Geshmak! wrote on 27 Nov 2022 03:21:

dm i sent u 
you are outstanding person! I read some of your posts, keep up the growth, I am just a 23 single guy and got alot of chizuk from you, Keep up you and your aliyah!

Good morning to my dear GYE family! Dearest brothers, the sun shines brightly in the world in the place where there are friends...there's so much I want to tell you, these past few days have been so emotional for me. It was so hard for me to write my first post, but now I wish I had done so years ago. Every one of us has a reputation of some sort, has the way he wants to be viewed, the way he hopes he's looked at by the people around him. And the higher we climb on the social ladder the more that becomes central to us, unless we work hard on ourselves of course. I didn't work so hard. From time to time the Yetzer Hara got me. And he got me good. He got me to read deplorable acts committed by the dredges of society. He got me to see hours upon hours of things that no Jew should ever see. But what he really got me to see was my weakness, he got me to see myself as a two-faced hypocritical ganav. Ganav?! Yes ganav, because how many times did I think that really the Yeshiva shouldn't be paying me being that I'm a ........and if I take the paycheck I'm a ganav. )See above as far as the powerball lottery.) Of course I knew all the vertlech, (I am a maggid shiur after all and I say these things to the boys all the time) I know the famous vort that they say from one of our greats, " עצבות(Sadness) is not an aveirah, but what it can bring a person to is something that the worst aveirah cannot do", and I know the vort about 'Acheir', that his problem was that he looked at himself as an 'acheir', he's somebody else, he's different now that he fell, and that, his negative outlook at himself, was the cause of his downfall. I know that all, but the YH still got me. Because I always thought, "if my parents would know, what would they think about me? If my wife would know, what would she think, Hashem Yiracheim! If the board of the school, if the parents, if my friends would know what I do in my weak moments, what would they think of me?" I thought I knew the answer to the question, I just knew that if anybody ever caught me they would spit in my face, they would never want to talk to me again, they'd have zero respect for me. I don't have to convince you that that's what I thought, just look back at page one of the thread, and you'll see that I couldn't believe the first response from my dear friend 'Human Being', who couldn't see why anyone wouldn't respect me. I could not believe him. And as long as the YH had me believing that I was a ......... he had easy fare, because, as HHM told me, "Shmatas watch porn". And I believed I was a shmata. I conniving, deceiving shmata. But then I met you, my dear friends. I told you my basic story, and I could not believe how one by one all my dearest friends here wrote the same thing, how they respect me with all my struggles, that if I'm here that's the greatest thing to respect, hearing from people in all different stages, in a way especially from the people themselves in chinuch, or jack the jew from the holy land from the student perspective, and how yud909 wrote that we can't let the things we sometimes do define us, and I slowly realized that I had been duped. Big time. You guys opened my eyes, to see the real me, the holy Jew inside averyone who's trying to make Hahsem proud. And I became aware that if I'm trying to make Hashem proud, then I'm making him proud. Before I went to sleep last night I told Hashem, "Hashem, you have so much to be proud of. I struggle. There are so many special people on GYE, they all struggle. But why are they even struggling? Why don't they just do whatever they want? Because they love You, and they want to make You proud. Hashem, I'm lucky enough to struggle and make you proud. I wonder if there was ever a generation that you were prouder of. I doubt it. Good Night, Hashem. I love you."

What a powerful beautiful post!!! 
If I were you I would put a link to it in my signature that any body reading any of your post can see it and shouldn’t miss out on such a beautiful piece .

I'm a shtickel 'am ha'aretz' whaen it comes to tech stuff,(although somehow when the YH wanted me someplace I figured it out...) so I don't know yet how to do that yet, but we'll work on it. Thank you for the warm words. p.s. you didn't respond whether I'll be invited! Just kidding, chill and breath easy! Keep the warm words coming, we could all use them:)

pvibes, I don't know who will be at the se'udas livyoson, but save me a piece of fish, yeah? Thank you so much for your warm words! you, and all the others here, have no idea how meaningful and life-altering they are for me, to give myself a pat on the back instead of a stab in the back. Thank you, brother!

