I know it sounds weird [especially on this type of forum] but I think it is true. Porn and masterbation saved my life. I know you’d expect that it would be ruined, but let me explain by telling you my story. Well before I begin let me tell you a little about me. I am an older single who went to yeshiva for many years and values learning though I am worldly. I wouldn’t say I am yeshivish [mainly because I don’t like that label] I watch movies and have the internet [including a smartphone]. I went to college and currently work, but I am still involved in yeshiva, trying to learn daily, daven with a minyan, and value the frum lifestyle.
When I was younger I was extremely depressed. I didn't recognize that at the time but I realize it now. I felt like I had no one; not parents, siblings or friends. I truly felt alone and that no one cared about me.
At home growing up, I faced what I see now as verbal abuse. (No real physical abuse though both my parents did hit me I never felt physically abused.) My father had/has an anger problem and there was always a fear of crossing him wrong. It was really easy to set him off and there was a fear that he would physically lash out [maybe a little physical abuse]. I really believe he hates me. (That is a long story for another time.) The put-downs were constant. I was never good enough and always did something wrong. [Also it didn't help that I was a rambunctious child.] My father would (and still does) react passively aggressively and overtly aggressively. [It's kind of funny because now my mother always asks why I don't come home more often like I should want to come home and also when I do come home I still face the same abuse. You would think it is obvious, but the human ability to blind ourselves is astounding.] My mother, though she was nice, also suffered from anger issues and was also overwhelmed dealing with her children as well as my father. There were times she would lash out and yell at me as well, though she was more caring [never felt like she hated me] but not healthy either. It took many years to come to terms with the abuse. I remember a rebbe telling me you're not going to change them and needing to remove myself from the relationship. [Sounds really harsh and it was, but it was correct.] It was/is really hard and painful giving up on the relationship with my parents. Yes sometimes they are nice and show care but I know that in the end, they will always put me down. [If you have children, realize that when they are young that is your time to build a relationship with them because when they are older they may not want the relationship anymore. Sorry, I just felt the need to insert some child rearing advice.]
My siblings would try to stay out of the splash zone (my father's wrath) and growing up I never was really close to them growing up, though as we have gotten older I have become closer with them. In my younger years unfortunately, they also contributed to some of my torment. I am second to youngest and my younger brother is quite a few years younger and was given different treatment than the rest of my siblings [okay yes a little bitter but who doesn't have a little sibling rivalry?]. The sibling right above me had issues [Anger issue, wonder where he got that from?] and while at times we were close we also fought. None of my siblings were ever there emotionally for me to run to. At times they would gang up on me with my father to put me down. [Honestly, I don’t really hold it against them. It was a good way to keep the heat off of them.] We never discussed what was going on, and even now it is taboo in the family to talk about our issues, especially the way we were raised. Some of us siblings have had some conversations around the anger and the putdowns, but never discussing the long-term consequences that the abuse has had on our psyches [and for sure never label it as the abuse it was/is].
At school, I was an outcast (I would rather not try to explain, also didn't help that I was extremely guarded and defensive) I faced bullying in my younger years in school and never really made close friends (even after the bullying stopped). I eventually went away to high school where I got help and started to overcome my issues. [Today I'm a much happier person with friends and am a decently well adjusted human.]
So what does my story have to do with porn and masturbation and how did it save my life? Well, porn and masturbation were my safe place while growing up. I began to use masturbation and porn before I was 13, I don't have the exact age [it was quite young]. I would get screamed at and put down then go masturbate and make things bearable. I would fantasize and escape from the hell I was in for a little bit. It made life almost bearable [usually sexual fantasies they were the best]. It is interesting I never blamed or questioned Hashem I had my outlet. (Chazal says for every sickness there is a cure well I had mine.) When I was younger I did not even understand what I was doing let alone that it was "wrong", which may explain why I never have suffered from real guilt around porn and masturbation. Looking back if I didn't have it I don't know if I'd be here. I might have turned to drugs, dangerous activities, or just ended things. (I know I wasn't healthy, I since went to therapy and dealt with many of my issues [or at least to an extent there are scars and at times these wounds do reopen.]) To illustrate how bad it was, the first thing I ever really davened for was to die. (I've been informed this is not something a healthy child should pray for.) Porn and masterbation looking back saved me. They were my safe place without it, I do not know where I would’ve ended up. It was the one thing I could really rely on and it didn’t let me down [as opposed to everybody and everything else (at least that’s how it felt)].
