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TOPIC: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 11273 Views

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 20 Jun 2023 18:20 #397846

cordnoy
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chancy wrote on 20 Jun 2023 17:55:

Wow!
I can handle pain as much as the other guy but never liked being spanked as I dont have much of a butt, im very skinny....lol
Thank Hashem for that.......
Anyways, what you are describing is a very real and known phenomenon, ask any therapist about it or look it up on a mental health site to understand. Its incredible that you figured it out by yourself, that means you are getting to the bottom of your own mind.
Keep on digging but remeber that you are not your mind...... You are so much bigger and more capable, a human being especially a Yid has so much power and potential that its a waste to spend our short lives just trying to figure out what our brains want.... we could be telling them what we want!

Good luck and keep it real, brother!

I will not wade into the dirty waters as to what type of butt likes bein' spanked or not, but I just wanna congratulate you on your year anniversary; that is truly special! Godspeed to you for years to come!

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 20 Jun 2023 23:43 #397860

eerie
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yitz23 wrote on 19 Jun 2023 03:39:

Thanks, all, for the words of wisdom, for the words of commiseration, and for the elusive junction of the two that we try to occupy.

I woke up today again with a massive wet dream, probably the result of too much touching on the long Shabbos afternoon I spent in my own company.

Today I used my creative side to conceive different URL paths that would go undetected by my filter and allow me to view not tznius images. I masturbated without ejaculating (there's got to be a word for that).

I feel like such a loser because I was up at eight ish but I didn't want to get out of bed because I figured that if I showed up to my chavrusa today, he would expect me to be there tomorrow, and the feeling of pressure to go learn is something that I avoid at any cost. (As you might imagine, there's a history behind that.)

So here I am, day 55, with another blemish on my record, more alluring images blazed into my mind's eye. I don't count it as a fall since I didn't ejaculate. I hope that one day this sort of thing would be considered a fall, but right now I have a more limited scope of behavioral modification

There's a thought that has been weighing on me for the past little bit, but I held back from posting about it because I felt it is too deviant, too far off, too much for everyone to handle. But I will go for it, knowing that I will likely get responses from people who cannot relate and who may not have the openness to really hear me.

I come to be seen, to share deeply, and maybe by letting some light into this part I will live with myself more fully. (I discuss a fetish in here, so reader be advised.)

I am by nature a very independent person. Since I was little, I did tasks and expressed myself like someone years older than me. I never understood my teenage friends who needed a friend to go with them to do everything: I've always gone to the pizza shop by myself, selcted and applied for camp and high school by myself, gone camping by myself, toured foreign countries by myself, and gone to new yeshivos by myself without knowing anybody. I am essentially an only child, so even when I'm home I have the sense of being by myself. I never really let anybody help me with big decisions, least of all my parents.

I also always knew I had a fascination with corporal punishment. I received almost none of it as a kid, but I would look through all the chinuch books to find where it was discussed. I would go through dictionaries and thesauruses as well to try to find mentions of it. I remember envying friends whose fathers would hit them. I had a childish theory about how to determine the likelihood that a given friend was receiving corporal punishment based on the bone structure of his father's hand and the shape of his face or buttocks.

I also had an enthusiasm for the human buttocks. I remember going through my Curious George books, studying the butts of all the characters. When I went with mom to go buy a suit, I would surreptitiously look to see if the fit flattered my backside. (I think that when I was in high school, I could identify practically anyone in the school just from his bottom.)

Naturally, on the occasions that I accessed pornography, there was a bit of a focus on spanking and BDSM. The "touches and pats" that I've engaged in and that I mentioned in my first post involved the tush mainly.

(If you don't know what BDSM means, don't Google it cv"s - PM me and I can tell you what it stands for).

I never really fully leaned into my punishment fetish until eleven days ago when I was sexting with a GYE friend. I gained a clarity then of how powerful an emotion it is, and that I see my role as the one receiving the punishment.

In the past year or so I started to look at my fierce independence as more of a mixed blessing. Perhaps it is not merely a strong sense of self, but also an hesitation to connect with people that was driving it? I have lots of friends, but is there a deep part that won't let itself be known in a relationship, and that in the deepest sense, I don't let anyone in?

The association with my punishment fetish went off like a lightbulb. To me, being punished is a symbol for having someone who is bigger and stronger than me take responsibility for me, maybe even take pride in me. To draw clear boundaries for me so I don't have to carry the great load of life's consequences on my own, as I've been doing for so long. To have someone who can handle me in my entirety, and to whom I am willing to submit, unlike my feeble, timid father whose very existence gives me the fright that I could turn out like him.

