Hello to all that GD has given these challenges of P&M,

I just wanted to share the challenges and tests GD has given me in this world to make aware and comfort others who have this challenge as well. 

I was around 11/12 years old. After watching a movie went to take a shower and noticed a started getting aroused, that's first time I ever M. from there things spiraled downward. I started looking at clothing brochures which led to YouTube which led to porn to cams etc etc...

I tried so hard to stop, but obviously couldn't control myself especially Bec evrything was so accessible. When I finished High school I decided to go to yeshiva. I didn't necciseraly go to yeshiva to learn I went so I can stop P&M. I wad able to stop porn for quite some time but not masturbation. Btw I don't think ive been 2 weeks clean from masturbation since I started and I'm now 23... you can imagine how many dark days ive had....

Came back from yeshivah and still had this problem... I've done worse things that I'm to ashamed to share...

​I have asked GD many times to not return my soul in the morning, this test is to hard for me...  its constant with barly any breaks....

I came to a point where I just am accepting who I am in order to stop feeling depressed. but by doing so I'm loosing a lot of my connection to religion. I feel like no matter what I do it doesn't help so what's the point??

I stopped praying with minyan then stopped praying all together which led to other things... that's where I am right now in my life..

​Im I supposed to suffer like this my entire life??? is there a light at the end of the tunnel??? how will I ever get there???? 

I just wanna be a good person and to the right things... when I was bar mitzvah I said that's it I'm a man now I'm gonna take control over this. ive tried so many times but look at me now... 

this is my disability, weakness, my hell. If this is life I'm scared what hell is going to look like...

GD if you love me and everyone here Please help us out... 

Hay mate you came to the right place.

I know I skipped half your post, but hell should not be your concern right now.

There are some amazing people and tips on this site like SOS and flight to freadom.

People like HashemHelpMe, Eerie, Grant400 
Dov is very good resource.

Please reach out if you ever need.

Keep posting. 
Dont give up, as we havent on you.

Stay here and dont run away. 

Post everyday or as often as you can.

you have a fan crowd behind you.

EYES

Hi and welcome to the greatest group of growing people that Hashem has placed on his beautiful planet!
First of all, just a shout out for joining, that is the first step in the right direction! 
Second, in my humble opinion, (and I believe it is shared by most on this forum) this struggle has absolutely no relation to G-D, regarding the aspect of addiction. Meaning many wholesome and wonderful individuals who are only looking for a close relationship with Hashem in every aspect of their lives are still struggling with this. (Not to say that Kedusha and Taharah are irrelevant Ch”V, but they don’t take the front role in dealing with the issue.)
And third of all, please don’t accept that “it is what it is”, Hashem created the power of rejection just for this thought process! To reject the the feeling of accepting everything as is. Instead of acceptance, use rejection to believe in yourself and your ability to grow and change for the better!
You can do it together with all of us fighting together! Hatzlochah!

Is this working?

Dear Jeff098,

Thank you so much for joining. I feel your pain! I've gotten to a place where I felt I just couldn't go on any longer, like I'd fallen too many times to keep going. Failing again and again, and only getting worse. I was so sick of falling, of feeling like a failure, of the images in my head, of hiding my secret. I've wanted to end it all. 

Like eyes said, those people are great to be in touch with. Keep posting on the forum. 

"Im I supposed to suffer like this my entire life??? is there a light at the end of the tunnel??? how will I ever get there????"

I'm here to tell you unequivocally, without a doubt, 100%, There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not only that, but it is not so far away. 

You are not alone. And from my experience, we can't succeed in this journey alone. 

In two respects: 
One: We need to be able to share with others and hear their stories. The dark place of loneliness is the Yetzer Hara's strongest weapon.
It says that falling into P&M makes you weird and sick, and staying "clean" is normal. But the truth is just the opposite. Falling prey to the dangers of the internet etc. is normal. What is special is rising above and striving for purity. You'll find alot of special people here. 

