Hi there all my dear bothers, holy members of GYE! Inspired by some other people's posts, I'd like to share something that happened this morning, in a fleeting moment. The whole thing took maybe 10 seconds. I was contemplating that through Hashem's wonderful kindness to me I found GYE, I got in touch with some great new friends, I gained a rebbe who guides, directs and inspires, and I realized that Hashem is so nice to me and helped me get where I am today, where even a little deeper in my mind I don't feel that I am looking for or hoping to find porn or anything of the sort. As I came to this realization, I started thinking "do I really not WANT it? do I really not have a DESIRE for it?", and the next step was that I started to feel around inside my mind, to see whether I had that desire or not, but I quickly realized that this was the YH pushing, and I shut it down. It reminded me that we have to be ever vigilant of the schemes of the YH, and don't even let him get one foot in the door. Once we start thinking, one thought leads to another...I was reminded of the vort "התאוו תאוה", klal yisroel at that time didn't even have a taavah, but they had a taavah to have a taavah. We have to be so careful from all of the YH's tricks, first he'll tell me "just check if you have a taavah", and then next...We gotta lock him out of our hearts and minds. 
My dear friends, thanks for being here for me, and let's all keep trucking!

I just remembered, I saw from Reb Elya Lopian, I believe, the mishna says "הסתכל בשלשה דברים ואין אתה בא לידי עבירה", and Reb Elya was מדייק that the mishna says that these things will help ensure that you will not come to "ידי עבירה", in keilim the word yidei means the handle, once a person is in the aveirah, once his YH has a grip on his thoughts, on his desires, it is very difficult to release the YH grip. The mishna is teaching us preventative measures, and enumerates thoughts that will prevent a person from falling into the "handle", the beginning, the vehicle, the thoughts that will lead him to sin. We have to learn to recognize the first stages of the YH's thoughts, and stop him in his tracks. Once he has a foothold it's much harder to throw him out. 

Re: our conversations about thinking about Hashem and cultivating a real relationship with Him, saw the email from Reb Avigdor Miller, here is what he said, copy pasted from the daily email. He has such beautiful things to say

Q:
If someone has to go to a family event and he thinks that it’ll just be a big waste of time how can he protect himself from the negative influences?

A:
What kind of event?

Q:
A wedding.

A:
If someone has to go to a wedding, how can he protect himself? That's a good question.

I'll give you some advice but don't tell it to the people there.

As you stand at the wedding, think of Hakodosh Boruch Hu. Think about that. There's so much to think about. What will you think about? You heard something tonight.  You heard about tzelem Elokim. Think about that. And as they say “Mazel tov, mazel tov,” and so on and as they're dancing, you do everything with them; but you think these thoughts all the time. All the time.

I'll give you another thing to do. As you're at the wedding, look at all the frum Jews. They're all frum Jews. You should think, “Hashem should bless this one with a long life.” “This one should live long.” “And this one should live long and be healthy.” If you bless Jews, it's a big mitzvah. It’s a big mitzvah to bless the Jewish people. You know that? You never thought about that? ואברכה מברכיך – I'll bless those who bless you.

So let’s say you're sitting at a chasunah. You're bored. What should you do? People are sitting and eating. So you think, “Hakadosh Baruch Hu should bless this Jew.” Now, don't say it – think it. “Hashem should bless this one.” “This one should live long.” “He should marry off his daughters.” “He should make a lot of money.” “He should be happy.” Youre blessing all the frum Jews, one by one. You're doing a very big mitzvah. It sounds crazy? It's worth being crazy.

So if you want to think about Hakdosh Boruch Hu, all right. If you want to bless the Am Yisroel, do it. And so while you're at the wedding, you’re doing mitzvos all the time. Every time you say “I'm giving a bracha to this Jew over there he should live long. That Jew should live long,” you should know you’re doing a d’var Hashem. Hashem wants you to bless the Am Yisroel. ואברכה מברכיך. And even Bilam said the same thing. מברכיך ברוך. To bless a Jew is a wonderful thing.

If you have nothing else to do, I would say that while you're sitting there, talk over the Ketzos Hachoshen. You ever learned Ketzos Hachoshen? Oh, it's a wonderful limud. Think of a Ketzos Hachosen. You’re thinking about how you can do pidyon haben with a kohen katan. A wonderful Ketzos Hachoshen! A kohen katan, can you give him pidyon haben? He has no yad to be koneh. It's a question. You're thinking about that. You can say maybe it’s da'as acheres makneh. The father has a yad so it's different. Then you say no, that's only if it's your money. But it’s tovas hanaah, this money. It's not your money. Tovas hanaah is not mammon to be makneh al yidei daas acheres. You’re thinking about a Ketzos. Ahh! It's a wonderful thing. If you know a Ketzos Hachoshen, think it over at a wedding.

