I fell today.  First time I looked at porn in more than 3.5 years.  A few months ago I had a fall after more than 1100 days.  I got back up again and fell today after 80 days.  It's obvious, that what I'm doing is not not going to work long term anymore.  I need to figure out what to do now.  It's tough as I'm feeling very discouraged now.  I hope I wont be one of those people that has had a long streak and then goes back to the cycle of falling. If I'm being honest with myself, I should and need to call someone real and talk this through.  I've always hid behind the anonymous forum.  But speaking to someone real is a completely different level.  I can't be scared anymore.  I need to make that call. 

Thank for your response.  I think I part of the issue was I got too complacent.  Its been a few years since I been active on GYE on a regular basis.  Besides just "avoiding" the bad stuff, I need to also actively work on my ruchnius and relationship with Hashem.  Life is so busy, that I feel that davening, learning, avodas Hashem has become routine.  I feel that I'm just going through the motion.  I recognize that I need to find deeper connection to Hashem. 

You’re really a true mevakesh Hashem.
You should definitely make the call. I as well have been avoiding it, and gotta get back on the phone…

Remember that nothing is inevitable.
You’re not doomed to repeat the mistakes of others. You hold all the cards and with the right decisions and siyata dishmaya you’ll be matzliach:
Would be worthwhile perhaps to get deeper into what’s going on in your internal world leading you back to porn.

Again, you are a tremendous inspiration to myself and everyone. Have a wonderful Shabbos and keep in touch.

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 27 May 2022 22:34:

Thanks YG for your words of encouragement.  I have been following your journey as well and wish you much success to getting to a place of Menuchas Hanefesh and clarity. 

Regarding your comment above, is it possible that it was just simply letting my guard down and giving in to temptation?  I feel that a big part of what led to this fall was just trying to "stay away from the bad".  I feel that my connection to Hashem was getting stale and I was just going through the motion.  I need to work on investing a few additional minutes each day on this. 

I totally resonate with becoming complacent and lacking motivation. Sometimes you just need a good shiur to keep you focused and motivated to connect to Hashem, here's a fantastic one:

www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/920830/rabbi-moshe-weinberger/chaburah-yosef-hatzadik-68-amalek-survival-101-yiddishkeit-on-fire/

Well, after pushing it off and procrastinating, I finally made that call.  Definitely terrifying.  I know that sounds silly.  But it is the first time I spoke about it with someone since I've gotten married more than 10 years ago.  I'm optimistic about where my journey is going.  Have a wonderful Yom Tov.  

Awesome that you made the move!! Hopefully others should get inspired by you and also reach out to talk to someone for help...

Dave M wrote on 03 Jun 2022 15:54:

How are things since?

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 09 Jun 2022 04:35:

Thanks for asking.  B'H things have been going well.  I have daily check ins with my accountability partner.  But generally the first few weeks after a bad fall, the disgust and anguish propels me to stay clean and generally the urges aren't too bad.  There will be moments that it will be hard and I prayed to G-D that he should give me the strength to withstand the tests.  

Dave M wrote on 31 May 2022 14:01:

Yes totally agree. Just felt someone had to mention it to be yotzei zein

Dave M wrote on 03 Jun 2022 15:54:

Wow I am so so impressed.

This morning, when I went to fill up at a gas station, there was a woman in front of me who was not dressed modest at all.  B'H I looked away and stayed focus the whole time until I finished and drove away.  

On an intellectual level, I know this was a big victory and everyone is "dancing" in shemayim.  But in reality, when I win these daily battles, I don't feel special at all.  I think this is one of the big reasons why shmiras einayim is so hard.  Most of the times, I win, but I forget the victories a few minutes later.  But the occasional slip/fall,  stick with me much longer.   I just wished there was a way to concretize the victories to elevate them to help keep the positive momentum lasting longer. 

Very good point. It is true by me, and I am sure by most others. We focus on the fails a lot more. I think the reason is since we identify with the falls, therefore they stick with us. But the successes are things that we just happen to do.
What has worked for me is to say even though when I started, I was falling daily, but "I am not someone who does this type of thing". So one day of failure is not so significant. Do not consider yourself a failure, and do not get depressed by it. And this gets easier once you can look at your cumulative days and realize that in the past 30 days you only fell 10 times and were clean 20 (or even better).
It seems that you believe that the victory of success happens in shamayim. It happens here. You are a better person. The falls do not have to affect you, and if you are able to ignore it, say that this fall is not who you are, then in shamayim it will be forgotten. (Teshuva will either make aveiros forgotten or make them into zechuyos.)

Dave M wrote on 15 Jun 2022 12:55:

Great post. Recognize these moments.  Identify them when they happen and try to write them down. You can post here or send a message. Either way it should help.  

Dave M wrote on 15 Jun 2022 12:55:

I'm copying here something I wrote this week

I heard this story,

The Bais Aharen from Karlin said, why am I more than my friends, because when I go on the street and I come home B’shalom I give a l’chaim

Meaning most of us recognized and appreciate big steps, but just going on the street once, and you didn’t look etc. going on the internet and I didn’t look for... we don’t celebrate that. And he said what made him into who he was, that he celebrated even one victory in watching his eyes

There is a lot of depth to this story