Uh! Gut Gezugt!

I can very much associate with the last few posts of recognizing ones wins at least as much as the falls. 

Most of us have many more wins than falls, but we never count them. 

The last few days im realizing just how much me not treating my ADHD has hurt me. I have realized that Part of me just enjoys looking at pretty things, it has nothing to do with sexuality! 
For example, I turn around for beautiful car just as much as for beautiful people. I can stare at a stunning landscape just as much as i can at humans. 
So that created a whole new avenue of "hey, i cant change this, and its not really wrong since im not looking for sexual reason" 
But I was determined to fight it anyhow. I drove now thru Brooklyn and it was very painful not to look, but i turned away a few times even though i was driving...... I wasn't happy in the least that i did that, I was pissed why its so hard for me!
Then as i was walking down my little street, i found a few dirty pages of a magazine and that allure was too much already so i looked longer than i should've. 
And now I am just mad at myself " why I am still here? I thought after all this time I would be better" 

So I see how important it is to celebrate the wins because they build the capacity to withstand the trials. 

א הארץ פייל׳ט א הארץ, ברודער

So, how is it that I signed in, and every thread and topic has new posts, except the most important one? Which is the most important one, you ask? Why, that's simple. The 'Just having fun' threads!!!

Eerie, I think it’s a Siman that you’re not on the site enough!

Youre from the greats that should be weighing in on which threads should have posts, and which topics are worth writing about!

We want to hear more of you!

With deep respect, appreciation, and may I add love?
Muttel

Dearest friends, I know that I can never thank you enough! I have to thank you all for every day that I'm clean!
And then there are the things that really remind me how much I owe you all. Oy, RBSO, thank you so much for bringing me here!

So, I sat down with my not-yet-bar-mitzvah son, and had a little chat with him. Was BH very relaxed, and he heard it all in a calm, clear manner, with zero panic or worry. 
I told him:

• About the changes that will come- Covered ALL of them, using clear descriptions.
• Told him that it can sometimes come out while your sleeping, don't worry about it at all. Just put it in the hamper and move on.
• Also gave him the heads up that as he gets older he will feel more interested in girls. That's Hashem preparing him for marriage. Don't worry about it, it's normal. Just do the right thing
• I used the opportunity to explain terms that he will see in gemara etc.- שתי שערות, שכבת זרע, זרע לבטלה, בעל קרי
• Then we discussed the concept of kedusha (not yet about kedushas habris), which for the sake of this conversation I defined it as using something the way Hashem wants it to be used. We can make our hands heilig by using them the way Hashem wants. When we misuse them we lower their level of kedusha. And so on
• Then we looped back and discussed that the holiest limb we have is the place of the bris milah. We have to use it, as well, only in the way that Hashem intended.
• We discussed that this means adulthood in the Torah, because an adult means somebody responsible that can be trusted. If I see a father giving his child something expensive and fragile, I know the father trusts his child. When Hashem gives it to you it means you are an adult, with דעת, and he trusts you will guard the zera, and not waste it and misuse it
• I said it simply: The zera is for you to use after you're married in order to have children. How it is used, you'll be taught before you get married. Until then, it's not supposed to be used
• Gave him two simple halachos l'maaseh: 1-don't touch there. (even gave him practical tips for using the bathroom), 2- we don't look at thigs that aren't tznius, because that can affect the zera
• Major point- I know you'd never talk to your friends about these things, it's so not your type. You're a smart, mature boy who understands what we keep private. But you might have friends that will talk to you. Never listen to what they say about this, because children have wrong info that will only confuse you.
• If you ever, ever have questions, just come ask. Ill try my best to clarify
• Any questions? (I want to know who's surprised that he didn't have any questions )

BH it went over very well.
Dearest friends, there's no question that I couldn't do this as effectively, not even close, without my own work, and without all the insight that I've gained here. I thank you forever! 

Dearest heroes, keep trucking and keep inspiring!

Thanks for giving me credit for you hard work! Your a gem!

My son is 7 years away from Bar Mitzvah but I'm clipping this post for reference. Really stunning, thanks for sharing.

Incredible! We need more parents like you, taking achrayos for our children's healthy development and not leaving it take its own course (which often means negative exposure from social circles and them misconceptions that they carry into marriage CV.
A massive yasher koach for both doing this and for sharing your experience with us.

I hope I'm not overselling it, but the sefer From Boys to Men is a great resource for anyone who is seeking additional guidance in these matters.

