shmira101 wrote on 18 Jul 2023 16:29:

Life is growth. The moment the apple stops growing on the tree, it begins to decay. 
Maybe that's why "Tov Meod" is the Yetzer- because he gives us the possibility of constant growth by putting up his constant challenges.
Main thing is to absolutely kill it today!  
אם יהיה לבן חיל!!!!!

חזק ואמץ

I suppose the corrolary of this is what the gemara says אי אפשר לבית המדרש בלא חידוש. And there is supposed to be a yerushalmi that adds אין בית מדרש בלא חידוש כל יום.

Something I was thinking this morning in mussaf. 
We come with a “laundry list” to Hashem for the month. We ask for a whole bunch of things. I got caught on two of them. ״לששון ולשמחה, לישועה ולנחמה״, why in that order, shouldn’t it be the other way around? After receiving the salvation and comfort we can be happy and glad, not be happy before the salvation comes. 
I would like to offer that maybe the ישועה and נחמה are specifically after ששון ושמחה because only when we are happy and fulfilled can we get the salvation and accept the comfort. It comes through the happiness!
א גוט חודש!!!

Awesome insight!!

I would like to share something which shocked me to the point of silence, and I think that for now I will just let myself absorb the strength of it. 

איכה ג׳;ל״א
״כי לא יזנח לעולם ה׳ ״
Artscroll,
“For the Lord will not reject forever”. 

No comment just acceptance.
מהרה יבנה ביתו 

A therapist once told me, there's a fine line between "privacy" and "hiding," between "tznius" and "ungenuine". When you keep things private and don't reveal things about yourself because it is not appropriate or because the Kavod won't do good for you, or because you want to develop it futher before you share it with others, that's tznius. But when you hide things because you are embarrassed, or because you are afraid you are "different" or "weird," or because you feel you need to maintain an image, that creates a black hole in a person's life and feeds the yetzer hara and the dark side.
For me that was the biggest thing GYE helped me with. I was able to share and to hear real stories and tips from real people, I was also able to use the tools and lessons they taught me to rise out of the hole I had sunken into. But the tools and practical implementation were definitely a necessary step 2.   

I would like to offer an understanding of the word ״עקב״ in way of דרוש that I think applies to many of us here. 
the common understanding of the word עקב is heel, meaning מצוות שאדם דש בעקיבו. I would like to offer that it can also be translated as support, like a heel which supports us. We are accustomed to give very little attention to our heels. However it is the base and support of our entire body to keep us upright. 
I think that if you use this understanding we can explain “והי׳ עקב תשמעון” when you will accept that many “small” things are integral parts of our stability, and they will be used as a springboard for growth, Hashem will reciprocate in kind to return the value of the small things in life. 
To translate into “gye terms”, I treated a very important base point of marriage as a heel, not giving it its proper focus and respect. Now B”H with much Chessed from Hashem I am working towards treating it as a base and springboard for growth. And Hashem in his kindness Let’s me value a smile from my beautiful wife, a giggle from my baby, as the fruit of respecting the “mundane”…
Just a thought, take it or leave it. 

shmira101 wrote on 01 Aug 2023 06:53:

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

I’ll take it. 
Thank you!

Interesting point I’ve recently noticed. It is obviously my feeling and situation that causes this but I think others might be able to relate, but again feel free to disregard if not applicable to you.
I am noticing that during time of issur nidah, it is easier for me to stay away from inappropriate viewing, both online and off. I find that I am much more aware of myself regarding where and what I look at, from the beginning of her period until mikva. This doesn’t mean to say that I look wherever I want, it means that I have an easier time controlling my impulses. 
I think the reason may be because since I am working on creating an intimate connection INDEPENDENT of the bedroom, I don’t view everything in terms of the “bedroom”, ergo, it’s easier to stay focused. (This does not mean to say that the bedroom intimacy doesn’t have any importance, it sure does, but it isn’t the all around focus of everything else.) 
Any thoughts would be appreciated. 

shmira101 wrote on 21 Aug 2023 04:51:

I think I can relate, but can you elaborate a bit more? What happens to you when she is clean? 

Interesting observation. I think I could relate also. After my wife gave birth I thought it would be super difficult to wait for months until she recovered, but it was a lot easier than I thought. I think it's just natural that when you get your body excited it brings up thoughts etc. 

I'm wondering if it's worth considering how you think about intimacy as a holy endeavor (without being extreme or ascetic of course). For myself I think it makes a difference if I'm thinking about יחוד  and the shechina, picturing in my mind the "ש" on my tefillin shel rosh, thinking a tefillah in my mind... Those things make intimacy a different world, and separate it from those things I try to avoid thinking about day to day.  

shmira101 wrote on 21 Aug 2023 04:51:

I can relate. 
For me there is a simpler factor- I find it easier to fast than to diet properly. Sometimes keeping entirely away from arousal and sexual desire is easier than experiencing sexual tension (and sometimes frustration) and still channeling it properly. 

But I think you’re saying something deeper. I think that you are saying that when you are focusing on the non-sexual aspects of intimacy , on connecting in other ways- this helps a person raise himself to a higher place, where his need to connect is less likely to get confused with the pull of lust. That’s powerful. Not sure if it works for everyone- I’m going to think on it a little, see if it part of what I experience and if it helps me. 

thanks!
Keep soaring!

richtig wrote on 21 Aug 2023 09:55:



I will try to explain a little better.
during the time of Hetter, there is a delicate balance between true and forged connection, intimacy vs lust. Meaning even if I am completely TRULY satisfying her, physically and emotionally, there is the physical element which tends to get carried away. 
דהיינו, since there is a part which is very physically pleasurable, to paraphrase Reb Shlome Volbe Zatzal, “it is very easy to get flattered”, to think that everything is perfect emotionally, that there is a perfect connection. The balance of giving vs taking, of lust vs intimate connection, is challenged not to get fooled to think everything is good. 

However, during the time of Issur, it is easier not to fall into the trap of physical connection, due to the complete lack of any. Therefore the focus of proper union without physical connection is easier to focus on. To work towards a proper sync is easier when there isn’t any potential stumbling block. More then that, the connection is more honest and it is easier to rise above physical focus because of its lack.
I hope this gives you a better understanding of what I mean. 

syataDshmaya wrote on 21 Aug 2023 11:25:

I think you bring up two interesting points. 
I fully concur with your first point, however I was trying to bring out a little more than that, although I do agree with your point. 

To address your second point, I personally don’t believe that thinking of it in terms of “הויכע זאכן” works generally for me. I believe that for me, those things are better left to those in generations past. I try to view the holiness of intimacy as the greatest form of giving that a person can give. Meaning to strive towards being a complete giver and everything included in that. Not to get back, not to have a better relationship, but to be a giver- to satisfy another person, ( whom I deeply love and respect) without any personal strings attached. That for me is the ultimate goal for the time being, and my kavanos of intimacy.
I do hope one day to include in that all the many special thoughts and kavanos you wrote about, however as of right now personally I am nowhere near there.