Eerie wrote on 27 Nov 2022 18:28:

If it would be up to me you can come over now to party…  but Hhm told me many times to keep myself from ever meeting anybody or even hinting to my real identity he told many times not write some stuff because people might realize who I am… he’s my rebbe and I listen to my rebbes…
but when moshiach comes sure your invited together with the gantzah chavrah!! My wife gonna be like I never knew you have do many friends… lol
btw I know that expression I was just kidding around…

Eerie wrote on 27 Nov 2022 18:28:

Click on your name you’ll come to your own profile and there you can make settings etc and put a signature… I’m also learning but slowly you’ll learn all the shtick u can also quote which that will bring down what your referring to and you can add your post…

Hi there to all my brothers, dearest friends at GYE! As the days go on I thank Hashem more and more for having opened up to you guys, and for the people that reached out. I must say though, that there's no question in my mind that the greatest game changer is the speaking to a person, a live person, who can hear you out, listen to what you have to say, hear your pain, your struggle, your situation, and be there for you in real time. Of course it goes without saying that we all need to be prudent, only speak to people you think are safe for you in both a physical and spiritual way (you can read up about most people here, just read their posts). And there is the need for anonymity. I'm not proficient in tech stuff at all but in 3 minutes I set up a google voice number, so you can figure things out. And even if some details will come through, well, I still found the dividends to be well worth the investment, many times over! I spoke to HHM a few times already, (shout out to my friend Reb GESHMAK!, I saw your posts on many threads where you encouraged people to speak to him. I'll assume some people followed your advice, and I did too. You have eternal zechuyois! Keep it up) and found the experience amazing. Yes, it was very painful to tell a live person on the phone my experiences, my struggles, my downfalls. I told him everything I could remember, and that was really hard. I like to convey to all the people who know me that I am an ehrliche Yid, a person who is mashpia on others to be ehrliche Yidden, and here I told him of all the things I've done wrong. Of the sites I've seen, of the things I've done to myself. The experience was extremely humbling. I will be totally honest with you, even as I write these words I feel very 'yucky'. The first few days after I started posting I felt so good, but now I'm feeling really yucky. It's very uncomfortable for me to know that a person I spoke to, who has some clues as to my identity, and if he'd so desire could find out who I am in a few minutes, knows so many things that I've done wrong which up until yesterday only Hashem knew. It really feels 'ichy'. I really don't like it. But my friends, if I went to my doctor and told him only half the story because I was embarrassed, or if I hid some humiliating details, how would he ever be able to help me? I'm here to get helped, and if to get help I'll have to be uncomfortable, so be it. Yes, it is very difficult for me, a person in a leadership position, to humble myself to someone else. To bare my heart and soul to someone I've never met. But I would humble myself to a doctor right? If a took a course now on any subject I'd humble myself to the instructor, and this is no different. I need his help. May Hashem help him help me, and even if the going gets tough, I'm here to stay. We should all be davening that HHM and all the people like him have long and healthy lives, because we need them here. Badly.

@eerie, it may feel yucky to have put it out there to someone on the phone…totally understandable. But I wouldn’t worry. No one you are likely to have spoken to on the site is likely to betray your trust. Certainly not HHM. I have seen no evidence that anyone who is on GYE has any malevolent intentions. We are here to help and support each other. 

Eerie wrote on 27 Nov 2022 18:00:

Chazak, stay shtark bud, I am impressed, you keep me proud doing this task just by hearing what you got to say B"H, you are doing unbelievable also because you are helping me in such a real way through your writings, I haven't seen someone like yours type out a whole piece like literally as if you are standing right infront of me, I am down right speechless, alot of chizuk you give and proud to hear your comments! Hatzlacha

Eerie wrote on 28 Nov 2022 18:38:

