Congrats on the 600 milestone!

A thought I had, a theory, want to share with the oilam. Don't know if there's anything practical here

I was wondering about an interesting phenomena. As many who struggle with pornography know, we sometimes go longer periods where we are successful in the battles, and we stay clean, and we feel like we finally have a handle on it. A few months go by. Then comes a fall. So many of us tend to view it like we lost all the progress, like we are back to square one.
So the question I had was why is it that way? Why when we do something wrong do we feel that all the time that was clean, holy and special got lost? Why would we feel like losers just because we lost one battle, when we had won so many before that?

Now, really the questions shouldn't be answered, because the question is correct! Of course that way of thinking is wrong! My question is only why would we even have a hava emina to think differently? 

I think it may be 2 things
1- The perfectionist within
2- I read an article about memory, and this study claimed, (which, judging from myself, I think it's true), that when we remember something we remember it from the first time we experienced it. Of course, emotional experiences create deeper memories. Porn is an emotional experience. So I was thinking that possibly the reason why we feel like we are right back is because in our memories, when we watch porn, for example, we are remembering the last experience. 

Nothing more than Hypothesis

My dear friends, whatever the reason is that we think so, please remember that it's FALSE! When we fall we lose not even one drop of the purity or oilam haba that we gained when we were clean! Keep your chin up and.....

Keep trucking!

The brighter the light is, the darker it seems to be when you turn it off. But as you say, whatever we had doesn't disappear just because things temporarily went black. We must know and appreciate our own worth. Turn the light back on and keep illuminating the world!

Excellent question.

Likely it's just a trick of the yetzer hara to make us feel worthless. But to play devil's advocate. Perhaps there's an element of kedusha that is a yes/no state, and one is either kadosh or not. So before the fall you are kadosh and during/after the fall you lost that. You didn't lose the past six months of being a kadosh, but the status of a kadosh is gone.
The positive version of that is that after deciding to change direction one is kadosh even if yesterday he was falling hard.
No source for this. Just today's enthusiastic opinion.

Regardless.

Keep on Trucking!

eerie wrote on 16 May 2024 17:44:

Great point Uncle! As usual.

I think that part of the work we gotta do is not feeling defined by the number of successes but rather focusing on the effort and determination we've got to win this battle. Yes, we might slip but if yesterday we were a hero because of the number of days we had and today we fell so we failed because now we are at zero.

But if we focus on what we put into winning the battle then today's fall doesn't delete yesterday's effort. Also, today's fall doesn't delete all the hours of wrangling with the YH leading up to the fall.

So my friends, whatever it may be. You can do this! We can do this! We are in it together!

Keep rocking!
Keep Rollin'
Keep plowing!
Keep movin'
Keep Cargo Shipping!
Keep Trucking!!

And remember NEVER look back because you are NOT going that way!

chooseurname wrote on 16 May 2024 19:13:

I'm in the process of writing a longer piece, but here is a sneak preview. Perhaps you and Heeling are mechavein to the Vilna Gaon who writes in his commentary on the Zohar HaKadosh: "For the [higher] neshama is not enclothed in the body at all, but helps him from above". When we strive to improve ourselves, our higher neshama is elevated. It then radiates its new light back down on us to keep helping us on earth (with our guf and lower neshama). Yasher Koach!

I just saw a shtickel מושב זקנים, which is baalei Tosafos, that blew me away!
He says the reason a Kohen Gadol can't marry an almonoh, is because we the Torah is afraid that the Kohen Gadol, when he says the name of Hashem on Yom Kippur, will have in mind to kill someone using Hashem's name, in order to be able to marry that guy's wife. In order to avoid this issue, the Torah forbade the Kohen Gadol from marrying an almono, so now he has no incentive to do that.
What blew me away was that the Torah was afraid that the holiest man in klal Yisroel, on the holiest day, will be thinking about a woman he wants and try to do away with her husband in order to marry her. That speaks volumes about the power of the YH.
So, dear friends, please! Stop beating yourself up! Realize that we're mere mortals, and we were created with a real, powerful YH! Of course, we gotta work on controlling ourselves, but don't eat yourself up for having that desire! Cut yourself some slack!
And then...keep on trucking!

Heeling wrote on 16 May 2024 19:35:

Love this line!

eerie wrote on 16 May 2024 19:51:

Absolutely! I posted this morning on my page that this is a primary mindset behind my success. Very powerful.

eerie wrote on 16 May 2024 17:44:

Eerie thank you for sharing the theory.
You got me thinking.
Perhaps, and I definitely feel this way sometimes, when we don't look there isn't always a feel good sensation - We tend to feel that we are just doing what we are supposed to be doing without a positive action. However when we fall we feel that we DID the wrong thing.
For example: When we have a good davening or shake a lulav etc we feel good because we DID a mitzvah. When we walk by a Mcdonalds and don't buy a cheese burger do we feel good that we didn't?
Same thing here.
If we view the wins of controlling ourselves as a real concrete maseh (because that really is the way it is viewed upstairs) maybe can help with those loserish feelings even if we fall.
Just thinking..

Spot on!
Something I sometimes do is add an action to the lack of negative. As you say, doing a good thing is doing. Not doing a bad thing can feel like nothing. Insert here positive thought accompanied by a smile, squeeze your fist, or do a little dance if that is your thing. Whatever it is, add a physical response to your wins and it will help your brain to register that you done good son.

Lots of good stuff. 

Here’s another thought. When a guy is clean for a while, he is usually exercising the part of himself that wants purity, that wants to surf out the urges, that wants to avoid Nisayon, that feels that porn is ugly

If he falls he falls in such a way that he exercises a desire for it, that he will for example disable the filter, pick up an unfiltered device and “go looking”, he now comes in contact with the part of him that wants the Shmutz. That was the part the he was telling himself isn’t him, isn’t there, and now…. “I’m back!! And look! I am wearing your own face!” 

Self- loathing time. 

But this is a mistake. Because we all have a multiple personality disorder. We all have a Beast that crouches at the door within, who wakes up sometimes…. That’s not me. Even if it feels like it is. 

More to say on this… 

Dovid HaMelech thought he had slaughtered his yetzer hara. Then there was the episode with Bas Sheva and Nosson tells Dovid the parable of the poor man and the sheep. Upon realizing that his yetzer hara was not conquered as he'd previously thought, Dovid was devasted and cried out to Hashem. Dovid asks to be created anew, les the part of him that sinned, so that he could be close to Hashem.

Rabbosei we are in good company. Dovid HaMelech felt this pain - and he davened.

chaimoigen wrote on 17 May 2024 00:22:

Relevant classic Dov post.

kadosh1 wrote on 16 May 2024 20:37:

Just because I like quoting myself...
guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/392446-Exercise-in-Positivity#392513