A massive win buddy

fightingthefight wrote on 24 May 2023 10:01:

Can I just say, you told us the answer to that- you said what would have happened two weeks ago- you have come such a long way from there! The guilt may be a siman of how far you've come, or it may be stam atzas hayeitzer to shlep you down, feeling bad about yourself. You are doing great! Thanks for being mechazek me

Are you kidding me. Halevai I get to this madreiga. Basic musser and many stories of gedolei Yisroel (Lithuanian, chassidm, Ashkenazi, and sefardi), are full of the idea that it’s the fight we put in that’s the real nachas to Hashem yisborach.

Tanya is busy with this and brings zohar that when a yid bends his yetzer, even for short while, there is no bigger simcha to Hashem and as he states in Zohar that this avodah go all the way to kisei hakovod and is valued more than any shevachim that is relayed to him

Tanya further explains, that depression (atzvus), due to avodas Hashem is because one doesn’t realize where he stands and might mistakenly think he’s a tzaddik and should not have bad thoughts. He emphasises that halevei one should be a beininu “Shu achas”.

you’re doing great and don’t drop the fight. Proud of you brother!

Massive win!!!

I find this concept too. I'm striving for perfection and I obsess over the slightest slip, when two days earlier just this slip was 100% amazing. It's counterproductive and should be ignored.Keep shteiging!

fightingthefight wrote on 24 May 2023 10:01:

My friend this is a huge win!
The fact that hashem gave you this nisayon shows that he believes in you that you can win.
Regarding the inappropriate thoughts, It's totally normal and common, and it might still be above your level of bechira not to engage in these thoughts.
​About handling these thought this is what I once heard from Rabbi Y. Y. Jacobson and it was helpful for me; You are not your thoughts! think how you are the bright light and your thoughts are the grey clouds that will pass soon (hope I'm quoting him right, but this is the idea).
So there's no need to feel guilty these are thoughts that many of us here have in triggering situations, you are growing now more than ever before and the yetzer hara is not very happy about it, keep of fighting! celebrate your victories and don't ever give up!!!
You are an example and an inspiration for all of us here!

Wishing you not to lose the fight ever.
True self

WOW.. What great responses… I was not “fishing” for compliments, but have to admit that it felt good. I guess I am making the “Perfect the enemy of the Good”….I need to continue to celebrate the victories and just try to limit the battles that I have to fight.

BTW, depression is known by seforim, especially talmidei besht to worsen this problem! I'm a living eidus. The brain uses dopamine releases (which is from pleasure), to lift the pain of depression and even physical pain. When in relations (holy, of course), we sometimes lose ourselves to the moments that Hashem wants us to have and we can feel no emotional and possibly no physical pain. When certain chemicals are lacking (and can happen from unhappiness and sadness; temporarily or nebech, becomes a mum to a person), we need dopamine bursts, which P and M are extremely relaxing and offer a false sense of calmness due to the knowledge of a yid that he's doing an aveira r"l.

But dopamine from P and M, the brain and nervous system actually adapt to it and we need more and more of it. Different triggers and next levels in P (don't want to specify), will be needed for that release! And that's one of the reasons "even" goyim want to get rid of this bad habit. They cannot get releases in normal life anymore... It's biology of the brain, that I learned alot about

It's a fight and let's keep fighting and possibly hit some wins.

Kol Tuv

fightingthefight wrote on 24 May 2023 20:40:

The Oilam already shtelled avek the halacha here pretty clearly. If I may just add my two cents, I think it's much more than not letting perfect be the enemy of good. I don't see why this is not perfect. My friend, you and I Iive in a sick world where all the ideas of decency and morality have long disappeared. You went to have a meeting with a person, trying to support your family the way you should, you didn't ask for it but the YH sent you a test. What did you DO? You fought back and WON! The thoughts that swirled, did you ask them to come, did you actively think about it? No. So this was nothing less than perfect! Even if you did let yourself go astray a little, my friend, you won the battle and the war, and you have come so far from two weeks ago, so keep on shteiging! Please keep us in the loop:)

I want some emergency intervention. I am on day five clean, and my wife will be gone for the entire day; I will be home alone. I already hear the Yetzer laughing, telling me that once she is gone, you can have some fun. I am very proud of my growth in the past month or so, and five days is a big deal for me, and I want to make it six, then seven, then eight.....

Any quick advice for a guy who thinks he has a tough day ahead of him? 

Thanks in advance

Congratulations for taking the first right step to protect yourself, by posting here.

I don't know your exact situation so its hard to advise, but if possible...
1) Remove easy access.
2) Get strong accountability. (if you don't yet have, you can get it just for one day)
3) Plan a program you will enjoy doing, (hobbies etc. not something that puts pressure)
4) Reach out to a friend.

Good luck! and looking forward to hear that you made it clean beH.

You already took the best first step by proactively getting it out here. Your ex not just asking others got help, you’re also telling yourself, in writing, what you really want. 
keep yourself busy with productive things and stay checked in with the oilam here. 
hatzlacha!

fightingthefight wrote on 06 Jun 2023 10:29:

you can make a long to do list and number it in priority order.  Then follow the list. That way your time is spoken for and there is less opportunity for distractions.

Make up to text or call an accountability partner two or three times a day and find productive things to be busy with. If you have time on your hands, surprise your wife by making a great supper for when she returns, polish the silver, do the laundry, etc...

I am working from home and do have a busy day. I will keep extra busy, and yes, I will cook dinner... but as we all know, it only takes a moment of weakness to ruin the day... I will check in with you guys throughout the day, and when I get the feeling, I will first turn to you...



She has her own computer that is unprotected and is something that I worry about. I only have my work computer, and that is heavily moderated.



It could be a great day if I stay strong!! 

Stay strong!! We are here with you!
Try making shorter milestones to reach throughout the day.  Make it to noon, etc. Put a sticky note on your screen with a smiley face on it. 
Also try walking outside for a few minute throughout the day. Look up - and ask the rebono she olam for help
We are having you in mind, chaver!