Hey Eerie, 
I totally understand that feeling, at first I don't recall calling nor posting, just providing my daily count on the site and after some time I would fail, and went on. I then played around with gye site and found out about helpers before I found out about forums, so I said let's go for it. My request was sent and HHM was by my side, we spoke and kept our identity quiet although my intent was just to hear a voicemail message I ended up answering because didn't know who it was (maybe just a friend I knew), so I went with it, and just had some help, etzah and b"h my streaks were longer. Still my identity was never shared which he respected me and is totally understandable. We even found out a mehalech and spoke it out with him, due to me being a bachur and I fail usually when I go home during the breaks, so I was thinking besides for the "walks, biking, activities workout etc" I am a guy that just likes sitting and using my break as a break by hitting the couch and chill, so we discovered maybe I can be productive since I do like to type and appreciate shmoozim/shiurim, so maybe I would start typing and baruch hashem, it led to a great success. I ordered a computer had staddim thinking maybe get full access to just kosher sites maybe more loose etc... and then I was like enough is enough and I got it fully blocked from the internet, even from shiurim (so I can invest in myself more). Baruch Hashem all thanks to speaking with HHM my journey led to a great path. So in short, I also did feel icky coming afterwards posting here but like you said about the doctor mashal, it's all in order to help you grow, it's all in order for you to be matzliach BEMES, and we can give 1000s of excuses but LEMA"ASEH, if we push and grind past it although it hurts, all because we know it's the AVODAH HASHEM WANTS FROM US, then bz'h we plan to do it. Obviously, things aren't full proof with that mindset, and still be SHOEL ETZAH to maybe understand why it's what you should do or that it's actually not something ichy (although our feelings are there, and not running away from that),..,*I got to think a bit more on that ichyness, bec u are right feelings can't X out, hmmm.. got to get back on that. Anyways bikitzur x2, I agree Running to the emes and fighting for what is right is I believe is the BEST mehalech, so speaking to people if that can be the tool to get us there so be it, if identity is the issue, like you said google voice can be the trick. Hatzlacha, and hope I made some sense!

Hi emes-a-yid!
You wrote "I am just a 23 single guy". What on earth does that mean? You are a 23 year-old mekadesh shem shomayim! You are single, you live in the despicable world we live in, there are a million and a half things pulling away, and you're on GYE, trying hard, doing all you can to make Hashem proud! What does it mean "Just"?! And, besides for your personal avoda, your comments made me feel very appreciated, something each of us needs to feel. You gave me such chizuk when you wrote that I am giving you chizuk. When I started typing today I thought to myself "Why am I posting? Who needs to hear this? Who wants to read this?" I decided to write anyway, but for myself, to bring out my thoughts. But then you came along and said my writing gives you chizuk, that gave me such a boost! Remember, the words we tell anyone are very powerful!
About the subject I wrote about, maybe GYE can create a system that when you sign up you are emailed a way to reach a person? I wish I would have reached out to HHM a long time ago. Even after I got to GYE I didn't talk to him until this past Friday. (30 min to Shabbos, but don't mind my manners:)) And he's already helping me. 
about your journey, I am so impressed with people who come up with strategies! Problem solving is not one of my strong points... 
Even if I am a few years older than you, and I am out there, I really look up to you and your hard work. Thanks again for the chizuk, brother
p.s. You are no shabby writer yourself

אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן, שְׁלֹשָׁה מַכְרִיז עֲלֵיהֶן הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא בְּכׇל יוֹם: עַל רַוּוֹק הַדָּר בִּכְרַךְ וְאֵינוֹ חוֹטֵא
Pesachim 113

Hi Teshuvaguy,
I did not intend in any way to say that I am actually afraid that someone might give away my identity, I was just expressing my emotions, and my feeling this morning (until I posted! Now I'm fine-the power of expressing what lies within your hearts, my friends) was quite yucky, and understandably so. But the main point I was making was the power of talking to someone, someone who can understand your struggles and hold your hand. I'm a rebbe, in a leadership position, and at this stage in my life I've taken a new rebbe, Reb HHM. It ain't easy, but I will do it. Because I want to get helped. And I would do anything to convince people struggling to reach out to someone real. that's my takeaway...for today:)
See you all tomorrow, dear brothers

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 28 Nov 2022 21:43:

ומה מכריז עליו?
קומ״ט
[כך שמעתי מפי כבוד קדושת הגה״צ קארל מארקס שליטא רבן דכל בני הגולה]