true_self wrote on 11 Jan 2024 21:47:

Or maybe you are keeping all of the guys following your story on your very popular thread up-to-date?

hechochma wrote on 12 Jan 2024 05:27:

Only the guys I talk to on the phone are somewhat up-to-date 

I found this from Dov just in time for this weeks torah portion:

"I see the analogy of yetzias mitzrayim applying to Hashem taking us out of the house of slaves, as most do. But with one difference that few choose to talk of:

I see the comparison of the addict (that means me) most closely to what Hashem did for Par'oh, rather than for the B'nei Yisra'el. Par'oh promises over and over again that he'll let go. But he holds on. He even swears that Hashem is 100% right, and that he is dead wrong, yet then hangs onto his beliefs that the Jews can't possibly be given up!

He makes a bankrupt fool of himself over and again, with every makkoh....and still doesn't just let go! How much he suffered! How unmanageable his life and kingdom became! Yet he just could not accept it.... this is my story, and that of most addicts I know. We are exactly the same. "Es asher his'alalti bemitzrayim" - "how I played with/made fools of mitzrayim" We were deep into dotage. It is disgusting, really. How I am 100% devoted and running after seeing the right picture of a selfish and shameless prusteh shiksa and feeling myself to my orgasm - it all becomes so precious and beautiful to me, even with the lying and fakery it usually entails, not to mention my little mess on the floor... How debonair.

Then Par'oh seems to finally hit bottom. He suddenly realizes that he cannot afford to keep holding onto his precious Jews! He runs to recovery. "Go! Go! Get out of my hair now!"

This time he is really contrite. He takes action, puts on a filter, tells his wife all about it, starts going to meetings, a shrink, whatever.

But it does not last long. As soon as he sees the first glimmer of freedom, he interprets it in the funniest way:

"I am cured! Maybe I was a bit ill before, but now, finally, I see things rationally and I am in control!" We see that Par'oh felt cured of his Jew-fetish! So...how did he react? The RaMBa"N points out, "what kind of fruitcake lunatic (OK, so I paraphrase a bit) would surge forward into a miraculously split sea after his quarry? Did he actually think it was split for him, to catch them?!" What does this mean? It means he was reduced to an idiot and a fool. A Captain Ahab crazy with 'Jew-fever', he was.

How did that happen? Didn't he just 'let those people go'?

Simple. He decided that if he were no longer sick - if he was actually able to let go of his Jews, that proves that he is no longer powerless over his lust to keep Jews. He has truly learned his lesson. So now he can recapture them and not fall prey to insane suffering - if they cost him too much next time, he'll just let them go! Just like the smoker: He says to nagging relatives who say, "Harry, you're addicted!" that he "could easily give smoking up at any time! So shut up!" Hmm. Touchy, isn't he? Then he coughs his guts up one night too many and decides to test himself. And behold! He gives it up for a whole week! Will this guy quit? Maybe. But if he is truly an addict, he will most likely take a lesson from his success that he can now control and enjoy it like a gentleman, like everyone else. Just a single smoke after dinner, once in a while. Of course, soon he is back at the races chain smoking again, and his 'control' phase is a distant memory a raspy year or two later.

Par'oh ran after his Jews as soon as he saw he could let them go! "If I can let them go, then why quit!? Control and enjoy it!"

Get it?

This is my story, and I am not alone.

Par'oh ends up in Nineveh, helping the horses (and people!) do teshuvah of some kind - and here we are on GYE helping addicts   (and lots of non-addicts, too) learn that it was never the last drink (schmutzfest) that got them in trouble, but it was always and only the 1st one! We - if we are indeed addicts - are powerless to control the first drink we take. That takes a lot of humility (or humiliation) to admit. Admitting we are actually powerless over the first drink is not normal. Normal people (even normal yidden!!) can take a drink of lust without ending up in the toilet bowl. Not me. That is the 1st step of a long, slow, and beautiful recovery.

Have a nice day!"

Enjoy!
I relate to this very much, does anyone else?
Gut Shabbos!

true_self wrote on 12 Jan 2024 13:23:

Yes! Gorgeous.

Hi everyone! Hope you're all doing good.

A shtikel update: I think that it's about time for me to decide that I've hit rock-bottom (not that I know what that means). I'm realizing that I can no longer afford to go in circles, my acting out is exacerbating my marriage progressively, if I continue with my current behavioural pattern, we will split up somewhere down to road, it's only a matter of time!
I'm also starting to realize how 90% (if not 100) of my motivation to stop acting out is attributable to the concrete and immediate consequence that result from my wife knowing (fear of confession), it is not by accident that I consciously or subconsciously convince myself before acting out that 'this time I'll be able to hide it, etc.. It might be good to keep me sober for now, maybe even for an extended period, but eventually I need to come to realize how I am in danger of losing my life (the little that still survived) if I continue acting out, even if it's only once in a few month.

Life continues...
#STSD!

true_self wrote on 14 Jan 2024 20:38:

The realization should not be perceived as a negative thing. You can view it in a positive light as well. It is a opportunity to turn to a new road, a road that will hopefully provide you will the relief you so badly desire! 

Stay strong, we're here with you! Take the measures that work for you and keep on inspiring us all along the way!

As a wise fellow once wrote... Life continues...

- Little Yiftach'l

Thanks for sharing these vulnerable stuff..

May I ask what ur planning now doing differently?

true_self wrote on 14 Jan 2024 20:38:

sigh
its rough and tough
i wish i could help but i do extend a warm embrace

Thanks everyone for bearing with me.

@Yiftach'l, I am0 (TG) viewing it in a positive light, as an opportunity for achieving surrendering, to raise the white flag in realization that I'm defeated! Albeit, it very painful and I need help with how to do that (which I will hopefully get for a sponsor sooner or later god willing).

I'm planning to join SA.

@zzz613, speaking with you can actually help me, Thanks.

And yes, life still continues...

You are a very good man.

Please realize: Just as coming here and admitting that a person has a problem is, for many, the first step in being able to deal with the problem; so too can admitting that one is powerless be a powerful step to access the power of recovery.

More power to you!

chaimoigen wrote on 15 Jan 2024 14:40:

Thank you Chaim for your kind words as always.

I'm having a hard time understanding what you mean by 'power of recovery', I'd appreciate if you can give me some of your precious time to elaborate on that (no need for a lengthy post ), thanks again.

First meeting was today.

true_self wrote on 17 Jan 2024 17:49:

Wow! Best of luck!

P.s. Are u gonna leave us? Hope not! In the past, a lot of guys disappeared after starting the program

true_self wrote on 15 Jan 2024 19:00:

I haven’t experienced being in the program, so I can’t describe it. But I know that when you get into it, you start to feel internal changes that can open new doors up in a way you haven’t experienced. That’s what I meant about the power of being in recovery. 

ImyH you will share your journey with us, as much as you wish to. 

Salute! 
Chaim 

willdoit wrote on 17 Jan 2024 18:44:

Well, there's a reason why they did.

Writing and sharing etc. while hiding behind a false username is shtuyot and helpless in contrast to sharing 2 minutes about oneself in front of 10 real people that know his real (first) name and see his face!