To take the weight off independent little Yitz's shoulders.

(This all worries me. I realize that if I was in a gay relationship right now, I'd be the "bottom." I would have a husband to take care of me emotionally, to be there for me to lean on, to pick me up when I'm down. Am I ready to be that husband for some girl out there? To be her rock, to give to her unconditionally, every day, forever? Where will I get the strength from?)

Thanks for reading. I hope that no one feels sullied from reading this. Please hear it as the אנקת אסיר that it is.

My dear friend, I know that hugs carry a different connotation to you, but after reading that I offer you one. There's so much to talk about, so much to understand, but that all comes after the hug. Keep up the amazing work. my friend. You are growing tremendously!

Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 21 Jun 2023 05:59 #397870

trachtgut365
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Hi Yitz23,

I appreciated you disclosing your fetishes/ fantasies and the accompanied analyses of possible connections. You seem quite gifted in self-analyzing yourself. (A therapist/ trained professional would be honored to share such a vulnerable journey with you.)
You are brave and to be commended for being that vulnerable. I wouldn't share much of my personal fantasies here, but have been exposed to the specific fake, scripted video productions you were mentioning. (Where everyone filmed "enjoys" dishing out or receiving pain/ humiliation... among the universe of porn, gay or straight, the tzad hashave is it's all acting and illusions. Even the "home porn," the self-made "amateur stuff" is, nebach, young folks viewing the scripted productions and attempting to imitate them or outdo them in their uploaded private shmutz. All one totally illusory universe where everyone is imitating some other "ideal" - the tail chasing the head but there is no head. But the knowledge didn't stop me from enjoying those porn films / productions/ or camera home made captures...)

I relate to the timid dad disclosure. (Still get annoyed by it when I spend time with him).

Thank you for posting and sharing your realizations.
It takes courage, and bravery to be that raw and honest -- even while hiding out under pseudonyms/ aliases.
(Just the articulating in writing can be an important step towards acknowledgment and checking oneself. I know I have used journaling for some time now to work out my feelings/ attitudes towards my struggles and unique challenges.)

Sending you virtual hugs and sincere encouragement in your continued battles on the warrior's path.
Chazak v'Ematz. Onwards in the struggle.

Last Edit: 23 Jun 2023 08:08 by trachtgut365. Reason: part of post unrelated to original poster's content

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 23 Jun 2023 01:23 #397962

yitz23
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After 59 days...

I was in bed watching a TV show this afternoon (my second seder chavrusa wasn't coming today) and I was somewhat absently touching myself, and a thought came to mind of a certain friend I used to mess around with, and then without me really wanting to, I had gone past the point of no return...

***

I felt strangely happy after the fall. I think I was dreading it so much, and I knew it would happen sooner or later, that when it finally happened I was happy to see I was still "okay" and also that I didn't go on a motzei zera rampage now that I had no streak to lose.

I see how strongly my body uses sex to alleviate its emotional pain. Although I have not masturbated for the past two months, I have on a few occasions looked at inappropriate images online, I have many times touched myself (sometimes getting close to the edge, usually staying safely distant), as well as the falls I have had in regard to sexual conversations that I've documented in this thread. Just last night I got a text from that friend I used to mess with, asking if I was around, and the remote possibility that he was asking to solicit a sexual rendezvous got my mind racing. And today I masturbated to his image.

I want to have a clear head. I want to live without the constant struggle to masturbate or not, I want to not masturbate and still not have my senses heightened to the point of obsession. I want my relationship with sex and sexuality not to be reliant, to be balanced and natural and laid-back.

In the clarity of mind that I had in the aftermath of my fall, I made a decision to deposit my laptop at a neighbors house and only check on it once or twice a week. I have been spending way, way too much time on it, besides for the occasional sexual-visual downfall. I will miss chatting with the oilam on Live Chat as well as reading the beautiful posts every day, but I hope this will allow me to deepen the connection to the GYE friends that I am in telephone contact with.

It won't give me suitable chavrusos and it won't give me a less lonely situation, but it might help me get off my butt and make the best out of what I have.

This is not a goodbye because I will still be here every few days, but it is a goodbye to watching my days go by with barely an effort to draw from the wellspring of opportunity each day offers me, even if the opportunity is to make just an inch of progress.