Don't waste any time. It's a pity to waste your life.

I suggest giving blessings. That's easy. Everybody can give blessings. Give blessings, certainly. Or think about what you heard tonight. Think about tzelem Elokim. Think about Adam in Gan Eden. There are so many wonderful lessons. Our minds should be full of these things. If you remember a blatt gemara ba'al peh, say it ba'al peh the blatt gemara. Whatever it is, you don't need to waste your life. 

TAPE # E-251 (October 2000)
Rabboisai, keep trucking!

Eerie wrote on 08 Jan 2023 18:28:

Great stuff (as usual)
thank you! 

Hi there all my dearest friends and comrades, holy brothers whom I am privileged to have alongside me as we fight this battle! Today is an emotional milestone for me. Today I clocked 150 days clean from P&M!

To me that number is huge, I don't believe I ever went that long in the past 10-12 years. I look back to the past 2 months, and even further back to the past few years, and I am overcome with emotion. Hashem in His infinite kindness held me from falling in too many times, He set up my life that I didn't have regular access so I BH did not have regular falls. But when I did have access, I fell. I never signed up to GYE even though I knew about it, because I told myself that I don't need it, I can stop all on my own. Famous last words. 151 days ago I fell, when I discovered a computer that I had access to, in the Yeshiva where I work, did not have a filter. I fell bad for a few hours. The next day, when I again had access to that computer, I really struggled over whether I should put a filter. I knew I should, but the YH kept pushing me, and I had the urge and desire to see more. I kept thinking to myself that I'll put on the filter in a few days, first let me 'chap arein' whatever I can. After some time struggling back and forth, I finally beat him and installed a filter.

And the next thing I did was sign up for GYE. Because I finally realized that I can not do this alone. I signed in every day, but I remained silent. I was only looking for the accountability at that point, and GYE did provide that.
Before I continue with the timeline, I must say that now I realize how much damage the exposure has done to me, even the sporadic exposure. First of all, I wrote some in the BB forum of how things have crept into my married life that really didn't belong. Things I was doing because I took chosson lessons from the absolutely false world of porn. Those things, which seeped in because deep in my mind I thought I was making things better, actually took things down a notch, but more on that soon. Second of all, I realize now how much brain space all that garbage was taking up. I would think over the things I saw and read, especially in the days after a fall. It just happened to me today that something triggered some memories, and my mind started going there, but I was BH able to shift my mind away right away and push those thoughts out. It made me realize the long way I've come, I never really realized this in the past that when I'd have something trigger me I'd go right back to the fantasies of what I'd watched. I stopped in middle of my story to make this point because I feel it important to point out that even though I was checking in every day or two, nothing really changed in my mind. Issue number one, the damage in my bedroom, I don't know if I would have ever realized and done anything about, and issue number two as well, even though I was already approximately 90 days clean, I really don't feel that anything changed in my inner landscape, in my mind, in my fantasies, in my objectifying, and really even in my desire to see porn.

Back to the timeline
Then, one day, I decided to open my heart and let out the things that nobody has ever known about me. I posted, and the combination of getting my 'secret' out, combined with the caring responses I got from the chevra, it literally propelled me into a new world. A world of brothers who care about me, a world of friends who respect me in spite of what I've done, even if I'm the guy at the head table at the dinner, a world of acceptance and mutual respect. The restorative effect this had on me cannot be overstated. I was flying high! I know I should mention by name some of the chevra who reached out, אבל אי אפשר לפורטם כי רבים הם, but every one of you know who you are, and please know that I remain eternally grateful. Being in a public position, being in a chinuch position, made it very hard for me to live with myself, to respect myself, to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the guy who was looking back. Once I shared it with you, my holy brothers, and I read your responses, it so altered the way I viewed myself I cannot begin to tell you. If you look back in this thread you'll see the day I wrote that I am sitting in my office and crying after reading your messages, it's the truth! I really couldn't believe that people thought that way. I owe you so much! תהא משכורתכם שלימה מאת ה!

My dearest Rebbe, friend, chaver, best buddy, therapist and G-d knows what else, please be moichel me for the next few lines. Then, erev Shabbos 20 minutes to the zman, I spoke to HHM for the first time. It would be impossible to clock the amount of hours I spent talking to him over the next few weeks. I want to know where he has so much time! With so much caring and patience he showed me how to say no. He taught me that we have to remember that we don't NEED it. Ever. We may want it, desire it, have urges, but we don't NEED it. He showed me how to believe in myself, to have self-worth more than self-esteem. He taught me how to stand in front of the mirror and smile at the reflection. He ever so gently and thoughtfully got me thinking, got me to realize what I had done to my marriage, and then he directed me step by step on how to fix it. In short, he changed my life, my way of thinking. The words have not been created yet with which I can properly express my hakoras hatov.(yes, I know, so gimpeley!) I know this is not the BB forum, but I think it's ok to say that with HHM's direction, I managed to get rid of many of the things that were wrong, and BH married life has only gotten better.
Moral of the story? There are many wonderful things here, but there ain't nothin' like talking to someone live, to get direction and advice for where you are now from someone who understands what you are going through. Reach out and talk to someone who can help! I even left a message with the administration here suggesting they put a button on the home page where you can click to connect to a GYE mentor. 

