Welcome, Guest

Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating
(0 viewing) 
Welcome to our forum! Introduce yourself here (anonymously, of course) and get a warm welcome from the rest of the community!

TOPIC: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 11282 Views

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 17 May 2023 21:55 #395841

  • Heeling
  • Current streak: 153 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 910
  • Karma: 38

Hey, Yitz, you’re doing great. I just want to throw in my two cents about marriage.

There are a lot of married men who feel a certain emptiness in their bedroom be it for their desire for men, or another woman. I was like that for a while and BH in the last 2 months I’ve made a lot of progress.

Marriage isn’t about having ‘having sex with a girl’ its about having that deep, loving connection (that you mentioned) with your wife and much more. No interaction with a man can come close to a healthy, loving caring relationship between husband and wife. Until two months ago I was not in a good place and BH I’ve changed a lot and I can you tell you that my marriage has changed drastically, my relationship with my wife is so much stronger and deeper because I’m refraining from schmutz.

So, while your doing a wonderful job and making progress, the yetzer hora will come and tell you how good an interaction with can be with a man and how ‘having sex with a girl’ wont satisfy you. But with Hashems help you will stay clean and IYH find your shidduch in the right time, work on that deep, loving, caring, supportive relationship with your wife and u’ll tell me then which one is better.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is a very important aspect of marriage but that’s not what it’s all about….

You can win the fight, but I'll have to live with the loser.

Any excuse you use for yourself, you must be willing to use for your wife.

Not Always can I understand others, but I can always respect their wishes.

You're human, it's okay.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Last Edit: 17 May 2023 22:10 by Heeling.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 17 May 2023 22:11 #395845

  • yitz23
  • Current streak: 21 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 89
  • Karma: 12
I definitely hear you.

I wonder if Chancy would see it the same way.

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
                      -Kenny Rogers,
The Gambler

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 03:24 #395856

  • gevura shebyesod
  • Current streak: 1313 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 4183
  • Karma: 505
I’m right there along with you…

My brain knows that Heeling is right, but my heart can’t help feeling like Yitz. 
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant


My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 13:27 #395862

  • true_self
  • Current streak: 42 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 528
  • Karma: 16
Heeling wrote on 17 May 2023 21:55:

Hey, Yitz, you’re doing great. I just want to throw in my two cents about marriage.

There are a lot of married men who feel a certain emptiness in their bedroom be it for their desire for men, or another woman. I was like that for a while and BH in the last 2 months I’ve made a lot of progress.

Marriage isn’t about having ‘having sex with a girl’ its about having that deep, loving connection (that you mentioned) with your wife and much more. No interaction with a man can come close to a healthy, loving caring relationship between husband and wife. Until two months ago I was not in a good place and BH I’ve changed a lot and I can you tell you that my marriage has changed drastically, my relationship with my wife is so much stronger and deeper because I’m refraining from schmutz.

So, while your doing a wonderful job and making progress, the yetzer hora will come and tell you how good an interaction with can be with a man and how ‘having sex with a girl’ wont satisfy you. But with Hashems help you will stay clean and IYH find your shidduch in the right time, work on that deep, loving, caring, supportive relationship with your wife and u’ll tell me then which one is better.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is a very important aspect of marriage but that’s not what it’s all about….
At the same time, no one knows better that you the difficulty of creating and maintaining deep, healthy connections with male peers. It's one thing to know that you need it. It's another thing to execute it.


Very well explained Heeling! it's so true.

I would like to share some of my thoughts and experience on this.

The primary purpose of sex is to connect and give to your wife, the more you focus on giving her what she needs and doing what pleases her the more satisfied both partners will be, When you stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself the connection starts to decrease and fades away.
This is just the way hashem created our world.
Having sex for a kosher outlet and in order to be able to refrain from unwanted sexual behavior outside marriage is only the secondary purpose, and is not the prefered way a marriage should be like.
So when thinking about getting married, what should come to one's mind is, I want to give for another person to an extent of treating them more than myself, as the Ramban writes "ולכבדה יותר מגופו"
"Marriage is a give and give" the more you give the more she gives.
The contrast to all this is in at least most gay relationships as everyone looks to satisfy himself.

"Marriage is a give and give" the more you give the more she will give in return.

All the best
True self
My thread: From two identities to True self

If you want to reachout to me to talk please email: wish2banonym@gmail.com

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 15:06 #395866

  • grant400
  • Current streak: 3 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1490
  • Karma: 173
true_self wrote on 18 May 2023 13:27:

The primary purpose of sex....focus... "and doing what pleases her..."

Which in some (my) cases means not doing anything to please her...
Last Edit: 18 May 2023 15:59 by grant400.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 17:23 #395869

  • chancy
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 527
  • Karma: 22
yitz23 wrote on 17 May 2023 22:11:
I definitely hear you.

I wonder if Chancy would see it the same way.

What do  you mean?

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 17:30 #395870

  • Bennyh
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 527
  • Karma: 46
yitz23 wrote on 17 May 2023 21:28:

I am getting depressed thinking that I will never have another male experience ever again. Even if I get married and have sex with a girl, I will always be celibate klapei that deep emptiness of, and longing for, the deep, loving connection with another man that I've never had.

Dear Yitz,

I want to wade in here. People are already giving you amazing insight into what real marriage is all about, but I want to give you a personal spin on it.

