Trouble wrote on 22 Oct 2021 17:36:

It's the pleasure. It's not because it's sex, it's because of the idea we associate with it. It's out of this world. Very similar to the forbidden pleasure of isha yifas tohar. But hard to define and communicate to others, because we all dress it up differently. And the fact that we didn't understand what we were really doing in the first place meant we didn't stand a chance.

Today I was reading about the penalty for not respecting your teacher, and such like. For a while I felt rage while reading it so I surrendered it, and I felf better.

Afterwards it occurred to me that all these really mean-sounding penalty ideas (hot excrement ..) at the end of the day are for a higher purpose, basically that Hashem should have some connection to this world, and that everybody's life is really a big mess in the end, even Moshe Rabbeinu's life with the well, even Hashem loses out because He can't be here, and that, as the gemara says, we have to make the best of it. And if I got banished and lost my wife and kids because I looked down on my rabbi maybe that's okay, that's my role, or one of my roles, and I have had a lot. The true achievement is to finally surrender and let Hashem drive the car, especially when the result is that I don't make it.

It's happened to a lot better people than me.

Today I was reading some SA literature and it occurred to me that the reason why step 3 ("We made a decision to turn our will ...") was feeling too hard to do is because I hadn't really nailed down step 2 yet, "we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." So I decided to focus on that again.

I think it's an important step because you have to decide what that external power is, what it's capable of, how likely it is to help you, and what sanity means.

I decided that for me sanity means staying sexually sober, free of depression, anxiety, rage, and fear. And that the power involved is the stuff I don't control, namely the SA fellowship and the true God. I think my supervisor at work could be added to the list. Also my state government, and the federal government. All good for sanity.

Of those, the difficult one to find is the true God, because I superimpose on Him the way I need Him to be (narcissistic, manipulative, vindictive, mean ...) to have a justification to lust. I can try to do a step two inventory about that as per SA literature, but I fear that only action will produce a new belief there, and that will take time.

I always dread the moment when I need to call someone, and after I get done I'm usually content and relaxed.

What a gift.

I have been reading the Big Book of AA, and it's just worth its weight in gold. The way addicts, especially AA founding members, describe the disease and the program goes a long way towards giving an interpretation of the steps that just clicks.

I especially enjoyed "The Vicious Cycle", a story by an early AA member who really struggled to make God part of his recovery.

I read a headline about some woman earlier which described something that was a trigger. I tried to surrender it but it wasn't working. I wanted to pray for her but I didn't know what she looked like. So finally I clicked on the story and I saw the picture, and the picture caused me less of an urge than my imagination was causing me, and I prayed my heart for her, but it's still eating away at me.

I'm supposed to call my sponsor today. It's early and I don't want to bother him so early but maybe I'll send him a text. I have also have a meeting early pm.

After I call my sponsor I feel like I imagine healthy people feeling. I can really take a deep breath.

I finally figured out what "connected" means to me. That word is all over the SA literature. To me it means interacting with people who know who I really am, and knowing they're no better than me.

Connection makes all the difference in the world as to whether I want my addiction or not. It's the concept of therapeutic resistance. I resist when I'm not connected. I can have all the best individual tools, but if deep down I'm not convinced that I'm better off healthy, I won't use them, and usually it will be subconscious, just like therapeutic resistance is.

I got a copy of the Big Book and 12&12 in the mail. So excited.

I have been reading Step 2 in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, over and over again.

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Sanity is a very important concept here. Sanity is a very deliberate choice of word. To me it means getting out of bed in the morning, davening in a regular place, having a regular shiur, eating a normal amount, gratitude, freedom from depression and anxiety, and really knowing that Hashem wants the best for me. Not success, just sanity.

As far as restoring, it's actually team work. The external Power restores me to sanity in so far as I take actions which are predicated on it. It's my actions that do the heavy lifting of restoring, but the actions would be baseless without the external Power, in that sense the Power is also restoring.

It's also undeniably true that because the Power happens to run the world (unlike me,) it's likely to respond in kind, and I think when this starts taking place is where 12-steppers really start talking about God.

It's a relationship, and I can "change" the Power's behavior by changing mine first.

i loved your thoughts 

in my opinion sanity is "i would feel peace with my self, peace with the world, peace with my creator, peace with what kind of kids i have, peace with my economic state, peace with my state of the time I'm getting out of bed in the morning, peace with my davening according to hashems plans some times it means davining in a hospital or other place but im doing what hashem wants, peace about my shiur even if it means being for my wife and not going to my shiur, peace with my eating and if it means matzo then its matzo if its in a succah then in a succah, feeling gratitude, accepting that Hashem did send me the depression and as long as I'm doing my part then it will be the best and its nothing wrong if it includes times of depression and anxiety, and really knowing that Hashem wants the best for me. Not success, just sanity.

I'm furious at my ex. It's my addiction that wants to get me to act out. I called like 5 sexaholics but nobody picks up the phone. I could use a listening ear.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 28 Oct 2021 16:16:

You can try venting it all out here, just don't break your keyboard...

wilnevergiveup wrote on 28 Oct 2021 16:36:

I'm starting to feel better, thanks to the fact that I'm working.

Even realizing that it's my addict agenda at play and taking the action of asking for help or dialing a phone number helps one focus on the real problem, which is that I want to fight so I have an excuse to act out. The real problem is not the relationship.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 28 Oct 2021 16:41:

Awesome!