Sorry if you thought this was the end of the story. There is more.
Later in life as I got healthier I started to understand it was "wrong" and started to resist. While I was in yeshiva I was decently successful [extended streaks of no pornography and lesser but still streaks without masterbation] then I would go home and just immerse myself in porn and masturbate. It was a cycle. As I have gotten older and more technological [smartphone, computer etc.] it has gotten harder, and I have had varying degrees of success.
Then I entered shidduchim, well to be honest entering shidduchim wasn’t the issue, it's that I have not left. At first it was okay, I got rejected [big deal been through worse did I mention my parents] but I was fine. As the years have gone by I am no longer fine. Most of my friends are married and many have multiple children. (Just side note: shidduchim have been unsuccessful not because of my childhood trauma or porn and masterbation it is more the intersection of my background and personality that creates issues [well some of the personality probably is an outgrowth of the trauma but I am a decently well adjusted human being.] I have spoken at length with rebbiem and friends about the dating issue [and they aren’t like dude you need help]. If you would like to hear more about my dating, hopefully the book will come out when it's over.)
The loneliness has started to really get to me. I talk to people, learn, work, yet I am missing having a family [something I have never had]. As the years have passed and the loneliness has built up, I have started to really give up on getting married. Being lonely and nowhere to turn I have resorted back to old habits and restarted the defense mechanisms of using pron and masterbation to cope. I have stopped caring and fighting to resist watching porn and masterbating. When I am lonely and down they are still my safe place [and still work].
Well recently it has gotten even worse. The porn and masterbation are just not enough. I want more. [It has not helped that I have entered the “real world and been exposed to the things that occur there.] I have started to fantasize and plan ways to get more including begining to act on it [more means like actual sex or just not being shomer with a real girl.] I have started to explore different ways of getting to this goal. I have started chatting and speaking with women through various means [sorry for being vague it's intentional]. It is embarrassing to admit but I have gone so far to exchange explicit pictures with a lady I met online. Doing this has made me realize that having sex is very attainable and I am not sure I want to stop. I know it is “wrong” and will hurt my future [like if I ever found someone to marry]. I feel like this is a big boundary to break and that if I will break this boundary I am not sure where I will stop. Up until now there has never really been a person on the other side to bear witness and be involved. I am not sure if I will really remain frum if I continue down this path.
As I have started down this path it is almost yom kippur and the seriousness of what I am doing has started to hit me. There is a part of me that would like to continue, it is fun and it feels good, but I know at the end of the day this is not who I want to be. I value my relationship with Hashem. Right now I am in pain and it is hard to remember what is really important.
Porn and masterbation have never really negatively impacted my life. Yes, I have wasted time and have neglected things because of porn and mastrebation, but I have been able to keep myself in check. I know it is “wrong” [an avaira] yand would rather not do it, but to be honest I have stopped feeling guilty. Even the new found behavior hasn’t really caused me guilt. So why am I writing this? Why am I looking to stop and give up the one “good” thing in my life? Well it is almost yom kippur and I decided I need to change. [Yearly yom kippur ritual tells me I'm going to do better in this area with various degrees of success.] Well this year just promising myself I won't continue watching porn and masterbating is not going to work, especially with my new found coping mechanism. I feel the only way to ultimately anchor myself is that I need to get married [yes I know it's risky with a porn and masterbation addiction, but that is a long conversation]. Until then I need a way to hold myself accountable so here I am telling my story. Hopefully using this site will help me be accountable to myself and motivate myself to overcome my challenges. Writing this confession of sorts is my way of trying to not give up. To tell my story and show Hashem I am still trying, despite everything I am still here fighting.
Thank you for reading. I am really humbled that you took your time to read my story [if you just skipped to the end I don’t blame you it is kind of long.] There is more to my story and plenty got left out [some to preserve my anonymity (sorry a little guarded, daddy taught me well). If you have any questions or comments please feel free to reply and I will try to respond. Have a gmar chasima tova and a gut gebentsht yor. May we break free from our urges and our tefillos be answered this yom kippur.
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