Beautiful post, Eerie!

I'm so happy for you that you've reached 'the קץ'. And I'm even happier that you've reached a point that you feel you can make such a strong, firm resolution never to go back there again. Remember, the removal of darkness always means the revelation of the light that it had been concealing till now (think the Purim story). Ashrecha that you've merited to experience that light!
Keep on being that beacon of light, pillar of support and burst of inspiration that you are to all of us here!

And remember, always, KEEP SOARING!

sleeepy wrote on 01 Mar 2023 03:15:

No one said anything about eternal truths. However many people here, myself included, find his posts and perspective very insightful and profound (- and that’s nothing at all to do with the fact that he's a mod, btw). So instead of just saying that it doesn't speak to you, I'm quite curious to know what exactly you don't agree with.

(If you want to reply, maybe it would be best on a different thread so we can leave Eerie's for himself)

Eerie wrote on 01 Mar 2023 06:12:

WOWOWOW,
why am I emotional?...
what a hero, keep it up.
and thanks for reminding me again that in order to win this struggle we have to daven and daven and beg hashem for his help.
love the final line. (Hashem, I choose You. Please choose me, too.)
all the best
YTW

May Hashem give you the clarity to keep choosing him again and again for as long as you're on this earth

I just read through this thread from start to finish (I did speed read through some of it). 
Eerie, thank you for the PM. One thing that is completely clear to me is that losing you from the chinuch world would be an absolute tragedy. The ability that your struggle and BEH your continued success will give you to be be able to empathize (as opposed to at best sympathy if not judgement) and provide guidance is absolutely priceless. As many have pointed out, the difficulty in approaching a rov or rebbi, especially one that you have a close relationship with, is not knowing how they will react and the risk of ruining or even losing that connection.  I have been going through this for over 30 years and the urges of P&M pale in comparison to the yearning to be able to open to someone.
I can't begin to express the chizzuk i am getting  just reading through these threads and the eye opening experience of seeing other people express what I have only been able to think about for soooooo long! 

eraygrand wrote on 01 Mar 2023 19:44:

Thank you for your warm words, my dear friend. I really appreciate the chizuk. I sometimes wonder if I write too much, but if anybody gets chizuk from my words then it's worth whatever I can do to get it here. Keep trucking, and stick around. There are some wonderful people to connect with here. Hatzlacha in your journey!

Vehkam wrote on 01 Mar 2023 11:35:

Thank you, my dear friend! For your words, for your friendship, for being there at all (funny) times to shmooze things through. I owe you so much!

Dear friends and brothers, the sun is shining brightly! Every stage here is amazing, and it is a new stage now that I've met a GYE friend. What was really funny was that I knew him from before. It is really interesting to see how meeting on GYE creates such different-than-usual dynamics, but it's a friendship like no other I have. I mean, here is a real, live guy that knows who I am in the real world that can read about the most secretive things in my life! It was really nice meeting him and keeping up since. Being a very open person by nature, it is something I appreciate. It also creates a very real accountability, being that this is someone that will see from time to time, and he can read up what I post here. I will admit that when posting things in the BB forum I did feel a little funny, knowing that this friend will see me and my wife, but hey, we are mature people, and I'm ok with it.
And then I had the zechus of meeting the person who changed my life, HHM. The gemara assumes that hespedim are only said on people who are no longer here, so I'll stop here, but boy, do I have a lot to say!!! I will bentch him that he continue his avodas haKoidesh with only all the brachois possible. And may his services never be needed.

sleeepy wrote on 02 Mar 2023 01:49:

Hi,
I am in SA and I know Dov personally, Number one, you don't have to listen to him if it doesn't speak to you. Number 2 you can argue with him if you wish he very much appreciates that. Number 3 When I have argued with him I end up finding out a lot about myself.

Problem with these chats is that things can be taken out of context very easily. If anyone needs to contact Dov please pm me. He has been one of the people who opened my eyes to the very thing I have been hiding from for so many years, MYSELF. Often times he has gotten me wrong, that is when I tell him what I feel and he adjusts to my situation and shows me the correct perspective. Dov is a human like all of us. He effectively made this platform. Rabboisai, my dearest friends, I beg of you not to speak badly of another yid behind his back.
All the very best,

Wow, amazing!!! You are brave and an inspiration!!

I appreciate that @frank.lee, I accredit myself to the amazing program of SA, it has helped me build my confidence to a whole other level. I think this platform has the potential for it also as long as we feel safe to share without anyone jumping down our throats, Just say a big Shakoyach!
Behatzlocha!

Mazel tov on day 200.

Hey, you beat me to it!
Yes, today is an amazing day for me. 200 days BH! (and just passed 400 posts-OMG!)

I thank Hashem for bringing me here, for holding my hand, for not giving up on me! Oy Hashem, I gave up on myself, but You never gave up on me! I cry as I type these words, Hashem how can I ever thank you enough? You love me endlessly, and you were waiting so patiently for so long, for so terribly long, for me to come back to you. You never, ever gave up. Hashem! I can't leave my office, I'm crying too hard. I feel your love so strongly now that I stop and think about all those years, I led a terrible double life, and yet you still loved me, you still had patience, you still believed the day would come that I would come back to you. Hashem, I can not thank you enough or express enough what I feel. I love you as much as my heart can feel love. Thank you for believing in me and helping me and holding my hand. I want to stay here with you forever! Please Hashem, hold me tight and don't ever leave go!

I thank the tazddikim who created this Holy place that has changed my life, the life of my children, my marriage, I can't thank you enough for being the place that has brought me home!

And Rebbe, I know you don't want thanks here, so I won't write it. The words with which to thank you have not been invented anyway! hashem should bentch you, the love the respect, the acceptance, and the good hard pushes, I don't know how you always know what to say. Including when you say "Gimpel, it's time to grow up". It's one of my favorite ones!

And thank you to all the wonderful friends that have such a huge part in my freedom, Rosih Vrishoin Vehkam, the 1st guy I spoke to here, and I don't think more than 2 days have gone by since that we didn't speak. And so many others, אשר איאפשר לפורטם כי רבים הם, you know who you are and I know who you are. May hashem bentch you all.
Looking forward to giving the oilam an update at 2000 days:)

So proud of you. What a role model!! Mazel tov, dear Eerie, who reaches out to everyone and cares so much. 

Eerie wrote on 10 Mar 2023 20:06:

Wow awesome Eerie, keep at it, ur trucking away good for you, soon by us all!