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
-Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Last Edit: 23 Jun 2023 01:25 by yitz23.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 23 Jun 2023 02:45 #397973

eerie Current streak: 846 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1589	My friend, I love the maskonois you reached. Taking your life, your opportunity, and making the most of it, is the greatest kindness you can do to yourself and for all those whom you will effect in many ways. Keep in touch and keep trucking!
	Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 23 Jun 2023 19:53 #398009

crabapple18
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So much vulnerability. Wow. It’s what I was told would work. Be well.

Here to see what works for others and a good shmooze.
Always here to share my journey N' what works for me.
Feel free to reach out 24/6 charlesbosgod@gmail.com
One day at a time! Today is what counts. RULE 62. It’s the first drink that gets me drunk.
“Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and [a] mystery.Today matters most”
One lust drink is too many and a thousand isn't enough.
**Its a part of me, not who I am**

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 16:49 #398159

yitz23
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Hi everyone.

Long time no see. (It's been like 5 days.)

After I fell this past Thursday after 59 clean days, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to continue conquering my masturbation dependency despite the small setback.

Unfortunately, Sunday brought another story since I was laying in bed sometime about 11 AM, having nothing to do that seemed worth the effort of getting out of bed, and I was "edging" to try and take of the edge off the intense pain I was feeling about my dim situation and my loneliness, as well as the deep pain that comes from severing 95% of contact with my parents. At some point I told myself to let go and just go for the plunge, which I did, and then again, and once again, and again.

Monday morning was similar, though I did catch myself after masturbating just twice.

I spoke to my unbelievable mentor Eish Emes and he told me what they say, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

I want that to be my motto. With everything falling apart for me these days, there is no way I will get back into my journey away from dependency without implementing changes in my life.

Right now I am doing the following:

- I deposited my computer at a friend's house to be accessed on an as-needed basis. This has the disadvatage of losing my daily contact with the GYE community, but it frees my time for other important changes. It is hard to keep in touch if it's not daily, so I'll have to put in more effort to stay a part of the chabura.

- I started attending night seder, and I got a chavrusa who is somewhat compatible and its going okay. We are learning a mesechta that I like and I keep trying to finish, so this gets me on my way.

- I am getting a new first seder chavrusa tomorrow b'ezras Hashem, and he is reportedly more compatible than my previous one, who couldn't keep up with me.

- I am working on getting an early-morning job, which has four benefits: 1) It will get me up in time for my first seder chavrusa so it can last; 2) It eliminates the lying-in-bed-without-getting-up period of the day, which is my main fault time masturbating-wise; 3) It gives me some money in the pocket, and I'd like to save a bit for married life, may that come soon; and 4) It will give the sense of being accomplished, which is necessary for me given my challenging relationship with learning Torah.

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
-Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 18:01 #398161

yitz23
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Naftali Horowitz writes that in order to change a behavior, you need to have clear the What, Why, and How.

The last post spoke about How, I want to focus on the What and Why now. It's not as easy as I expected.

What:

I want to stop doing sex-related behaviors without deciding to do so from a healthy, objective place (like when I am married, or maybe if it is an occasional treat, possibly). These behaviors include masturbating, touching myself without ejaculating, explicit acts with others, and heavily lustful thoughts.

I intentionally am leaving out "touches and pats" with my friends, things that are very low-level so as to be not too far over the border of social acceptability. In my current situation it isn't really a possibility, but I don't know that I am ready to give that up when it becomes an option again.

Why:

I want to be free. I want to feel that I'm the one in the driver's seat.

I want my mind clear and calm, without sex invading my headspace and clouding my interactions.

I want to feel my emotions in their full intensity. When not masturbating, my sadness and loneliness swelled to the point of being unbearable. I want to deal with my pain undiluted and get to the bottom of it that way. And of course I want to feel the positive emotions, although I didn't observe a change in those during my time of not masturbating.

I want to enjoy the connection that sex will offer with my wife. If I have a neediness to sex, I will not have space to really connect with my wife that way. And a close relationship with my wife and children is the greatest goal in my life.

I would like to condense this all into a sentence or two so I can keep it in my figurative pocket, but until then it is good to have this to go back to.

Thank you all again for being with me.

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
-Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 18:51 #398162

redfaced
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yitz23 wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:01:

I want to enjoy the connection that sex will offer with my wife. If I have a neediness to sex, I will not have space to really connect with my wife that way. And a close relationship with my wife and children is the greatest goal in my life.

Im Sure you meant to write

I want to enjoy a close connection with my wife. If I have a neediness to sex, I will not have space to really connect with my wife that way. And a close relationship with my wife and children is the greatest goal in my life.

