eerie wrote on 19 Dec 2024 19:16:

So true and on the button!


Thanks for the shoutout!

Dearest brothers and friends, who have been here for me in amazing ways,
After talking to so many people here, and in my professional life (yes, Red, I have one, as hard as it is for you to believe that, though I won't say how professional), I feel like shouting out one piece of advice for every human being to hear

LOVE YOUR KIDS!!!!! ACCEPT YOUR KIDS!!!! CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS!!!!

I'm not blaming parents, they have their own story. Just for us, as parents, or as beH will-be parents in the future, realize that so much of your children's emotional stability comes from you and the way you accept them. Of course we all love our kids. But accept them! For real! Connect with them! I'm not only talking about the troubled kid. Aderaba, I'm talking about prevention here, from the baby to the teenager, every single time you see them, show them you love them, that they are the most precious thing in your life. That you truly accept them for who they are, not for the nachas, prestige or image they portray upon you. There are so many people walking around with a hole inside, with a void, and so much of that can be traced back to their upbringing.
Just to be clear, I don't mean a world where a child doesn't hear no, or where a child is not disciplined. Not at all. I'm a disciplinarian. But after all is said and done, my own parenting has really been affected from being here and realizing the impact I have on my children. I think I always gave them tons of love, but to realize that maybe that child needs it expressed a little differently, perhaps that child needs more than what I give regularly, that's changing. We cannot say "I do connect", because each nefesh is different, and it's our duty to provide them with what they need
Friends, connect with your kids. It will not stop them from having challenges. But it may give them the strength to deal with them.

ty rebbi eerie we love you!
cande'

cande wrote on 22 Dec 2024 18:43:

Excuse my hagaha. 'JUST' implies that there is nothing else. Which I don't think is correct. Feel free to disagree, as wise man once said

eerie wrote on 22 Dec 2024 18:47:

Wrong again

I just saw a piece in  Michtav M'Eliyahu, chelek 4, page 228, and want to share
He writes in the name of the alter fun Kelm, that when a person is in pain, pain which Hashem has sent them for a purpose, while they are in pain they can't really focus on that purpose, because they pain doesn't allow them to think properly and work properly. And after the pain has left, the person no longer has the impetus to work on themselves. So, what's the mehalach of Avoida that is expected? Says the Alter, a person is supposed to work on remembering, while he's happy, pain free, remember what the pain was like.
My takeaway:
The huge baal mussar, the Alter fun Kelm, understood that when a person is in pain, it's not the time for them to give themselves a mussar shmooze. Definitely not a time for others to give mussar shmoozen. It's not a shvachkeit that a real honest person wouldn't have. It's a metzi'os, and the Alter didn't say that Hashem wants us to work on being able to think mussar thoughts while in pain.
Food for thought

Intriguing thought. According to your takeaway, what a person supposed to do, if he's dealing with chronic pain? When should he give himself Mussar? 

amevakesh wrote on 01 Jan 2025 15:06:

I'm not the original poster, Rav Dessler, and probably not the Alter from Kelm either but I'll take a shot at the question.

Talmud says (Ethics o' the Fathers 4:23) "Do not appease someone at the time of his anger and do not comfort him when his dead is before him."

Does that mean never comfort someone? No. It means during the time of acute pain don't try to interfere with that pain.

I b"h have never suffered chronic pain in any form. So if your lived experience differs please feel free to speak up. But even chronic pain sufferers adjust to having chronic pain. Of course it still hurts. But the time of acute, fresh pain passes. And then they can work on whatever they need to work on.

Someone who loses a limb needs to work on living life with a handicap. But if you go over to him three seconds after the amputation and start giving him chizzuk about how he can still be productive you're obviously being insensitive and unhelpful. Three months after the amputation is a different story.

Eerie's chiddush is that this mishna applies bein adam l'atzmo.

     When I get an urge one of the main reasons why I don't fall is because I remind myself how it feels afterwards. How one moment of lust doesn't solve any problems and then after the lust you feel gross, disappointed in yourself, and in a kind of pain. Then you have to deal with these feelings and the feelings the other emotions you were trying to suppress with lust, because lust doesn't solve anything, it just makes things worse.
    Your brain tries to say that this lust is comforting, but actually its just numbing your emotions temporarily amd eventually they resurface even stronger because they haven't been dealt with,  then you try to numb yourself and then you need even more lust which builds up more emotions which creates a false need for more lust.... this is the cycle that eventually leads to a breakdown because psychologically it is extremely unhealthy to suppress your emotions.

    We feel pain after we fall and one of the hardest parts after a fall is to not try to numb that pain with more lust. If we can remind ourselves that it's not worth succumbing to the lust then we can fight stronger.
(I used "lust" in place of masturbation bc I believe this is how it works for all forms of lust)

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

chosemyshem wrote on 01 Jan 2025 15:25:

Nailed it!

jewizard21 wrote on 01 Jan 2025 16:20:

Stated very well. I found It works for me sometimes but not always. 

I know I usually post positive, encouraging posts. Today I don't

There's a huge pit in my stomach. 

(The story that was here is 100% true. But needed to be removed. Sorry for the confusion)

Ouch!

!השם ירחם

All I could do is cry, cry for consequences for actions taken, crying for his נשמה crying out to return to Hashem, and crying tears mixed with relief too that כל זמן שהנר דולק, אפשר לתקן... But that relief - in a place where there have been such extensive consequences, is hard to see........

With a heart filled with רחמנות and pain,
Muttel