You are mamash a tzadik; Yosef Hatzadik, finest of GYE.
Stay strong, dear friend.
IMG

In GYE speak, I fell.

I have been working on my step 2 and I don't think that the God of my understanding wants to restore my sanity.

The God of my understanding has thrown the book at me because He has to settle a score.

I don't think I could have accepted this without the 12-step program though, which showed me what real submission is like.

Hang in there tzaddik. you are inspiring many guys here. It may be tough, but it is not impossible.

This is crazy. I wrote this in my step 1 six weeks ago, and it happened again. After I masturbated my impression of God wanting to settle a score with me is gone.

I'm batsh*t insane.

I made up the impression to give myself permission to act out.

This is going to keep on happening. I need to stay in the program because off the program I want to die.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 08 Nov 2021 16:02:


You remind me of what Rabbi Avraham Twerski Z"L said,
"why is it that some “frum” people, even if they were well-versed in Torah and mussar fell into the trap of addiction and recovered with the 12-step program, whereas mussar did not help them? I think the answer is simple. A person who is sincere in recovery leaves a 12-step meeting with the knowledge and feeling, “If I deviate from this program, I will die.” In our davening we say, “ki heim chayenu” that Torah and mitzvos are our very life, but while we say this, I doubt that many people actually feel, “If I deviate from mussar, I will die.”

We're with you... keep strong!

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 08 Nov 2021 16:02:

Sorry to hear. Personally, and my thoughts may make no difference to you whatsoever, and that's completely fine by me as well, I think that you are taking this God stuff way too personal. While it's good to have a Higher Power and a close connection (which I do not have), the thought that He is intimately involved in your steps and in your masturbation and in your thoughts and retribution and reward, etc. is somewhat beyond the pale. Yes, there is hashgachah pratis, but He simply wants you to lead a good life, and if you are so inclined, go for it, but I wouldn't be micro-analyzing every moment of your life based upon your stroking or porn watching. Give it a year or two, then decide. But then again, don't listen to me; I'm just Trouble.

Before I acted out I was thinking that I wanted to lust all day, my sponsor never called me back as he said he would, but I caught a meeting and also had a 45-minute conversatiom with another SA guy afterwards, and I concluded that SA couldn't help me because after all that I still had the feeling of God wanting to settle a score.

But I was happy for six weeks straight. I think I need to accept the fact that this will be a struggle and get back up. I may turn out to be a pathetic 12 stepper, but it's better than suicide.

I went to a meeting. I feel like now that I lost my sobriety and went to a meeting and shared I have finally joined SA for real.

Hey how’ve you been?