2: We need Hashem's help. The Gemara says without Hashem's help a person can't stand against the Yetzer Hara (kiddushin daf Lamed). If we allow ourselves to be tested (not אונס), we will most likely fall. and if we don't look up to heaven in a moment of weakness, we will most likely fall. and Why is that? When it comes to this struggle in particular we need to know that it is bigger than us. Each on of us has a mission in the world, and carries seed that is the story of Klal Yisroel, the story of the purpose of the world. Each one of us has a Neshama that always remains pure at its roots, and we are meant to make it shine in every aspect of our lives. That is much bigger than us. Therefore the Nisyonos are much bigger than us. 
But the flip side is that it means Hashem is invested in us. No matter how far we have fallen, He is invested in our mission and our purpose, and in us. And nothing can stand in His way!!! 

And please please please, never be embarrassed to pray and to do mitzvos. I say this with tears in my eyes. Even straight after a fall, even if it seems impossible that Hashem wants to hear from you, longs for you, He Does. Wash your hands and pray with all your heart. Every baby step is precious! 



We want you back with us. Never give up. We've never given up on you. 



You sound very sincere. It seems like you've been fighting one heck of a fight for most of your life.

You don't need to fight any harder. It doesn't seem like you can fight any harder than you already have. What you need is to fight smarter. 

Use the tools you find here, use the forum. 

It will get easier!!! We Are With You!

Welcome! It's good to have you here.

You shared your frustration and things really hurt. I'm going to suggest reading The Battle of the Generation, which will help you change your perspective and outlook on this struggle, so you will instead fight with excitement rather than feeling negative. This should be used in addition to all the techniques of this site and that people are suggesting here. (It is available as free ebook or cheap printed copy. Please see the link below in my signature.)

Wishing you much success!

Captain

As I type this I'm sobbing,

​this is the first time sharing my story and to have people supporting me and cheering me on means the world to me. For over eleven years I'm been fighting all alone and has been so lonely, empty and dark...

Thank you! Love you all!

GD willing I will try to post every day at least till I hit 90 days clean.

Today by 10pm I will have GD willing completed day 1. My day started off early but I couldn't get out of bed for at least 2 hours Bec of my depression and sadness. Tried going back to sleep multiple times even though I was not tired....


​Im not familiar with this platform, so if anyone can share what I should start with first id really appreciate it.

ty

Jeff098 wrote on 01 Aug 2023 14:05:

Most if not all of us here have been in the exact same situation that you find yourself in now. Lots of guys here have reached tremendous heights in this fight - & so will  you.
Check out F2F and keep on posting - One of the greatest things about GYE is the  community & camaraderie.
Hatzlocha!!

Jeff, the way you express feeling overwhelmed by the caring of the brotherhood, I know just what you mean. We all know what you mean. Here we are brothers, we care about you, we want to hear how you are, what's on your mind. So keep posting! Check out the Flight to freedom program, which you can access on the homepage.
Speaking from my expreience, connecting to others has been the greatest game changer. My friend, you took a first bold step in posting. The second bold step will be hearing what your friends are telling you. The most destructive thing the YH does to us here is that he convinces us to view ourselves through the lens of our falls in this area. And we all have to realize that it's simply false!!! We are not defined by this one area. We are defined by our whole lives. That does not mean that it's not a problem! Of course it is, and we must work on fixing it, and that's why we are here. But it does not in and of itself DEFINE us. My friend, Hashem loves you and is waiting for the chance to have a relationship with you. To hear your beautiful voice daven, to watch you put on teffilin, to sit at your Shabbos table, and yes, you will also give him the nachas of seeing you break free.
Keep posting and KEEP TRUCKING!

Hi all, Really appreciate the encouragement. I really can’t see my self doing more than a few days without M....I don’t know what to do. Today is day one and I can’t hold my self the whole day I just want to let it out….I know this comes with consequences but the pleasure is just to good…. I love this pleasure I’ve been doing this almost daily even 5+ times a day.. for years….How do you guys just stop cold turkey?? This is the best pleasure I get in my life. Nothing excites me more than this….I know that I feel like garbage after, but right before doing it I have such a craving for this….What do you do to replace this pleasure??? How do you hold back for 90 days??? Or even forever???Pls if anyone has some guidance would really appreciate

If you are masturbating every day and can't see yourself stopping, perhaps try to not masturbate one out of every two days. And then after a couple of weeks you can move onto two out of every three days clean, etc.

Hey, I’m going to cut to the chase.

Obviously I don’t know you and take what I say with many grains of salt.

