Hello. Depression and addiction to masturbation. I got divorced and I can't even see my kids because I have been a basket case, my ex wife does not trust me with my kids. Recently I had to call a crisis hotline and then went to an ER to make sure I would not end my life. That day I decided that I must change and signed up for sexaholics anonymous. I have been dealing with this for decades and I am satisfied that SA is necessary for someone with my particular problems.

I hope to receive and give some love and support here, and make some friends.

After a lifetime building, I lost everything, but I also found everything I needed, to be honest.

Welcome! You have taken some great steps toward recovery

when you are in a place if 'bottom rock' it's the place where you start building your foundation!

I feel your pain. it is not easy! 

Hatzloocha!
yoinala

The fact that you came onto this website and signed up for SA to look for help during such a hard time of your life is such an inspiration and shows that you really are on the track to bouncing back better.
I can't imagine the pain you are growing through. Bezras Hashem this pain should just make the eventual joy that will come into your life even that much sweeter. 
Bli neder I will keep you in my tefilos. We are all in this together.  

I made a point of calling my sponsor each day this week. First week. Doing the (SA) program is real work but I feel like I finally have a second chance at life. Posting on a forum doesn't begin to describe it.

The White Book says that the sexaholic is not free to stop. I always thought this clashed with Judaism because we are supposed to have free will. It is clear to me today - for myself - that the resolution to this kasha is that I have free will to pass on doing an averah in this area, but what the book means here is "he's not free to stop for good." Because if I follow the rabbit hole of all the most advanced techniques that there are to control my actions I will conclude that I no longer want life (I tried it) because deep down I think that God is manipulative, controlling and very powerful.

This attitude towards God, "perceived narcissism", is what makes me frum and also what makes me a sinner, because I do mitzvos to save myself from God instead of feeling loved and blessed that God enforces mitzvos to benefit me. And it's a hidden belief because I'm supposed to believe that God loves me.

And I have a tremendous incentive to maintain this view of God because it allows me to masturbate, which means everything to me.

Wheres when I do the SA program I put the lie to this attitude because I see other people who are just as bad as me with a different attitude, I model the new attitude for them when they ask me for help, and I study the new attitude in books.

And it will never go away because there is no way to prove how God really is, and my cognition is limited, I have difficulty internalizing why my grandfather being gassed in Auschwitz was an act of love.

And that's that...

I am freaking out because my Rabbi is thinking about putting my marriage back together and treats me like someone who needs to do tshuva, and doesn't approve of the 12-step program, and doesn't want to say it. I just get these little hints giving me advice for how to be a good boy.

I had found another Rav and the first one insisted that I keep relying on him instead. And now he's killing me.

Wow! Welcome! I am new here as well, I BH did not hit rock bottom, but I decided that enough is enough. It gives me tremendous Chizuk to see others in a similar predicament just trying to put their life back together!
Chazak V'ematz!

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 03 Oct 2021 13:55:

Sadly, manipulative people exist in all spheres. Be strong. 

bego wrote on 04 Oct 2021 16:20:

I just want to say how grateful I am for this comment.

This Rav has manipulated people for years for beneficial purposes, but he's not very sophisticated and he's not qualified in this case. He's struggling because I don't trust him.

I am very close to going off the derech. For now I'm staying committed to the mitzvos because the 12-step program pushes you to put yourself in God's hands. I don't know what will be in the long run. I have lost everything.

I'm getting a therapist because I'm thinking about suicide pretty regularly.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 04 Oct 2021 16:44:

Please do that very soon. Also, it’s a good idea to tell a close friend or someone that you trust to keep an eye out for you. God forbid things can spiral out of control fast…
I have different life challenges than you, but I very much do struggle with this as well, and and it is beyond hell… I have no eitza, just know that I and all of us are here for you.

With love,

 YeshivaGuy 

Wow, I can’t imagine the tough pain your going through. It’s such chizuk for me to see you despite all your struggles and challenges, your here wanting to improve and build a new life for yourself even though your all broken. Your an incredible inspiration! Stay strong! Good days are coming! 

Hi. Your story is really powerful. Having the courage to put your life together takes a lot. I think you must really believe in yourself(as you should!) to take such bold steps. You're going to be successful G-d willing. Someone like you that can fight like this is going to come out on top. You said in a previous post that we can't know if G-d is good. The Holocaust is definitely a question that we just can't answer. But I think despite that, we can know that G-d is good with total clarity. Just one kindness that he does for us proves that. He could have created us in a world with no beauty or good whatsoever. Yet we find so much amazing things around us, even with all of the suffering and challenges. This is about all I know regarding this topic, but I think it's totally true. When you know that G-d is good, it makes things so much easier to bear. I'm not trying to be preachy, sorry if it's coming across that way, especially in light of the terrible pain you are going through. Hatzlacha, and keep on posting!

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 05 Oct 2021 01:06:

I understand rationally that that is correct. But changing a self-defeating belief is hard enough when it's about a human being, who you can talk to, it's all the harder with someone who runs your life but that you cannot see. That's why it's a mental illness, I guess.

Really appreciate your encouragement and compassion.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 05 Oct 2021 01:06:

Regarding the Holocaust, my answer is that we were supposed to spend so many years in galus, and because some of us were determined to go back to eretz israel, then Hashem had to let us have all the remaining suffering all at once.

I also think that even if to us it may be horrible, but to Hashem if a 5-year-old pure sweet Jewish boy with a yarmulke etc is gassed and burned for being a Jew this is like honey to Him, because He savors the tremendous thoughts of devotion to Hashem in the boys' head.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't see any other way that the world can make sense otherwise.