Hi there all my anonymous friends!
I am on here for a while, most of the time just to sign in and update where I'm holding, but from time to time I do read around some posts on the forums, and I am really at a loss of words when I try to describe what I think about all of you. I'm simply awed into silence. You guys are all amazing, fighting the terrible urges, sometimes in such difficult circumstances, from complicated pasts, I stand humbled. I am so proud to at least be part of the same nation, even if I don't come close. Keep up the fight and may Hashem be with all  of you and may you feel his closeness.
And now, Hi! I gave myself the name eerie because that's what I think about my situation. I am blissfully married to a really special person,(which, I learned from the posts on this site, is not to be taken for granted. It's something that so many of my dear friends here struggle with, their addictions creating issues in their marriage and the problems in their marriage further exacerbating their addictions) and we have a few wonderful kids. I really cannot imagine a better marriage, we respect each other, love each other, communicate beautifully, and my intimate life is wonderful. I believe my wife would say the same.  I am a seriously respected member of my community, I am in a position of chinuch (and I think I do a pretty good job:)), so why oh why on earth am I here? What would the people think if they knew? Would I still have a wife? Would they let me talk to my kids? At that point would I even care about my job or my life's mission? I BH had a wonderful upbringing, loving and caring parents who are very proud of their "successful kli kodesh" son. What would they think if they knew? These thoughts were on my mind as I created my account and the feeling I had was "This is eerie. A mechanech. A talmid chacham. Sought after maggid shiur. This is totally eerie." So there you have it. It's all in the name.
A little about me. I think many of you would disagree but I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. I have no smartphone (if you would only hear me speak about the downfalls), no computer at home. So where and when do/did I fall? I called a talk line by mistake, I was trying to reach a company. I was horrified. I hung up and told my wife about it. But, of course, my curiosity  plus urge  got me to call. This was probably 10+ years ago, called maybe 10 times total. Can't remember the last time I did that. Then my wife got a smartphone, and we blocked the browser entirely through parental controls, with each of us having half the code. Of course, when I was down I tried a few times and of course I figured out her half. Here and there I would go on really bad sites. Not long thereafter we got rid of that phone. That was also 10+ years ago/ But every once in a while I fall. I once found that one computer in the Yeshiva (!!!!) where I work had no filter. You read that right.. No filter, in the yeshiva computer! I would estimate that once in 2-3 months I went on really bad stuff there. One day I just realized that I need accountability, so I came to GYE. I know I have to answer to someone, I'm going to write it if I fall, and that helps me.
Now you might wonder, what am I writing this for? I am writing it first of all because I feel a kinship and I feel likes it's "therapeutic" to tell my story someplace. Because even the people that I really trust, I can't tell them any of this. I sometimes wish there was an anonymous phone line where I could call and tell a Rav what I struggle with, to get it out of my system. When I was bachur I was really close to my rebbeim, and I shared with them even my deepest secrets and struggles, I would tell my Rebbe if I M'd. BH I didn't stuggle with that much, but I did do it a few times in my bachurishe years, and my rebbe knew/knows about it. Maybe I'm weird that I shared that with my rebbe, but that's me. If I felt an attraction to a bachur I told him, and he understood me, always helped me, never judged me. There's no question that having such a person in my life changed me in unimaginable ways.  Alas, I don't think I'll ever have the nerve to go to anyone and discuss my normal struggles and mistakes at this point. What would a rav or even my rebbe, whom I am still very close to 20+ years later, think if a person in my position came and said "I struggle with this. Once in a while I can fall into watching P." I can't do that, so I'm saying it here. I'm a healthy person with normal urges and desires and it can happen that I fall sometimes. I try to avoid unfiltered machines, when I'm at my parents' house I don't touch their devices,  I told them to never let my kids touch their things and I warn my children to stay away, not even to look at Grandma's phone. But I know that every once in a while I'll find a device, and my urges, desires and curiosity (yes, I am still curious as to what some tags on some sites are supposed to mean. Curiosity is powerful.) can get the better of me. I joined GYE so I have to give an accounting, and I even had a fall since I joined, which I reported. I have a life's story, like everyone else, and here I shared some. Maybe some more another time.
But another reason I write this is because I look at what other people have written here, and I realize how small I am. I, the guy who sits up front at dinners, the guy whom you may have even heard at a dinner or some other place, I look at you in awe. Because I am not torn to shreds like some of you are, I have a happy marriage, and so many of you are working so hard to just keep the pieces in place. You are brutally honest with yourselves, and in spite of being in places I have only read about, doing things out there....in spite of that you are here, trying mightily to get only closer to Hashem, to be good, to be clean. I also struggle, but nowhere nearly as much as most of the people here. And I wish I could shake your hand and tell you how proud I am of you. I am so proud, and I know that I can't imagine how proud Hashem is. Keep it up!!! In this world I'm at the head table at the dinner, but believe me, at the se'udas livyason you guys will be up there, I hope I'll at least be in the crowd!

