Hi everyone this is my very first time writing about myself on the forum.

I have now been posting on the forum for a while, and now I took my time to open my very own thread and tell my story.
Thanks to all my friends here who are constantly helping me, giving me inspiration, aspiration, motivation, positivity and ambition.
Special thanks to Eerie, HHM & Cordnoy (and acharon acharon chaviv my wife).

MY STORY - LIVING WITH TWO IDENTITIES UNTIL REVEALING MY TRUE SELF.

I grew up in a chassidish community & had a pretty regular childhood.
I was first exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior that took place between my close friends back in school when I was around 9 years old, but I was not physically involved (for the most of it) & have never been attracted to guys sexualy.
In yeshiva ketana at the age of 14 a friend exposed me to a lot of adult information about sex mastubation etc. basically like many of us, my first exposure to this topic was not in the way it should have been.
Ever since then I started masturbating from time to time just for the pleasure it gave me, only after a while did I discover that it's a great sin (a friend also told me).
I wanted to stop mastubating so hard but unfortunately it was not going, every time after I mastubated I promised to myself that it's the last time. I used to count how many times I masturbated but eventually I lost track.
In those days my main triggers (this is what I remember now) where catalogues, magazines etc. (anything with lust images) and on the streets, (at some stage I can remember gazing at the same model in a catalogue repeatedly while m* I literally felt deeply connected with her, those images still come up in my mind with all the details from time to time).
As time passed & I kept on falling again & again, I started to realize that It's a serious struggle that won't disappear overnight, little did I know of what awaits…
As time went on I got on to the internet and  browsed inappropriate images, it then continued to videos and inappropriate sites and platforms. I felt like slowly being dragged into more & more of this unwanted behavior, and I did not have the tools to get out of it, I was trapped.
Almost 2 years ago at the age of 18 I was first exposed to real porn. At first it was a huge shock for my brain but later on I became more & more accustomed to it & eventually stayed up till very late at night to watch porn & masturbate.
Not long after that I b"h got engaged, 5 month later I got married besha tova, between my engagement & my wedding I almost didn't watch any porn, that made me believe that I can solve it by myself, after all this was the biggest secret in my life & I was not yet ready to open up to someone else about it.
The first few month after I got married I was completely clean from P&M & I thought that I've achieved true freedom; but very soon as the stressers came along the way I discovered that I was still imprisoned, It was very hard for me to face the fact that even after having an awesome marriage with such a wonderful wife I'm still watching this garbage...
It was already from right after my engagement that I started having challenging thoughts about sharing my struggle with my wife in the future; however I still couldn't imagine myself sharing it.

Today I’m married for almost a year. I did not have a typical shana rishona, (more details in the future beH) we had many challenging experiences together which made us grow stronger & better.
One night (19 mar 23) it was after 2 very tough weeks for me with a lot of stress, & I have been heavily engaging in porn & masturbation to a point that it occupied my head completely, I wasn't focused during the day.
My wife has a really strong intuition & she sensed that something is wrong with me, she had nudged me several times in the past to tell her what bothers me but I always got away with all sorts of explanations that it's nothing major, however at that point I felt that I can no longer hide it from her, I could no longer keep it a secret. The pain of living a life with two identities was  already unbearable, I felt like an hypocrite & that I’m betraying my wife.
I did the unbelievable and shared it with my wife, to my surprise (or not quite, i did know her quite well by then) she was very accepting understanding emphasizing and comforting, It was a tremendously awesome experience, I sobbed myself out until I was dry from tears, and so did she (and yes I do recognize that I have tons of what to be grateful for to hashem for such a wife, and I am).
Previously I felt that I'm living a double life with two identities & if anyone would discover my dark side I would be done… forever, no respect, no love, no empathy… from here and on it all changed.
I find it that opening up to another person, and to even a anonymous community like GYE, and realizing that I’m not crazy or any different then my friends in real life, but actually a normal human being like everyone, where the first and most essential steps of my recovery.
I’m not a hypocrite, I'm a beautiful and  wonderful person that does many good things, and also struggles with the struggles of this generation (shoutout to Eerie).
I’m privileged to be  part of a battalion of soldiers on the frontlines of the toughest battles against the enemy.
I look at my struggles and see the great opportunities that are hidden within them, and I reflect on how they haveshaped me and made me who I am today.
I did not yet reach freedom but I did reach the path leading to freedom!
With the support of all my special friends out here I do it day by day.
I’m no longer alone.
Thanks for reading and understanding, comments and feedback of all kind are welcome!!!
I hope that some people can learn and gather strength from my story
More to come beH…

Now I truly feel that I’m my true self!!!
True self.