In the past almost 2 months I've posted a lot, and I really feel like I have so many holy brothers here. I feel that joining GYE from the last computer I had a fall on, and continuing to be a part of the GYE family is a fulfillment of the concept in teshuvah of doing teshuvah using the object one sinned with. I thank Hashem for all the major things He has given me by getting me here. I feel like a different person than the one who signed up over 150 days ago. I thank Hashem for the opportunity to undo some of the damage I've done. I thank Hashem for showing me the way back home. I thank Hashem for the new wonderful Rebbe and friends I gained, all who constantly inspire. And I ask Hashem, please help me stay this way forever, help all my holy brothers come close to You, and together we'll all sit at the head table at the se'udas livyoson! Dearest brothers, thank you for letting me join your family, thank you for being there for me always, thank you for enlightening me in so many ways, and don't forget: KEEP TRUCKING!

Eerie wrote on 19 Jan 2023 19:42:

Mazel tov on 150!  You have been an inspiration and a friend since you arrived here.  
best
vehkam

 i wish you could divide in smaller paragraphs, my ADHD comes in harder with looong posts
please i want to read it

I'll try for you Ybird!

Better now?

Eerie wrote on 19 Jan 2023 19:59:

Thanks a million, what a colorful story

Wow, great post. 
mazel tov on the 150 

bezras HaShem many many more days ahead 

Vehkam wrote on 19 Jan 2023 19:55:

Thank you, my friend. For the warm words...and for the friendship! Keep inspiring us all, my holy friend!

Same here!
I was able to read about half of it and then spaced out.....

Hi there holy friends and brothers! I heard a vort that I felt really applied to me. This guy asked why we find in the parsha the mitzva of eating maror. Now, for us, 3335 years later, we need maror to remind us that it was bitter in mitzrayim, but the Torah gave the mitzva to the Jews leaving Mitzrayim as well, what did they need a reminder for? Didn't they suffer the brutality of the Mitzrim on their own skin, in the loss of their children, the backbreaking labor? (total side note- if you want to know what Mitzrayim was like I would highly recommend reading the book "the Last Slave" by Y. Komornick. I found it gave me a whole new appreciation of Yetzias Mitzrayim) So this guy answered that sometimes when we are in a difficult place, when we suffer, we don't even realize the extent of the evil done until the evil is taken away. It was only when the bad thing goes away that we begin to realize how bad it really was. 
What's this gotta do with GYE? I heard the vort and I thought "That sounds like me. I thought I knew what was wrong with me, I thought I knew what needs fixing. I thought I knew the extent of the damage porn had done to me. But now, as I am holding, with Hashem's great mercy, at 155 days, I see that I didn't even realize how far off I'd gone. When I got married I literally did not look at women. Period. If my wife's friends or cousins came, I wouldn't be in the same room as them, wouldn't look at them, would not speak anything I didn't need to. And what happened to me? I came here to stop watching porn, but now I see, what happened to shmiras einayim in general? What happened to the pure Eerie? I realize now how much I was looking at women, at billboards, ads, how much I thought about sex, and I realize that only now that I have some Geula do I realize the extent of the Maror. 
Dearest brothers, thanks for being here for me, for sharing all you do, for being my chizuk team, and don't ever forget....KEEP TRUCKING!

If I can share a little tip with the Oilam HaGYE HaChashuvim. I'd assume that like myself when you are in a hurry and you need to reach your wife, you call her cell...and it goes to voicemail. You wonder why you pay her cellphone bill. Or why she has a cellphone in the first place. And you hang up, frustrated. Wait!!! Don't hang up yet! A little while ago I thought of this. I can use that same annoying moment to get some points in the game. The game of life that is, you know, the one where G-d keeps score.. Instead of just hanging up, I can leave a short message that can reverberate for days. The message can be something like this: "Hi my favorite person! You are so special to me!  I wanted to talk to you about something, but if that didn't happen at least I can tell you how lucky I am to have you as my wife.Bye!" 
It can go a far way, my holy friends. Try it out!

Eerie wrote on 25 Jan 2023 21:07:

whats the number?