First of all Your normal! Good for you that you found the courage to post. Its nice to hear you have a happy marriage and a great family.
I noticed in your post, you wrote a bunch of times about how "less then" and "maybe you'd think I'm weird" and "The reason I'm writing this" Etc etc etc, I feel like -you feel like- you need 'big huge reasons to post' and somehow you think that your in the backseat of the gye bus. Your not. Your just like the rest of us. Your normal. Your a human being. and your a good person. And your courageous for reaching out.

I really appreciate your kind words! I am the type of guy that needs to share the things going on in my life, I guess what they call expressive, extroverted. And here I have a struggle, and falls, that I cannot share. With anyone. And the feeling of being so two-faced, I'm telling you the people who know me, my students....if they would only know! But here I can share, and it means so much to me to hear somebody read my words and comment. I would love to hear if it surprises you or anybody reading this that here I am, and I am not kidding you that I sit up front at dinners, speak at them, speak in local shuls, have been fought over to come teach in different yeshivas, and here I am, I know who I am. I know it's a normal struggle, but I also know what I've done and what I've seen. It's sometimes hard to live with the contradiction. But is anyone out there surprised to hear my story? I mean, I know that all over it's written that these things happen, but this is real, and it's ME. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it and I really want to know what people think 

Not only am i not surprised at all, Im surprised you would think wed be surprised. Over here on Gye we live in the real world. Your not 2 faced. You are a person that is obviously looked up to and respected and you also have struggles in the area of kedusha like many other wonderful people. Let me ask you the question back- Why do you think wed be surprised? Why would being a rebbe/maggid shiur make you have any less of a pull to call sex lines or watch porn?

I like the way you say it, "the real world". I guess the reason why I would think that way is because I don't KNOW anybody that way, and although it's written about all over we only really process something we've experienced. And here I am the only real live person that I know, not a virtual one, not a statistic on a GYE/TAG ad, and I would venture to ask you, even if you read my words and believe everything I've told you about myself, would you not be somewhat surprised or taken aback if your maggid shiur/rebbe/rav would tell you something like this? I might be terribly naïve, but I would be taken aback if my sons rebbe has his days, let's say 3-4 days every 3 months or so that he spends a few hours watching P. and I would very disappointed in him. Not because he has urges. You ask me why would a rebbe  have less of a pull, I say he shouldn't. But he gives shmuessen, he teaches yiras shomayim, he even sometimes talks to boys about kedusha, shouldn't he be a stellar example? Shouldn't he have the yiras shomayim to pull through with out falling? I mean maybe 5 minutes in a year, nu. But here he falls every few months, usually when things are tough, and the yetzer hara gtes him worked up, and then he gets access, and boom. He's in.  A maggid shiur is not above desires, he's human and humans desire sex and all, and watching P is a real taavah, but Shouldn't a maggid shiur be above falling so low?

