jackthejew wrote on 12 Dec 2022 21:14:

Thank you so much, my dear friends! I want you to know, one of the most amazing things I've discovered is the friendships I have here, people who care and share and are waiting to hear. For over 10 years it  was in my mind, nobody was in there but me and my thoughts, and since I started posting 2.5 weeks ago everything has changed, I feel so relieved to talk to you guys and hear from you. Keep pumping..... and sharing! And thank you for letting me into your family!

Hi again to all my holy friends at GYE! It's interesting that I find it hard to think of myself as holy, but I think of anyone that's here as holy, doing their best to fight the YH in spite of everything they've done or seen. Ashreichem!
I wanted to share 2 points. Number 1, I want to describe a feeling. I don't know that I can capture it in words, but I'll try. If you would have asked me a few weeks ago I would have described the urges, the desires as something that have a hold over me, they push, they even control to some extent. I remember many times as I struggled and fought, I kept telling myself "in the end you're gonna do it, so just do it. You have this urge that has a hold over you". Now that I'm on the road to freedom, thank the Holy One, blessed is He for getting me here, I have a different feeling. If there was a force that was holding me, than I would need to figure out how I can be stronger than it, how to release it's grip on me, and I have not really done that much. What I feel is that I released it, not it released me. Maybe I'm being too philosophical, but that's the feeling that I feel and trying to describe. I feel like I released this thing from my grip, like I was holding on tight all these years, and now, with work on perspective and the clear decision to end it all, to just stop, I feel like I changed, not my urge. I feel like I learned to let it go, maybe the most important thing I learned was that I don't need it, it doesn't provide for my health or wellbeing, so I can just let it go. I hope I made sense, either way, I know what I mean.
Another point I want to share is that I think that somehow this journey is impacting me in so many ways outside of the actual struggle. Last Friday my wife broke the fridge. Actually, she broke it Thursday night but only noticed Friday morning. So I'm running to work, all the food for Shabbos was cooked and now had to be thrown out and cooked fresh, and we had no fridge. I am embarrassed to tell you what I would have done a few weeks ago. And even though I know that I should keep quiet, I always convince myself that she has to know that what she did is unacceptable. I know, she knows she made a mistake and feels stupid, but still, if I was upset would say something not so nice(putting it mildly). And now I just told myself there is no point in getting worked up and saying anything, just zip it. And that's what I did. I feel like the two points are connected, because I learned a little about self-control, about the idea that I can decide what I think, see, do, and what I say to my wife. So the journey to freedom has lots of perks. Thanks again to all of you for being the inspiration that you are!

Ah freilichen Chanukah to all my holy brothers at GYE! Want to share one small vort. Somebody asked me a question, we seem to be celebrating the fact that we had oil for 8 days, which gave us the opportunity to fulfill the mitzva of lighting the menorah for those 8 days. But on the other hand it's been hundreds of thousands of nights since we lost the bais Hamikdash, and all those nights we have not had the opportunity to do the mitzva of lighting the menorah? Imagine somebody who made tons of money on the stock market, and he's feeling so good about it. Then a little while later he invested all of his fortune into a business deal that went bad, and now he's left with tons of debt, would he celebrate his fortune now that it's gone? So what are we happy about? There are many ways to answer the question, like in all of Torah. But I thought of something that I think is a powerful point for all of us here. So many of us fight so hard, we get a day, a week, maybe more. And then the YH gets us to slip up. But worse then the fall is that he tries so hard to convince us that we have nothing now. He makes us feel like the guy who blew his newfound fortune. But nothing could be further from the truth! Because in the world of mitzvos and actions, in the world of doing Hashem's will, one day clean is one day clean, it's yours to treasure forever and ever. What you do the next day or even the next minute does not change the fact that you have one day clean on your record. We all have to strive and aim high, but we can't lose sight of every little gain that we had, of even one hour clean. Every victory is a reason for celebration! When we got 8 days to light the menorah, it makes no difference what happened before or after, we got those days and we celebrate them. And so too, for all of us. Whatever success we have, as small as it may be, it's ours forever and ever, it makes Hashem so proud that we try and we fight, and He loves us forever. My dear brothers, hold on to every drop of goodness, sing about it, dance about it, and remember how much Hashem loves you.