With that disclaimer I will share my thoughts:

You are not defined by who much you watch Porn or Masterbate.

Many of us suffer from this false notion that this is everything and that our lives are worthless so long as we’re not perfect in this inyan.

It’s just not true.

It’s wrong.

It’s not what Hashem wants.

You care about GD. You take life seriously.

And that admirable trait coupled with this poisonous world view has plunged you into depression and despair to the point where the rest of your religious life and quality of life in general, has declined greatly.

Indeed it could very well be you’d benefit from therapy/medication as I’d recommend you explore.

Honestly, I’d say for now, try to chill out, treat yourself nicely.

You’re really not such a bad guy I promise.

You matter even with falling in this stuff, your davening, learning etc still matters and try growing in other areas of your life so you can develope a proper view of where Porn and Masterbation fits in the world of a Jew.

I’m sorry I’m under the weather right now so I’m not writing so well.

And so you know, I resonate with asking Hashem nightly to not return my soul in the morning. Struggled with that for awhile…

Work out the depression, try viewing yourself positively and don’t let these stupid, toxic, and false notions of one’s subjective self worth infect your mind and continue bringing you down.

You Are In Control.

YeshivaGuy

Hi all, Really appreciate the encouragement. I really can’t see my self doing more than a few days without M....I don’t know what to do. Today is day one and I can’t hold my self the whole day I just want to let it out….I know this comes with consequences but the pleasure is just to good…. I love this pleasure I’ve been doing this almost daily even 5+ times a day.. for years….How do you guys just stop cold turkey?? This is the best pleasure I get in my life. Nothing excites me more than this….I know that I feel like garbage after, but right before doing it I have such a craving for this….What do you do to replace this pleasure??? How do you hold back for 90 days??? Or even forever???Pls if anyone has some guidance would really appreciate


Going from 5 times a day to 0 times in 90 days is indeed impossible. But that is not what we are trying to do here. 

Instead, we need to focus on what is happening right now. You might hear a voice in your head that says there's no way I can survive without "M" ever again. Then ask him, what about the next 5 minutes? Surely you can survive that, even if it is difficult. Offer those 5 minutes up to Hashem as a Korban, and it will surely be received ברצון. Then another 5 minutes. Then another. Then 10 minutes. half an hour, etc. 



The point of 90 days goal is to watch those minutes turn into days, and days to weeks. Baby steps. The point is not to feel overwhelmed. I tell myself, it is true I may fall eventually. but that is none of my business. I'm interested in today.  



Like we say in shema, אשר אנוכי מצוך היום. one day at a time.



Pleasure is a normal human need. We all need it. And Hashem created a beautiful world, full of pleasures that give us what we need. Our job is to use those pleasures in a way that they serve us instead of us serving them. We can set our lives up in a way that we get physical and spiritual pleasure but we are not slaves our desires. We are free men, my brother. We just have to stand up and march to freedom. 



I would suggest thinking about small things you can do to move toward a more pleasurable lifestyle that gives you pleasure and satisfaction, in a way you will feel good and proud of. Again, baby steps. take a walk, call a friend, do one mitzvah, learn one mishnah, do some exercise. 



חזק ואמץ

Hi all, Really appreciate the encouragement. I really can’t see my self doing more than a few days without M....I don’t know what to do. Today is day one and I can’t hold my self the whole day I just want to let it out….I know this comes with consequences but the pleasure is just to good…. I love this pleasure I’ve been doing this almost daily even 5+ times a day.. for years….How do you guys just stop cold turkey?? This is the best pleasure I get in my life. Nothing excites me more than this….I know that I feel like garbage after, but right before doing it I have such a craving for this….What do you do to replace this pleasure??? How do you hold back for 90 days??? Or even forever???Pls if anyone has some guidance would really appreciateJeff098, I and probably everyone on GYE hear and feel you loud an clear! It is hard to imagine a life without P and M. I can tell you from experience, that this is a distortion of reality. Once you are out, and you will get there, you will see how much, much better life is! It is impossible to describe to someone still imprisoned, but it is the truth! It is not just about getting rid of all those negative emotions! It is a life filled with feeling and meaning. But its like trying to explain the freedom of capitalism to someone living in North Korea....