May you slide down the banister of happiness and get many splinters of success up your career

Feel free to send me an owl, a howler, or even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to Iamredfaced@gmail.com

The Red Face

Last Edit: 28 Jun 2023 19:08 by redfaced.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 19:48 #398167

yitz23
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redfaced wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:51:

yitz23 wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:01:

Thank you for reading through my posts! It really means a lot to me when I see that people are reading what I put my heart into writing.

I just wish that instead of commenting on the 4 words in which you are sure I misspoke, you would have focused on the 762 other vulnerable words that I wrote correctly today...

Every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
-Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Last Edit: 28 Jun 2023 19:52 by yitz23.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 20:15 #398169

crabapple18
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redfaced wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:51:

yitz23 wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:01:

Seriously – Sounds like you’re going a little “over-healthy” here.

The other parts of the post are humble and vulnerable. Focus on that.

Whatever you are trying to tell him is learned during marriage. As much preparation that goes in, it is different being in the situation.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 23:04 #398179

redfaced Current streak: 581 days NOW ONLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1128 Karma: 55	<
	May you slide down the banister of happiness and get many splinters of success up your career Feel free to send me an owl, a howler, or even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to Iamredfaced@gmail.com The Red Face Last Edit: 28 Jun 2023 23:17 by redfaced.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 28 Jun 2023 23:05 #398180

redfaced
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yitz23 wrote on 28 Jun 2023 19:48:

redfaced wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:51:

yitz23 wrote on 28 Jun 2023 18:01:

Youre right & I apologize whole heartedly
I should have stuck to the fact how every day I open the forum and see so many people who had the courage to open up & share their story.
No matter how painful or difficult it was .

Hopefully one day I will have that courage too , but I just graduated from lurking for 3 years with nary a post so that may take some time .

Last Edit: 28 Jun 2023 23:20 by redfaced.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 29 Jun 2023 15:55 #398205

true_self
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Yesterday I was about to comment on redfaced's misplaces comment, but didnt end up having time to post, now I'm glad to see that redfaced acknowledge his mistake and apologized, Thanks redfaced (we are human and all make mistakes).
___________________________________________

Our Dear Yitz, I'm so sorry to hear that everything is falling apart for you these days, but simultaneously glad to see that you are starting to implement real changes is your schedule, which is the most important part of the battle, It will help you decrease your urges to masturbate in the mornings (I can very much relate to that, as by me it's usually when I masturbate just out of habit), I went through a similar situations just over a year ago, back in yeshivah, I felt very lonely, did not enjoy learning, used to get out of bed very late, did not attend night seder, plus, I used to watch porn till 3-4am sometimes, I had literally no one to talk to (not even GYE), anyway Hashem had mercy on me and I got engaged (although I felt that I wasn't ready, I had no reason to say no (besides this struggle, which I would not dare to share with anybody), and after meeting up with my wife-to-be, I kind of fell in love.... anyway... this was the way Hashem got me out of that situation, but I wish if I would have the help that you are currently getting, If only I could get a morning job back then.... so basically, You are doing everything right, Improving slowly but surely.
Becoming independent from masturbation after many years dependency, is very hard work, as it's not only the pleasure, but the emotional comfort it used to provide you, and when stopping all the emotional distress starts accumulating and causes immense pain, Whats needs to be done, is, finding healthy ways to ease it all out, going to the gym is one of the best ways.
BH You are looking to increase meaning and satisfaction in your daily life, which I found very helpful.
Learning does not need to be a pressure, it can be made enjoyable (and should be), by learning what You enjoy and completing mesechtas.
Dear Yitz You are inspiration of growth through tremendous hard work, Keep it up! With every day that You continue with creating inner change, You become more & more ready to become that wonderful, loving, warm & caring husband/father You wish to be one day, and that day is coming closer & closer, never give up on Your dreams!
Please keep us posted with your journey.

Warning: Spoiler!

Wishing You much success in breaking free and changing for the better.
Your friend
True self.

My thread: From two identities to True self

If you want to reachout to me to talk please email: wish2banonym@gmail.com

Last Edit: 29 Jun 2023 17:57 by true_self.

Re: Gay bochur, trouble with Mom, masturbating 29 Jun 2023 16:46 #398211

chaimoigen Current streak: 577 days NOW ONLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1388 Karma: 137	Yitz, You are a terrific guy. These are tremendous moves, really couragous stuff. When a guy doesnt even feel he can get out of bed with all the emotional struggles you are dealing with, to put this out there and make these commitments - Kol Hakavod! Actions have a way of making things look different after.... Keep in touch, let us know how it's going. We are rooting for you!!
	Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com