Eerie wrote on 19 Dec 2022 05:54:

Wow, beautiful vort! Thank you 

Hi there, dear friends and brothers at GYE! I was looking at some other threads and I noticed something. I see that many successful warriors have worked on something that I find difficult, as embarrassed as I am to say it. I read through some of Vehkam's truly inspirational posts, and others' too, and I noticed that besides for working on the issue of staying clean, this journey is an opportunity for working on developing a real relationship with Hashem. In my first conversation with Vehkam he actually pointed that out to me. But I'm embarrassed to say that even though I feel that I'm BH having a successful journey, please Hashem hold my hand and let it last forever, but I find the part that they've discovered very hard. I will admit that if I don't have something inspirational going on in my life, I find it very hard to concentrate during davening. It's only when I have a tzarah c"v or I'm riding on inspiration of some sort that I really think about what I'm saying. I always loved learning, but davening, even today that I understand the words, is really hard for me. My mind just wanders. From time to time I am inspired to work on my relationship with Hashem, and what I do is that when I walk down the street by myself I think about how much Hashem loves me and how many wonderful things He has done for me, and that list is very, very long. But I usually don't stick to these things, and I feel like I have a whole undiscovered world before me. How do I get in? I wish I knew. I try to do what's right, I try to raise my children to do what's right, but I feel like I really need to focus on developing my relationship with Hashem, my love for Him, my reverence for Him, my gratitude for all He's done. It won't happen on it's own, and it's hard work. I don't feel like I even have a clarity on how to go about it.

I forgot to end the last piece with the words "any advice?". I really would appreciate if someone shared something very practical -not fluffy- on how to get working on living with Hashem in my life. I thought maybe stopping before each mitzva and remembering the idea that every mitzva is our connection to Hashem, but I wonder how practical that is for a starting point.

sleepy wrote on 27 Dec 2022 22:18:

I got the idea of talking to Hashem and thinking about His love for me as I walk in the street from rabbi Miller. Agreed, he was a giant of a man with many practical thoughts on connecting to Hashem. I will try to get that book. Thanks

I love people who quote themselves....

I just read somewhere, maybe GYE, that one way to hold on focus by davening is to point your finger at the place, moving along word to word.

Another thing that may help, before each bracha, think for a couple seconds about what you are about to ask for.

Eerie wrote on 27 Dec 2022 21:27:

To my dear friend R' Eerie,
I will respond when i can formulate my thoughts properly.  I tried to do it now but i ran out of time.  
B'yedidus,
vehkam

Vehkam wrote on 28 Dec 2022 01:00:

as promised....

I am not sure that this will answer your question but hopefully there is something here that can be helpful.  (every journey is unique and each person needs to develop their own way of connecting)

I would say that for me it was more than just an “opportunity” to develop my relationship with hashem.  Once my perspective changed to believe that hashem still wanted me, my whole journey became about being close to hashem.  I was more focused on that positive aspect than anything else.  That was (and still is) my motivation.  This was absolutely necessary in order for me to be successful.  If my desire to have a close relationship with hashem was not stronger than the desire to act out I would not have had a chance.  This was an emotional reconnection.  It did not start by having long shemona esrai’s.  It started with small things that I was doing throughout the day.  Saying Modeh Ani out loud and thinking about it.  Thinking about how hashem loves me before I kissed my tzitzis in shma.  Bentching slowly from a siddur.  At some point my davening started to become more emotional and I found messages that resonated with me throughout the davening. Much of the davening started to come alive. At that point my davening slowed down and for many months I was able to maintain focus.

I found that in Nissan and Elul there was an extra siyaata dishmaya in getting close to hashem.  I was able to imagine hashem in front of me (if it could be) waiting lovingly to hear from me.  I focused a lot on how a father longs to hear from and embrace their child and I tried to relate to hashem as that child.  I chose to daven every tefila as an opportunity that I cherished and was excited to do. I did not approach davening as something that I needed to cross off of my to do list.  If nothing else, I was speaking to the one who clearly saved my life and my gratitude for that and for so much good that has come my way needed to be expressed in a way that was genuine and heartfelt; not rushed and scripted.

There were also Friday nights that I found myself home alone and I was able to close my eyes and connect through the zmiros.  I did not have to contend with any interruptions, and it was just me and hashem.  (and any neshamos that I imagined might have joined us.) I did not hold back.  At times the emotions caused me to be overcome with tears but I did not shy away from that.  I wanted to express myself from the deepest recesses of my soul.  To give voice to the part of me that was always yearning to connect to hashem and had been stifled for way too long.  To allow that voice to define who I am and who I always want to be.

When I was in an emotional state, it was easier to connect and stay connected.  Often my writing would reflect this.  I knew that I needed to capture the emotions into written words.  With time, the emotions fade and I wanted to be able to revisit them.  I have tremendous gratitude to hashem that he allowed me write everything that I did.  On occasion I go back and read what I have previously written and many times the emotions temporarily reawaken.

Life goes on and I am certainly a lot less emotional.  There are days that I find it much harder to keep my mind focused during shemona esrai.  However, I try my hardest and if I “space out” even for a lot of shemona esrai I focus on salvaging what I have left.  I don’t want to take anything for granted but I also know that I am human and I will have my ups and downs.  My goal is to keep pushing myself, ever so gently, so that the ups will become higher and the downs will be”h be shorter.

