Hi guys 

I'm a low-twenties single guy (I'll say it - yeshiva bochur) and this is my first-ever post.

I masturbate almost daily (usually in the mornings - just makes it seem so much easier to face the day...)

The thing is I am not that motivated to stop right now, I just am coming to GYE for the comraderie and to connect with people who share my struggles. Masturbating just helps me so much. If you define addiction as getting in the way of having a productive life, I am no addict. I am talented, happy in yeshiva, and pretty popular. I just can't for the life of me stop masturbating.

I have a very precarious relationship with my parents. (I actually think my mom is sexually attracted to me. She's never done anything that would prove it to me beyond a doubt, but its the feeling I get and how she looks at me and certain things she's said/done over the years.) I feel that I providing an emotional need to mom that she isn't receiving from her aloof husband (my father). It winds up feeling suffocating for me and I often feel really angry and sulky when I'm at home.

I also am afflicted with SSA, and while I haven't acted out explicitly with other men in a long time, I am always checking them out and masturbating about them. It is also manifested in small touches and pats that I give and get from my friends (mainly give) without telling them that I am getting sexual gratification for the contact. I never know if they caught onto me, though.

Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely I call gay phone sex lines to talk to other men. I have a kosher phone, but I can't filter who I call, so it can be a challenge during periods that I'm struggling with it (it's on and off).

Thanks for reading. If you all out there could respond to some part of my post, or just cheer me on, it would be super nice.

Sincerely, 
yitz23

PS Please don't drop any bombs on me or use scare tactics. thank you

Hi Yitz, welcome!

you are trying to stop m. but do not have a strong enough motivation to stop. You can succeed BeH by using the tools and support here.

I would hesitate to call you gay. Just Because you have certain attractions and tendencies, it does not mean that is your future lot.

you sound smart and perceptive, I would recommend considering therapy.

hatzlacha!

Thanks frank.lee

I am in therapy, BH very successfully, for many years. Has really helped me with with self-esteem, relationships, anxiety etc.

I never was really motivated to deal with m. though. I still am not.

Maybe I just don't know how great life is without masturbating?

I know I'm not gay, I'm bi, but I like to say gay.

hi yitz23, as a fellow 23 yo, i'd like to welcome you to the forums!

you're writing is well articulated, And you seem to be pretty well in touch w yourself.
there's a lot to think about from what you wrote, but you sound like a smart guy and probably understand what to think about/work on, especially being that you're in therapy as you mentioned.
stick around, fight the good fight, and if you put in the work you'll get there one step at a time.
hatzlacha

When I was young I gave massages and thought that no-one realized that it was really sexual gratification. 
Eventually I realized that most people know good and well and are not stupid, but just refrain from saying something since they do not want to confront or embarrass the giver of the pat.
Masturbating is a tool that we are using to accomplish/gain something (emotional release, relaxation, pleasure, fill boredom, or something else). Once I realized this I started looking for a substitute.
Think about this.

Great! Do you discuss m?

Life is totally awesome without m! On multiple fronts.

Are you interested in getting married in the near future? I'd still say that just because you like pleasure, it doesn't mean you are specifically bi but I assume that is not an important issue for you...

m111 wrote on 16 Apr 2023 10:26:


Would you share your substitute ?

I don't really discuss m. all that much.

I am interested in looking to get married soon. Do you think I should put that off to deal with this?

Hey, your story is similar to mine. Gye is our safe place

Which part is similar?

Can anyone out there relate to the mother enmeshment? I hear very little about this stuff in our world...

I'm going through a similar thing with my mother but not s*xual just the emotional thing that you are describing

I'd think you should discuss it with your therapist, and the part about your mother. Is it possible that she just loves you as a mother, and your yetzer h is giving you fantasies, meaning misinterpreting?

I can't give an opinion if you should push off marriage, I don't know enough about you. What does your therapist and/or Rav/mentor say?

Well, I couldn't tell you if I'm misinterpreting, and I guess it's something I'll never know for sure, but if you mean to suggest that it is my sexual fantasy to have my mother be into me like that, I can unequivocally tell you that is not the case. It nice that you are being honest with your opinion, but I find it offensive that you would believe crazy theory over my own intuition.

Do you think I like having this situation? Do you realize how unsafe and gross it feels to have sexual suspicions contaminate the pure, loving, nurturing mother-son relationship? Do you think I think about this to get my kicks?

This is besides the fact that this subject is far beyond what any mentor of mine is remotely comfortable to discuss, even those who are open to talking about SSA. Its just too unthinkable. It's also beyond the capabilities of any rabbi I've spoken with to meaningfully address the issue.

I wish you would have believed me.

doingtshuva wrote on 16 Apr 2023 20:37:

I think that everyones subsitute has to personally match their personality and what works for them, but listening to music, and I mean good deep music, not the modern cheap music that gets put out by singers, prevides a decent subsitute for a few of the needs. Try an album like Chabad Centennial https://www.chabad.org/multimedia/music_cdo/aid/862353/jewish/Chabad-Centennial-Celebration.htm which is old deep niggunim blended in a Claasical music style.

Really? I love Chabad's music as well, but it can't seriously give you the emotional release provided by masturbating, can it?