Personally, I love the advice I got from Rabbi Rietti - to use Torah learning to segway into these conversations (I think he even took his child to the Beis Medrash, for extra positive impression). Adam knew Chava and they conceived. The ways of women returned to Sara. There are many posibilities. 

My son is 11 and we've had few layers of these talks this past year. He was a little uncomfortable but grateful. I impressed that it was his maturity that allowed us to discuss these things. He had already heard several things from his classmates, which he told me didn't make sense to him. After our talks he recognized how they are confused and he's glad to be aware of that. He knows it's not proper to talk or teach anyone about what he's learned.
He sometimes prefers to talk to my wife when he has a question. The important thing is him being comfortable to ask the questions he has.

You can casually check in and ask if after having a little time to absorb the new information, if he has any follow-up questions.

Hatzlacha to all

A very all encompassing disscusion . Bezh Will be using this as a guide one day. Just wondering if this is what his pshetel is about?

For those wondering, my son is a heimish/chassidish Cheder. Very sheltered home and school. 

@BenHashem, I don't think it's necessary for my son to know about sex or about menstruation, so I didn't and wouldn't talk about it. Even when learning pesukim etc. If he comes back to me one day, all confused, because he heard this and that and the other, then I'd have to educate him properly. For now, nidda is a type of tumah. Nothing more. Of course, it depends on the environment a boy is in and how exposed he'll be. I think that for now, and hopefully for another few years, he won't need much more than he was told. A child who has had exposure should be given a broader talk.
And, depending on the child, talking about this again and again is not productive. We don't want any alarm or panic. We want it to be as matter-of-fact as possible. In my case, I wouldn't talk much again about it unless I saw the real necessity

I've read the book from boys to men, and found it very informative. Great resource

Reb Eerie that makes complete sense.
Sorry I was not clear when mentioning examples. The pasuk about Sara was what I used for my daughter. As you say, my son does not need to learn about menstruation. 
Thank you for clarifying that the environment and the specific child will alter what you discuss and when.

eerie wrote on 25 Jun 2024 16:00:

short stop! left him hangin' off a cliff,
he may be very curious, and gonna do lots of imagining regarding the part you left out,
which is the most uncomfortable part for parents to address.
like this:
how is it used to have kids? it goes into the lady? how? were? who teaches this stuff? how can i get a hold of the info? doesnt uncle yanky teach it? should i check the locked draw in dads night table??  when do they do this? by the wedding? ill keep in eye next wedding, my dad &mom do this?
stop it! who cares just forget about it!  NO! i wanna know, im aloud to know, dad told me im a mature adult.
i do remember once going with mom to library/barnes noble  to get books, and seeing something.... im sure they have a book a can peak @ for a second... when i have time one day maybe ill go, ok great, im good.

he may probably go research to find out what you didnt disclose one day or another.

p.s. my dad told me those same words, and i ran with it, and researched it for a couple of years,
i actually confronted him after my wedding and asked why he didnt tell me more,
i really suffered from the withheld info,
and he said "why didnt you ask me! for sure i would've told you, i thought you were good.
life wouldve been a lot easier, without hundreds of hours wasted researching, and fantasizing. its all for the good.

excuse me for unloading my trauma here.

anyway ty R' eerie for this gem of a post,
your awsome!

Thanks for the ha'ara Cande
And I'm sorry for the trauma. Here's my hug!
If you'll research the professional advice on how to talk to your kids about this, you'll see it's a machlokes if it's the correct thing to tell kids more than I did. It seems to me that the consensus is that a kid growing up in a sheltered environment, telling them about sex can do more damage then good. It's important to tell them that they'll be taught, and super important to tell them a few times throughout the conversation that if they are ever confused or need help, reach out. Ask.

wow!
Thanks eerie thats a really great post!

Thank you Harav Eerie,
HArav Cande, you bring a very valid point. 
The truth is, it depends on the kid. I was never satisfied with the answers. And i always wanted to know more. My dad told me nothing! 
A healthy kid is not THAT interested in something that he has no reason to be interested. Kids are busy with their little lives they got going on. 
I wasnt emotionally health, so i needed that excitement and thrill of knowing everything i shouldnt. 

A big Rosh Yeshiva told someone that he told his son when he asked "how do you have kids"" 
So he said "you put your holiest Iver into the Rechem of your wife and out comes zera" 
So the son asked "my hand" 
so he answered "no, your bris" 

I wouldnt have the guts to do that. but hes an adam gadol.