So far the problems haven't been on my end, going out with the next one soon, be"h everything goes well, and yes, I know her name. 

Hatzlacha Rabba Horizon, I know you have this!

EccentricComposer wrote on 15 Jun 2023 13:34:

That’s good, because until I met my wife I had no clue who I was dating 

EccentricComposer wrote on 15 Jun 2023 13:34:

thanks!
hope all goes well, and you have clarity to make the right decisions.
from the posts of yours that i've read and from the way you keep up the fight it seems you're a good guy, and whoever the right one is will be very lucky.
hatzlacha

Foolie wrote on 15 Jun 2023 13:46:

are you chassidish?

Horizon wrote on 15 Jun 2023 18:31:

No, between the time I saw a girl’s resume and the time I went out with her I had no idea who she was 

Foolie wrote on 15 Jun 2023 18:46:

i chap. just imagining all those awkward moments (didnt know you were the youngest of 14...)

Horizon wrote on 15 Jun 2023 18:51:

I’m the oldest of 4 

Foolie wrote on 15 Jun 2023 19:22:

But when we’re stuck in our bubble nobody else even exists

hey guys
today was day 3 bh

last week was rough. i fell after a good two weeks and then couldnt get up. i just stayed down there straight. it was a prolonged day 1. also i fell harder then i have in the recent past, the last couple times i 'relapsed' it was quickly, with kinda borderline stuff, and then i put away the device. this time however i was online for like 3 days straight, and got into the youtube rabbit hole again. in a way i find it harder to let go of youtube then to let go of porn. (only in a way lol).

here's the good news: i fell using a device that belongs to a sibling of mine but they dont use it, so it just sits around the house collecting dust. when i gave up my smartphone i made it my business to get the passcode to that device, and since then i porned w it a couple times. now with some gentle pushing of a couple wonderful guys over here, i knew what i have to do. this sibling was here today, and i used the opportunity to tell them that i've been using their device, and i dont want to. i asked them to please change the password to something i wont guess. i was scared to do that, but it went along surprisingly easy. im glad i did it. its gonna be so much easier for me now. we daven every day אל תביאני לידי ניסיון. im glad i got potur of such a big part of the nisayon.

(on that last point, i was recently thinking in such terms: there's a wad of cash on the shelf in my room. is the cleaning lady gonna take? nah. she's religious, has morals and besides, she wouldnt risk loosing her job. but i shouldnt make her go through that thought process every time she enters my room.)

thanks a whole bunch to the choshuve chevra that reached out to me, some that i've shmoozed w in the past and some that heard a yid calling for help and answered the call. i cant say if i would have the courage to do this without you.

wow wow wow!!
no words!!! May hashem see that you really wanna get closer to him & may u finally break free of internet so you won’t need the “tube” to keep u afloat

Horizon wrote on 19 Jun 2023 04:59:

Good move - that takes courage!

why not get rid of the device completely? Just say you don’t want to have it around and under your responsibility. 

also not sure if you’re serious about cleaning lady or it’s a parable but I’d hide that cash better if I were you. The crusaders were also extremely religious and look where that got us….

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 20 Jun 2023 12:50:

thanks!

not having the code is practically like getting rid of it. im not tech savvy (bh?), and the only way i can get the code is by asking for it. which would be kinda awkward at this point.

point noted. i'll put away the money:)

Horizon wrote on 19 Jun 2023 04:59:

Hello, That's Huge!! 

hi everyone

today is day 6 bh.

i randomly felt a need to look up some things i shouldn't be looking up, obviously not xxx - it wasn't so bad that i was ready to jump right off, plus i currently only have a very filtered pc, so my only access is to borderline stuff so i'll be safe. 

in the past, the battle in my mind would be (the all too familiar):
- im not actually falling
- technically its still a win
- i deserve to cut myself some slack
vs:
- you know a slip always becomes a fall
- you dont need this
- you'll be happier if you stay away.
today however i had a different thought process (as i was trying the second search): it'll be so much easier to control myself now, then in 10 minutes. and if i beat this, im strengthening myself for the future. im learning how to say no, and not give in on demand. so at that first point in the struggle, where its easiest to win, i can build myself for the future. its not just about how i'll feel right after, or about 'losing' my precious clean days. its the choice to utilize this opportunity to grow, or let it go wasted and worse.
forgive me if im writing dvarim pshutim:)

shout out to the friend who gave me some words of advice over chatt

p.s. i usually dont post during/right after a tough moment. i wonder what changed

Horizon wrote on 21 Jun 2023 19:15:

Maybe you are finding solace in camaraderie instead of in porn