Thank you for sharing! Great and heartfelt post. Looking forward to hearing more of your story, and learning and growing from it.

(P.S. Your wife is awesome.)

wow wow wow amazing!!

Thank you so much. It takes a lot of Koach to formulate such a post. But more to get to where you are now.
Individuals like you are holding up the world - fighting back against the unbelievable tidal wave of Tumah. It's a chizzuk to be here along with you, I know we will have a lot to learn from you!. yasher Koach and Chazak

My dear friend, you are such a special person! Every word speaks of your strong desire to end the problematic behaviours. And you will prevail, beH. You have so much to be thankful for that your wife is your so supportive. Let her know how appreciative you are! 
My friend, you are an inspiration, and it's an honor to know you. Keep trucking, sharing, posting and soaring!

Wow, that's absolutely amazing!

Wow wow wow!!

Reb True Self, this post is for the books, so well written, so clear and warm. You are on the right track and climbing up on the right ladder!
we spoke on the phone already and I told you already how lucky you’re that you wife is a help and part in your success!!

I want to let the Oilem know that, we are lucky to have you here! You are such a special person and you are looking for the best!

Before we finished our conversation I told you that I have a feeling that you’re such a calm and warm person and you agreed to me, so GYE gained another role model!!

I wish you all the best (and Mazel Tov

Hi all my friends, Thank you  so much for all warm encouraging and appreciative replies (I guess I did not get any welcome because I'm already Heimish here )

I'm blown away about how random people at the other side of the globe (I live in Europe) are here to support me and are interested in my success.
This is a community built by every single one of us, everyone adds a unique taste and flavor to the battle.

My story would have evolved completely different If only I would have all this support earlier, but this is the way hashem wanted it to happen and I fully accept it.

In my first post I wrote about my history of struggles, now I want to take some time to write about where the battlefields are in these days.
B"H I did not watch any porn for over 2 month since I joined GYE, However I do acknowledge that a big factor is because I don't have easy access to it anymore, otherwise I'd probably fall multiple times since, what I'm trying to clarify is, that I credit the restriction I've created, not the little inner strength or real change in self control.
If a unfiltered device would get into my hands somehow, I'm not very confident that I would be able to stay clean, and this makes me feel weak...
Any advice on how to improve self control? How do you feel about yourself in this area? and what improved it? Did it just disappear with the time?
I'll keep my post bitesize, although there's still a lot to write about.

Thanks for taking the time to read.
True self

Welcome. Beautiful first posts. Your wife deserves a gold medal. You are very inspiring and it is the fellows like you that not only break free, but with time they also b'ezras Hashem help out many others. 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 29 May 2023 11:18:

Thank you so much HHM.
Your words mean a lot to me, I aspire to help other (like you, and many other wonderful people here).
And yes my wife definitely deserves a gold medal, I know it more than all of you. but I just can't yet effort it  , I don't know how to completely make her feel how much I appreciate her help, go explain to women what its means for men to have a encouraging wife... , she thinks that its not more than demanded and expected from her to do what she does, however much I try to explain to her how amazing she is (regarding this) she just says: well, of course! what then am I here for...

Ok I actually exaggerated now, but this is somewhat of the feeling I get from her reponds, (when I tell her she's special and many other women are not like her, she says: I know...)

true_self wrote on 29 May 2023 11:39:

One way would be to make sure she has her own support... Her world just cane crashing down... 

Shmuel wrote on 29 May 2023 11:50:

That's so true. and of course she does get some support, she's signed up to the spouses program of GYE.
​But it's not enough (and she tells me clearly that she feels she doesn't get enough support), she is looking for someone to speak to but didn't yet find (any suggestions?).
The forum in the spouses program doesn't work and is inactive and she really wants it to work as it can be a big help, she told me (kiddingly) that its not fair that I have all my friends here and she doesn't have a forum.

That's amazing! 
hopefully the moderators can see this and direct you/her to the right person.
Also, i doubt she is kidding when she says that... 

Shmuel wrote on 29 May 2023 12:20:

I referred to what she says that it's not fair that I have all friends and support here.
But she is serious about feeling alone because she doesn't have a forum.

true_self wrote on 29 May 2023 09:29:

in order to improve self control. i highly recommend reading "the battle of the generation" every day. that helps me immeasurably.