anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 28 Oct 2021 16:16:

anger is painful yes i also suffer on anger on my molester very hard

i woke up yesterday and the first think that popped out of my mouth was i want to chop off the head of ..........

I had a very hard time this week. I got sick as a result of doing something for my kids, even while most of them don't care to see me and my ex wife prevents me from seeing them.

My therapist keeps asking me what I want to do with my life. The only things I really want is to do well in SA and be happy with Hashem, and be there for my kids to the extent that I can. I told him my spiritual bags are packed otherwise, that's exactly what I think.

I don't see any hope other than sanity. I do not wish for simcha because I don't want to be happy when I can't help raise my kids.

How's that for therapeutic resistance.

At the same time when I read the Big Book I see lots of promise of actual happiness if I take it seriously. "Expect Miracles."

I have to try to surrender self-pity.

My mood just dropped by what feels like an order of magnitude in like 10 minutes. I think it's the lust making me depressed to the point of being afraid I'll kill myself so that I'll try to get turned on.

On that hypothesis I said "Hashem, I surrender the depression" and I felt a bit better afterwards.

I sent a text to my sponsor but it's late.

I decided to try learning gemara even though I'm sick, and my mood went from severely depressed to ... basically happy. I'm just blown away by the mood change.

Wow, you just made my day! I'm going through depression, addiction and more. I never thought i could get happy even if i would stop porn...
Stay strong and sober

ARF wrote on 31 Oct 2021 10:53:

Amen. Everyone is unique though.

While I'm heartbroken that I cannot take care of my kids, I'm starting to think that my Higher Power brought me to this point, taking away from me everything that lifts my mood while guiding me in a miracuolous way to learn gemara properly, in order to wean me off the need to serve my kids and get me accustomed to pride myself and delight in learning gemara.

I won't make history learning gemara, but the attitude itself is worth something spiritually speaking.

I'm getting an inkling of why it was necessary and what it was like for the Jews to become slaves in mitzraim. We know they had a yeshiva there from the very beginning.

I think the reason why the only way the 12-step program can work is by constantly talking about God is because that ephemeral pleasure that accompanies lust, anger, self-pity, resentment, arrogance, judgement, etc. is the idea that I am God myself. The addiction is the ability to think that in the back of my head and to suspend disbelief. So the only thing stronger than an idol is God himself.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 02 Nov 2021 12:26:

This is the core of the 12-Step program, bringing Hashem into our lives. And when we do that, He helps even the lowest of the low, and He does for us what we can’t do ourselves. As it says: אני ה' השוכן אתם בתוך טומאתם…

I'm doing the surrendering, but it only works because my Higher Power is there to surrender too, obviously. It's *me* choosing not to lust, but the reason I want to choose that is because the fellowship makes the sober life worthwhile. So I stop resisting.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 02 Nov 2021 12:26:

Rabbi Twerski often writes a story about an atheist addict who could not bring himself to join AA. After a couple of years in AA he related that he still doesn't believe in G-d but at least he knows now that he isn't G-D.   

Right. I wonder how Hashem viewed that guy.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 02 Nov 2021 18:46:

Im sure he views him the same way he does the everyone else. Lovingly. 

Shmuel wrote on 02 Nov 2021 21:44:

Yes but there's tough love too.

It says it in the chumash that if we say that Hashem hates us then He will, that's why we have tisha b'av. There's an interaction there. His attitude depends on ours.

So I was wondering if He related to the alkie differently because the alkie didn't believe God existed. It's just a kashia