

Consider the tortoise  & the Hare . It's the slow and steady progress that will get you to the finish line - which in your case means recovery.
Not acting out isn't necessarily recovery, if the internal changes didnt happen.
Keep on taking steps towards the goal and you will make it !!
Hatzlocha!! 

redfaced wrote on 03 Aug 2023 12:34:

What do you mean by internal changes? aren't we always gonna have desires?

We will (probably) always have some inappropriate desires. Although they do get less strong, and frequent, generally, when you don't engage them over time. 

The real question though is, who gets to decide the terms of the fight? Sometimes a master martial artist will get his opponent to attack full force just so that he can step aside and let him fall. When you are emotionally reacting to your yetzer hara, that creates ups and downs in your heart and mind that can get very rocky and unstable. The name of the game is to build your own proactive approach brick by brick, and then the Yetzer hara will be standing outside the door trying to trick you to let him in. You develop your base, this is how I do things, this is how I direct my emotions, this is how I put my values into action, and also this is how I respond to my various challenges, but based on solid ground and not on the hight of the moment. And if you need to crank up the emotion, you do so because you choose to. 

The Gemara in Kidushin 81/a tells a story:

Some women who had been taken captive were redeemed and brought to Nehardai. They were kept in the attic of Rav Amram the Chasid and the ladder was removed. At night, a beam of light reflected off one of the women, revealing her beauty. Rav Amram was seized with lust and he moved the ladder (which normally needs 10 people to move it) to ascend. As he was halfway up, he screamed "There is a fire in Rav Amram's house!" and the Rabanan flocked to his house. After they saw that there was no fire they said to him "You embarrassed us (with your behavior)!", answered Rav Amram: "It is better to suffer embarrassment in this world than in the next". Rav Amram put an oath on his evil inclination forcing it to leave him, and a pillar of fire left him.

Now that's an inspiring story! There’s so much we can learn from it.

Perhaps the most important lesson we can learn from this story is the power of letting other people know about your struggles.

One of the deepest problems with the addiction, is the aspect of secrecy that surrounds it. As long as a person says to themselves "no one knows anyway", it is very hard to even begin the journey to recovery. We need to open up to someone and tell them about our struggles. We need to shout "There's a fire!! a fire in my heart!! help me put it out!" ... Once people know, we can find the strength like Rav Amram did, to stop ourselves from falling even in the most difficult tests. The shame we feel in telling it over is a tremendous Kapparah on our past sins, and a strong prevention against future sins. And remember, it is much better to suffer embarrassment in this world than in the next.

And that is why group support is so important. Firstly, in group support we receive the support from others that we so desperately need. Secondly, we get to see how there are others even worse off than we are, and we can actually give them support (which in turn, strengthens us). And thirdly, we get to see how people, who were exactly in our situation - or even worse, have achieved sobriety and are well on their way to recovery! These are all very important features of group support. But perhaps the most important aspect of group support is that by opening up to others and staying in touch with them while we heal, we begin to finally feel accountability! An addict must internalize this truth, that it is the secrecy and hiding and lying that we've been doing for years that makes it so hard for us to begin the journey to recovery.

If you can't join the group (or even if you can), it is also very helpful to have someone close to you - or someone you respect, that you will be totally open with about this on a steady basis . No secrets, only the real truth. This is a very powerful tool - and a necessary one - for anyone serious about breaking free. The holy Sefer Noam Elimelech also speaks about what a powerful tool it is in breaking the strength of the Yetzer Hara if someone has a close friend that they tell about their struggles with the Yetzer Hara.

May Hashem be with us all on our journey!

Jeff098 wrote on 02 Aug 2023 23:00:

I and many of us (all of us?) here can very much relate to your struggle with the young lady. To echo Heeling, keep coming here and shedding the feelings around it honestly. Just say what you felt etc. It can help release the pressure and frustration, and you will receive support.