One of the things that was helpful to me, specifically for davening, was that I bought a copy of Rabbi Feigenbaum’s teen siddur.  I tried to prepare a page each night.  I also thought a lot about how I relate to hashem.  I used to relate to hashem as the policeman or judge that would certainly throw the book at  me for all the wrongs I had done.  I no longer think that way.  The fact that hashem knows what is in the recesses of my heart used to cause me to worry and be ashamed.  Today that same fact is a source of comfort.

I want to serve hashem will all my being.  This is easy to say when I am not tested.  I daven every day that I not be tested.  Yet, I do believe that if I was offered a billion dollars, plus a guarantee that hashem would be mochel me 100% for doing it, I still would not choose to look at an improper picture for a fraction of a second.  My relationship with hashem means that I will not knowingly choose to do anything that is not ratzon hashem. 

Thanks so much for all of your support and friendship
B'yedidus
Vehkam

Vehkam wrote on 28 Dec 2022 03:43:

Oh my gosh, Vehkam. I didn’t think you could do any more for me…and then, this post. It’s hard to type because my eyes are watery. I am going to read and reread this post over and over and over again. What you just wrote is my aspiration. What you just described is what I deeply want and am working toward, and you give it substance and share tools to make it happen. If you have any more wisdom to add to this, please, please don’t hold back. Your words are a gift. I don’t know how to describe it so I won’t try. But what you have to say is deeply transformative. I just want to hug you. I have read where you came from and seeing who you are now is incredibly motivating to someone like me, and it fills me with hope that even I can connect to my creator. I’m sorry to be so emotional. Just, thank you. Your friendship is a treasure. I’m 68. I only hope I still have time to get where I want to be.

Eerie wrote on 27 Dec 2022 22:19:

What worked for me, is how the Missilas Yesharim tells us to have a loving relationship with Hashem. Treat Hashem as you would anyone you love.  Talk to Hashem as you would talk to anyone you love. Feel like bonding with the light of Hashem in the same way you feel like bonding with anyone you love! Wish about spending time in Hashem's presence just like you would wish to spend time in someone you love's presence. Once we start talking to Hashem as if he was a loved one, Hashem really becomes our closest, most lovable and most cherished loved one. And we begin to understand and feel a little bit of the "no word to explain how big" love for us Hashem have for us.

Try it, it really works! Do you tell your wife "I love you so so so so so much"? Then say the same thing to Hashem! Next time you want to thank Hashem, instead of saying "i have hakoras hatov to hashem", say to Hashem ---(shouldn't be in front of others, its inappropriate for a close relationship, it ruins the intimacy-just like in a regular relationship) --"Hashem i love you so so so so so so much" i love you and i want to just cling to you forever i love you so much". "i cant get over how much i love you and there's no way to express the love you have of me and the love i have of you Hashem" "thank you so much for being there for me, tatty/daddy/father who I love so much" Now for the missilas yesharim,

ונדבר עתה מענין האהבה, וענפיה הם ג': השמחה, הדביקות, והקנאה. LOVE OF G-D: Let us now speak on the matter of love [of G-d]. Its branches are three: joy, clinging, and jealousy.                                             

The spoiler has the text in between the the paragraph above and the paragraph below.

והנה זאת ודאי שאהבה זאת צריך שלא תהיה אהבה התלויה בדבר, דהיינו שיאהב את הבורא יתברך על שמטיב אליו ומעשירו ומצליח אותו אלא כאהבת הבן לאביו שהיא אהבה טבעית ממש שטבעו מכריחו וכופהו לזה, כמאמר הכתוב (דברים ל"ב): הלא הוא אביך קנך. This love certainly must not be a "love which depends on something" (Avot 5:16). Namely, that one should love the blessed Creator, not because He bestows good to him and grants him wealth and success. Rather, it should be like the love of a son for his father, which is actually (mamash) a natural love, to which the son's nature compels and forces him to this. As scripture states: "is He not your Father, your Master?" (Devarim 32:6).

Human being wrote on 28 Dec 2022 04:30:

Thank you, HB. I’m just lapping all this up and it’s all really helpful (even though Eerie is the one who asked the question, I’m vicariously benefiting from the responses!) 

I think a lot of us suffering from lust have much greater opportunities getting closer to Hashem then others without this struggle. 
This is not a guess, i have done lots of research on this. Its clear to me that Hashem has given us a greater portion of love then other people and when we learn how to channle that love to the right places, we can go much higher. 
This is also based on a lot of Chasidish Sforim that say the same. 
SO lets use our powers for good. And create light from darkness.