Could be. I’m don’t think it’s likely though. 


on the upside he is hopefully filtering my mothers phone, so that will remove one challenge.

Big struggle right now. Will update in the morning

Bh stayed clean. Will write more maybe on motzei, but it’s crazy hectic. 
Shabbos will probably be hard, but I will do my best. Have an uplifting shabbos!!!

strugglingWithMyself wrote on 05 Nov 2021 00:29:

Amazing that you pulled through! Keep it up!

Luckily shabbos was ok. 
also I thought of a pshat in תהלים נא (from דוד right after the sin with בת-שבע)that I thought was very powerful.


כִּי־פְשָׁעַי אֲנִי אֵדָע וְחַטָּאתִי נֶגְדִּי תָמִיד
My sins I know  and my sins are before me constantly.
What is this greatest sin? When you have it before you “תמיד” - the biggest aim is to remove the sin from you constantly - 
make it into something which comes sometimes, rather than a constant battle - because that is when they are called sins.

ולְךָ לְבַדְּךָ חָטָאתִי וְהָרַע בְּעֵינֶיךָ עָשִׂיתִי לְמַעַן תִּצְדַּק בְּדׇבְרֶךָ תִּזְכֶּה בְשׇׁפְטֶךָ׃
We are sinning to only you and have done evil to you, so you are right in your judgement and just in your ruling. 
we think sometimes that the aveiros we do are bad because “they waste time” or “they will ruin my marriage” and avada that’s true. But the reason not to do it is because of HaShem. (Although it is probably best to not focus on that because then your fight will be harder when your emunah struggles - rather you should view the fight from all angles, if this is what will help stop it the best)

זהֵן־בְּעָווֹן חוֹלָלְתִּי וּבְחֵטְא יֶחֱמַתְנִי אִמִּי׃
for in sin we are bitn and in sin we were conceived
becaise of our minds, and the way we “constantly think” about this aveira - our very birth is in a way an aveira - for even when it’s ostensibly ’kosher’ our view of it is not.

Had an extremely hard motzei. My father put a second filter on which slows down my phone (and doesn't add any protection) so I was very annoyed about that. And I was very stressed for a bunch of reasons. And I had a huge urge to masturbate. And although I read some stuff which was a little bit triggering, and even started to masturbate I stopped after about three seconds, and just tossed and turned for a few hours. 
A problem with the new filter is that I cannot access  GYE  on my phone and this is very annoying. But I will continue!
struggling

strugglingWithMyself wrote on 07 Nov 2021 17:04:

It seems like your father is very much on the same page as you. He is concerned about your acting out, and wants to help. However, he isn't aware of what you're really going through, so he's hurting things instead of helping. I imagine it's a conversation that's very difficult for you to have with him, but ultimately he has your best interest in mind. Is there someone you can speak to, perhaps your Rebbe, who can speak to your father, so that he can do what is helpful for you and not make things worse? 

There is a GYE app which may now still work from your phone

Keep shteiging!

Aaaah. On an unfiltered device (for school cant not use).
Almost fell.
But stopped before properly.
Even with others in the room.
Staying on GYE, until im finished the lesson

Didn't fall properly. But almost did multiple times. Will not use that computer again. BH this teacher is out of isolation, so I don't need it, and if I have another chance I won't.
But ready for another day!

You are a hero!

I'm giving myself a last chance. I was downloading some stuff to read and downloaded something inappropriate. If I do anything borderline for the next week I'm calling it a fall, but for now, I am leaving it. Other than that had an ok day, but lost a job because of a misunderstanding with a client. But I don't think that will make a difference.

An advantage of a job I have (early in the morning) meaning  I have to go to sleep early, and there is very little chance for me to masturbate at night

I fell. 
I was lying in bed
Couldn't sleep
Stressed about getting to sleep
stressed about school
thoughts of the book I had downloaded and half-read
And started to masturbate. 
Stopped, 
Started again
Stopped
Repeat
Finally gave up
Fell once more when I woke up three hours later
Not feeling amazing about it
But most of all I am upset that I don't feel bad
And I don't know why
Is it because I know it was only a ditch in the mountain?
and I got 10 days - what an accomplishment?
Or is it because I don't care so much
But if I don't care why am I posting
But if I care, why don't I feel bad...

Any help?
Advice?
Please?

We all know that the feelings after a fall are very painful. Many people would not even come to admit it so fast as you did, so you're on the right track. 

I'll give you a word of chizuk, I hope it will be helpful. Rabbi Tzadok Hacohen of Lublin, Tzidkas Hatzadik 49: “Everyone must know that in that area in which the yetzer hara pulls him the most, he is a most fitting receptacle to become pure and innocent in that area specifically.” In Sefer Zos Brisi p. 56 he elaborates “If it seems that you are struggling in this area more than others, then take comfort in the fact that you have the potential to surpass your peers in climbing the ladder of holiness and purity in these matters. Continue your struggle, daven for siyata dishmaya, and ultimately you will rise to a level of kedushah and taharah that you never dreamed attainable.”

Please never give up on yourself. You're never alone no matter how alone you may feel.
Reach out to Hashem. He really does want to hear from you. He is eagerly anticipating the next prayer you say. He wants to hear from you so badly. He's is waiting for you to return to Him and start learning his Holy Torah once again.
From one addict to another, you're never alone. There is hope. Anything else is a lie. Good luck on your journey!

Keep falling. Again and again. And again. I see many people talk about the thoughts that "I fell already" and all these things.
I don't feel that
I just fall
I don't hear the voices - it's just me
Is this normal?
Or does everyone have a tiny voice in their head - and I am just me?

@DavidT, a few questions:

1. What does it mean to surpass my peers in this area?
2. What is the way to reach out to Hashem? How can I talk to him?
3. I see a lot of talk around of what an 'addict' is. Is this me? How would I know?