I think I finally internalized the idea that just as we bless Hashem for the bad we must we bless Him for the good. Because we really don't know the difference. And when I bless my Higher Power for the bad I am taking action which puts the lie to my usual behavior, which is to fear His punishment or tests. And I know that Hashem relates to me like I choose to relate to Him. So eventually He will bless me for my transgressions, or at least I will believe that He does. And that perception of Hashem is the perception of a healthy, non addicted person.

I can honestly take the actions of love and say "thank you for making me an addict and giving me children and then taking them all away."

I think the key is not thinking that you don't understand why something terrible is good. but being serene because you think it's from Him.

This can probably describe anyone who can find their way to this post https://news.yahoo.com/functional-alcoholic-heres-happened-behind-130002598.html

Lol my yetzer ha-ra isn't the problem. My problem is my messed up yetzer tov. The more I listen to it, the sooner I need a meeting.

My computer broke, I think because I used p. a week and a half ago. Hashem and I have had this special bris for many years.

I said "thank You for breaking my computer" to take the actions of love, put the lie to the idea that He did out of revenge.

Kind of liberating actually.

Severe depression today. Was thinking about buying some of those drugs over the internet. But if I kill myself I'll still have to deal with Him afterwards.

Basically I'm in this box of pain until the next phone call, the next therapist appointment, the next meeting.

Hey at least it's not chronic pain. Baruch Hashem I'm in good health.

Maybe I'll look up some AA meetings that are within my reach. A little weird, but if they get to know me they should be okay with it.

i feel for you, we are in this together.

i also hade huge depression this week.

i take non addictive meds to help me, it was hard for me to start taking it but it helps a lot deal with the depression, withdrawal is like having an open heart surgery so i need to get the meds.

i ask Hashem please make us all feel good while being sober.

please keep sharing let the pain flow out of the keyboard rather then from acting out.

this is what I'm doing in times of pain, i close the lights, turn on slow heart warming music, light a scented candle and start typing on the keyboard writing my feelings, that i send to another fellow.

I have been trying to get my computer back to work for hours now with tech support and thanking Hashem under my breath for causing the problem, which based on previous experience is because of the p. I did a week and a half ago.

It's actually making me feel kind of comforted that Hashem is disciplining me for doing p., because I think it means that Hashem cares about being on the derech.

I cannot wait to have a car so I can drive to meetings whenever I want. It's like night and day.

• Thank You for the pain
• Thank You for the depression
• Thank You for waking myself up every night rediscovering that I have lost my kids
• Thank You for the roof over my head
• Thank You for a great job
• Thank You for never being able to see my kids
• Thank You for my acquantainces pitying me
• Thank You for keeping busy with work
• Thank You for fun movies on Amazon Prime
• Thank You for teaching me how to learn so I can learn
• Thank You for the weather
• Thank You for quiet
• Thank You for feeling lonely
• Thank You for taking away what was dearest to me
• Thank You that she can be happy now
• Thank You for olam ha-ba

Only If someone looses the courage he lost everything.

It is obvious that you did not loose your courage because you joined GYE
So you did not lose anything. 

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 08 Oct 2021 15:47:

I always wondered why He and I never had that arrangement.
Never once had an STD after an escort.
My car was never stolen outside a sex shop or club.
Computer and phone basically work.
I have gotten "caught" several times, but that seems to be the law of averages.
Perhaps I'd be better if this "bris" was "kerusah" with me; perhaps not.
Consider yourself lucky; He's watching you closely, I guess.​

Trouble wrote on 11 Oct 2021 13:37:

I'm in a very small box at this moment in my life. For the aforementioned reasons I can't act out with p. but I need it because my memories and fantasies no longer work - impotence. I'm lucky I am able to go to SA meetings.

I have started reading the big book of AA. Bill W.'s story is really compelling. It floors me how the disease is so predictable, I can recognize myself in someone from another time and age and with a different drug.

That should convince anybody that one day a coherent theory of addiction will be written down and become accepted by all, like Newton's gravity gave a coherent explanation for the motion of the planets and how bodies fall on Earth.

I was pretty happy to be in SA but now I'm working through my step 1 inventory and I am getting some lukewarm feedback from my sponsor. It doesn't help that a lot of other people don't like the 12-step program.

I just hope they don't throw me out for insufficient addiction or something. I don't trust my rabbi and being all alone I really feel the need to be part of something. For the first time in my life, I might add.

Also, not being able to see my kids is eating away at me. Last night I asked Hashem to take care of them, since I can't do it.

Today I read the story of Dr Bob's in the AA big book and that felt good. Totally familiar.

I'm starting to wonder whether the true meaning of what I'm going through is that I have to realize that death is the best outcome, and then it will come. Like Rav Yochanan after he killed Reish Lakish. He thought he did all the right things, but in the end the best outcome was death, he lost his mind and they davened for him to die and it worked.

I have excellent skills against depression but I'm afraid to use them. I'll talk to my therapist later this week.

Intellectually I think that this is my addiction working on my subconscious so I finally get aroused.

I've been sober for 3 weeks, and saying the serenity prayer helps me when I think that people might come and get me when I'm home alone.

I keep screwing up and thinking that the root cause of my addiction is that I think God hates me. But that's not the root cause today. That's just the reason why I *wanted* to develop an addiction way back when. The root cause of the addiction *today* is that that feeling is ***wonderful*** to me and my self-defeating attitudes are just things that I keep up in order to have a reason to act out. Very important difference.

I can actually see myself demanding that someone bow down before me and worship me, that's what I *really* want.

Nuts ...