Another question.
Are you saying that your respect for me would not diminish an iota? In my first post I expressed my respect clearly for all the GYE heroes, but in my mind I can tell myself that these are the people in the crowd at the dinner, and I understand that they struggle, and I understand they fall, and I have only the greatest respect for them for fighting to pick it all up. But from the people on the dais, shouldn't I expect them, the representatives of Torah, to be better than what I am? I have a hard time respecting myself so I cannot imagine that you, or anyone who knows this, could respect me. If I would tell the administration, or if they would even suspect anything, I'd be on welfare tomorrow. Ain't no respect

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for posting. 
No, I am not surprised that someone in your position stumbles, unfortunately this yetzer hara is out there for everyone, balla battim and klei kodesh included. Unless you live in an extreme sheltered life with zero access to any technology the stumbling blocks are available all too easily. Truthfully even if you have no access to any tech there are so many ways one can stumble and fall to the greatest depths.

ok, surprised you're not. But do I still have your respect? I don't have mine! I mean, if I would be really honest, wouldn't I have to quit? How can I be a teacher of Hashem's Torah if I (often enough) fall so low? I would appreciate if someone could help me respect myself

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 21:44:

There is only one perfect being in the world. That is hashem.  Everyone on the dais has challenges.  Usually we don’t know what those challenges are.  That is for good reason.  The person that needs to work on accepting your failures is you. Don’t worry about what anyone else would think.  They never had your challenges and if they were in your shoes perhaps they would have fared far worse.   The more you can accept the fact that you are not as perfect as the image that you want to portray, the more humble you will be and the more you will daven for siyaata dshmaya.   שבע יפול צדיק וקם is not just a nice expression- it is the story of life.  

when a rebbi gives a mussar shmooze and he has no intention of sinning, he is considered a tzadik gamur at that point.  Regardless of whether he falls later on at a weak moment.  

I am in my phone and have to reread your posts later.  I used to think like you….

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 22:22:

I happen to have gone out to work after kollel and not into klei kodesh but I easily could've. The lack of respect you have for yourself is not particular to being a mechanech. I'm considered (at least I think I am lol) one of the "chashuve" members of my Shul. I take my avodas Hashem very seriously and impart that to my wife and children. I also have serious issues that crop up from time to time (unlike you, I believe I am most definitely addicted) that I am working very hard to overcome. I believe those issues don't define me. Even though this past year was probably my worst year in a long time, I don't have a accurate cheshbon but I probably fell over 50 times. So I had over 300 days that I wasn't doing those things. That's who I am. I am an eved Hashem. I am a good father. I am a good husband. I am koveia ittim to Torah. I come to davening on time and daven from beginning to end without talking and looking at my phone. The list goes on and on. I refuse to not respect myself and define my self based on the minority of my time spent doing deplorable actions.

This is not to say you should grow comfortable with your actions, I'm not comfortable with mine, that's exactly why I'm here. If you were not trying to work on them and stop for good, then I would not respect you. Anyways I'm rambling and not sure if I'm properly conveying my thoughts, would love to shmooze in person if your interested. 

I cannot tell you guys how touched I am. I don't think you're rambling, I drank every word thirstily! I don't know why I didn't reach out a long time ago to talk, it is so gratifying to hear that people get me, that people care for me with my struggles and falls. Thank you Vehkam for helping me understand that alot that bothers me is about silly kavod, and I should stop thinking about what other people think. But I'm still left with the gnawing feeling that I really should be in different field, not educating or getting up there saying drashos. When a boy comes to me I can tell him all the right things about how to be a kadosh....and me?! Any thoughts?

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 19:25:

Hey there! Great post, welcome. 

I just want to point out my experience with "curiosity". Many times I blamed/blame my actions on "intense curiosity " etc. I wonder what this looks like and what this will be like, and that's truly how I feel. But after some real honesty I've found that after a release or a fall, my intense "curiosity" mysteriously fades. It seems to be to be a sexually stimulated curiosity.

I found this helps prevent exploration under the guise of "I wonder what..." and "I'm not really looking for the purpose of...".

Hatzlacha! 

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 23:41:

Working on this Will make you the best and most well equipped person to deal with bochurim who are struggling.  As long as you are pushing forward (which you are doing now in a big way) you should not even think about making any changes to your profession.  

Thank you for sharing! And thank you for just writing something, I feel like I really have friends here! It mamash warmed my heart to see that people are interested in each my success. Hashem should bentch every single one of you!

Welcome on board,

כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול ממנו

Just have in mind that I know many רבנים, משגיחים, and more who struggle terribly.

Its not that they are bad people, they just cant, or didn't yet learn to control there desires.



We are all human and we all struggle, but we are here to work.