wow... kosherman... I'm actually in tears as I read your post... while I can't say that I've shared the same experience, I can deeply relate and empathize with your pain. I have nothing else to say right now.. I'm just in awe!

Hey Kosherman, I just read your story.  I want to congratulate you for making a choice to go in the right direction, by deciding to join this program.

I am very new to this site ( a few days) so I've been checking things out, and your story stood out to me considerably ( This is my first post on the gye forum)

It's honest, and raw.  The truth is life can be very challenging; and looking around realistically it can be easy (at times) to say: after all the violence, and abuse that is in the world can masturbation, and porn really be that bad?!  If anything sometimes it seems like porn and masturbation, could be a good thing, considering some of the other negative activities (violence, self-destructive behaviors, etc.) we could be doing instead.

In truth porn, and masturbation, are very destructive on a spiritual level!  We must pray to HaShem that he help us cleanse our souls so that we can see this, and that we have the strength to avoid these sins!


Before reading your post, I just finished reading Chapter 1 of "The Battle of the Generation" (which I found referenced multiple times on this site)  so it's fresh in my mind. The theme of that chapter is "Succeeding despite difficulty is the point of life."  Basically there is much more merit in a success if it was very difficult to accomplish.  I think that really fits with your story because you have had to deal with many challenges since your childhood, and continue to deal with them.


HaShem choose the challenges he gave you for you specifically, he did not give them to me, or to somebody else, because you are the only one who could handle them.

I want to finish off by saying you are a warrior, and you are very strong! Don't even for a second think of yourself as a victim, or weak, that is nonsense.  HaShem is guiding you on a powerful mission that only you can accomplish, and you've already made it very far to get to where you are at today.  Stay focused on your power, and keeping moving toward the positive life you are meant for.

There is no question it is a battle... the only way you lose is if you stop fighting.

Dear Kosher man, just read through your whole thread. Truly incredible but extremely painful. Pls stay here, keep posting and maybe try partner/mentor program.

Love,
Excellence  

Wow! You went through a lot! I feel for you!

And I am back...
So, it has been a while since my last post and a lot has happened in my life. Not sure how much I am going to get into it only that I am still struggling with Porn and masturbation. After all my loneliness I finally got married this past year. I thought that would help with my addiction but sadly it has not [not shocking though...]. The lust for porn and masturbation are very different desires than marriage relations, and the lust for P & M remains strong even after marriage. [Though the desire for anything outside of P & M has seemed to fade guess that was too new to stick B'h.] There is something very pleasurable and relaxing about P & M, especially as that has been my defense mechanism for stress for so long. [Yes I can recognize my own patterns]. So what brings me back here what do I hope to gain? Honestly, I am not sure. I have tried so many times to quit why try again, why will this time be different? Yet I guess deep down I am a hopeless romantic [which worked for the marriage thing...shockingly] so I guess I am here to try again. Is there a plan? No, not really, I figure to start trying to post when I am bored and feel urges. Try using this forum as a way to release stress. [Hope I am not too obnoxious, though at the rate of one post per year not sure it will be that bad] Great plan? No, but it's something...right?

Porn and Masturbation have been a big part of my life and have gotten me through some really hard times. It will be really hard to say goodbye to these old Frenemies. Through all the painful years they have always been there to help me through, always there to pick me up or distract me from the pain. But, now it may be time to say goodbye. I have waited for too long and always gave myself some excuse. I have nothing. But as I sit here I have so much and so much to be thankful for. Hashem has given me so much and given me other ways to cope so it's time to set aside these coping mechanisms despite it being so difficult.

But why give them up if they have been so great?
I don't have a full answer to this question. I think I have decided to give them up because they don't benefit me. Yes, they feel good at the moment, but they distract from the real good in my life. Whether taking time from my wife, work, learning, or sleep the addiction has become intrusive.  I used to have more of a need to waste time now I don't have that luxury. I have also noticed how my using affects my relationship with my wife, how I act towards her, and don't give her as much attention as she deserves. Lastly, I know it's wrong and not what Hashem wants from me. He has given me so much good and while there is no repaying Hashem it's kind of obnoxious to use all the good he has given me to disobey him.

Ok, so I have a reason to give up the P & M and plan [sorta] what can go wrong. Welcome to my journey, stick around for the next installment maybe it will be sooner than a year.

Sounds like you have lots of reasons... Have you reached out to HHM?

I read through your post. Firstly,  Mazel tov on getting married.  Two quick points from my personal experience, stuck on P&M for almost 40 years and now BH over 200 days clean. 

1. You have to start by making it difficult to access via filters, webchaver..... I don't think it's possible to have the willpower to stop when it's been a major part of your life for so long and the emotional attachment that you have to it.
2. Find some realistic short term goal, maybe 30 days, and see if that makes a difference in your married life (not just the bedroom). Seeing an improvement in your relationship with your wife will provide another tool in your fight especially since you waited so long to get there.