I can identify with you on a certain level because I'm not physically attracted to my wife. And I'm married for over 10 years.

However, I have the deepest, most exhilarating relationship with her that I can ever imagine two human beings having. And it only gets better with time.

And while I'm not sexually attracted to her body or looks, I'm sexually attracted to her soul and being as a person who is my best friend and partner in life. 

You can reach out to me privately if you'd like.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 18:01 #395872

  • grant400
  • Current streak: 3 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1490
  • Karma: 173
Bennyh wrote on 18 May 2023 17:30:

yitz23 wrote on 17 May 2023 21:28:

I am getting depressed thinking that I will never have another male experience ever again. Even if I get married and have sex with a girl, I will always be celibate klapei that deep emptiness of, and longing for, the deep, loving connection with another man that I've never had.

Dear Yitz,

I want to wade in here. People are already giving you amazing insight into what real marriage is all about, but I want to give you a personal spin on it.

I can identify with you on a certain level because I'm not physically attracted to my wife. And I'm married for over 10 years.

However, I have the deepest, most exhilarating relationship with her that I can ever imagine two human beings having. And it only gets better with time.

And while I'm not sexually attracted to her body or looks, I'm sexually attracted to her soul and being as a person who is my best friend and partner in life. 

You can reach out to me privately if you'd like.

Blowing my mind. Can you expound?

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 19:32 #395879

  • yitz23
  • Current streak: 21 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 89
  • Karma: 12
chancy wrote on 18 May 2023 17:23:

yitz23 wrote on 17 May 2023 22:11:
I definitely hear you.

I wonder if Chancy would see it the same way.

What do  you mean?


Thanks for the question.

I mean to try and clarify the conflicting messages that I'm receiving from you and others on the thread.

On the one hand, I'm being told that undesired attractions are the manifestation of an emotional lacking. (For you it is, as you said, a feeling of not being seen (needing attention) and of unworthiness. For me it is something like loneliness and self-loathing and unworthiness.)

I can accept that.

Then you wrote that I "don't need to act out physically with guys but rather work on making close relationships with them."

I don't know if that is practical advice for me. There is a reason I don't have these relationships sufficiently as of now, and that reason is likely to stick around with me for the foreseeable future. You yourself say, heartbreakingly, that you don't have any friends at all (and presumably, that is why your SSA attraction is still so active despite how much you want it to go away).

Then I went on to say that even if I do create a healthy relationship with my future wife, it still won't satisfy the feelings that underlie my SSA, since my emotional system feels, somehow, that sexual closeness with a male is what I need to fill that emptiness (otherwise I wouldn't be attracted to men!).

That leaves me with the concern that I'll always be wanting to act out with a guy, and that I can't look forward to marriage to satisfy that. That, in my mind, is a bleak outlook, always so deeply craving what I will never be able to get.

(Edit: This is not to take away from the beautiful and hopeful points that Heeling, Bennyh and True_self brought up, I look forward so much to a warm, healthy marriage, I just wonder if it will be as effective on my SSA as they seem to believe.)

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
                      -Kenny Rogers,
The Gambler
Last Edit: 18 May 2023 20:00 by yitz23.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 21:07 #395886

  • grant400
  • Current streak: 3 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1490
  • Karma: 173
This may be me not understanding the SSA struggle, but if you are also attracted to women, and you have a wife, then why is the desire for a man any different than a desire for another woman, position, threesome, style etc.?

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 18 May 2023 21:07 #395887

  • grant400
  • Current streak: 3 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1490
  • Karma: 173
This may be me not understanding the SSA struggle correctly, but if you are also attracted to women, and you have a wife, then why is the desire for a man any different than a desire for another woman, position, threesome, ethnicity, color,style etc.?
Last Edit: 18 May 2023 21:08 by grant400.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 19 May 2023 01:33 #395907

  • yitz23
  • Current streak: 21 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 89
  • Karma: 12
Great question Grant

In a certain sense you are certainly right.

However, I think that from a psychological/emotional perspective, a healthy, straight man's sexual-emotional needs are (at least theoretically) fully satiated by his wife. He doesn't really need to sleep with another woman to gain completeness, he just wants to because of purely physical attraction (or his relationship with his wife is underdeveloped).

A bisexual man, while he's getting the feminine love from his wife, is still suffering from the lack of masculine affection (which could also be a lack in his self-affection). He needs to really get to the bottom of his issues in order to feel sexually satisfied and complete in his marital relationship.

(But listen, I'm just a bochur pontificating from his dorm room, were someone to consider my opinion insufficiently experienced, it would be a sound argument.) 

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
                      -Kenny Rogers,
The Gambler

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 19 May 2023 01:41 #395909

  • grant400
  • Current streak: 3 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1490
  • Karma: 173
I hear you Yitz, you definitely write with clarity and I understand your point, but I'm way out of my depths in this topic.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 21 May 2023 03:40 #395938

  • yitz23
  • Current streak: 21 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 89
  • Karma: 12
Day 26 winds down, and I am now clean for longer than I ever have been since I started masturbating before my Bar Mitzvah.

Thanks for riding with me. I'm poised to make it to Day 30 and then Day 40, b'ezras Hashem.

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
                      -Kenny Rogers,
The Gambler

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 21 May 2023 12:30 #395948

  • grant400
  • Current streak: 3 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1490
  • Karma: 173
Fire!
Time to create page: 0.70 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes