Hello,

I am trying to elevate my level of shemiras anayim.  B'H, I do not go on inappropriate website, as that is a red-line for me.  I have installed one of the jewish filters on my home computer.  However, at work, I find myself periodically looking at things I should not be looking at.  Sometimes this leads to MZ"L.  About a year ago I joined this wonderful organization, GYE.  Through reading the articles on GYE and getting the chizuk emails, I've made a lot of progress in this area to the point that I can go multiple weeks without "acting out".  However, usually after a few weeks I will have a fall.  What prompted me to post today was that recently I had a pretty bad "fall" which devastated me.  It showed that I am unable to beat this challenge myself.  I am hoping by interacting with the fellow members, I can pick myself back up and "stay up".

Sorry to hear about the fall, but if it is the catalyst to "get to work", maybe it was a brocho in disguise. You mentioned you wish to interact with the chevra. Go for it! The chizuk, advice, etc are invaluable. Hatzlocha! 

Going through the handbook, one thing that really resonated with me was the concept of "hitting rock bottom, while on top".  As you mentioned, having a fall can jolt one to wake up and make changes.  Some of the changes I have made in the past have included putting a strong Jewish filter on my home computer or even resisting the pressure to get a smartphone.  (I'm like one of three ppl I know that don't have one ).  Every time I make changes, I go on a nice clean streak of 40-50 days, before falling.  What has me worried from my most recent fall was I'm not sure what fence I could put up to prevent it from happening again.  In the past, I had shared an office space with someone else, which helped act as a deterrence.  Recently, things got shuffled around at work so we each have our own office space.  The first day alone, I had my fall.  I work for a non-Jewish company, so it's not like I can put a filter on my computer.  Any thoughts or ideas? 

Can you arrange your office so that your screen is visible from the door?

A cahver in a similar situation made a geder that he will not close his office door while on the computer unless someone else is in the office. Would that work for you? Otherwise, and I know this may sound extreme, can you install a camera focused on your screen that a good friend can view?

Thanks for the suggestions.  The way my office is situated, it won't work to have my screen be facing the public.  I'll try the the geder of not closing my office door for 2 weeks and see how that works.  

It's been a long time since I posted on my own thread.  After a lot of ups down, I have finally been able to stay clean for awhile.  As I approach 200 clean days, I want to thank Hashem for providing the siyata dishmaya needed to help me in this journey.  One of the biggest takeaways from reading the various posts of veteran GYE members, is the danger of feeling "secure" when in the middle of a long streak.  I recalled reading about members who stayed clean for more than a year before relapsing and falling into the vicious cycle again.  When reading this, I know I can never get to comfortable or overly confident in this battle.

That being said, over the past few days I have had some "slips".  Mostly looking at pictures or watching video clips of women not dressed appropriately.  Thankfully, I have been able to pull back before it gets progressively worse.  But at the same time, red flags are up.  It's a potentially dangerous time for me spiritually now.  I hope by sharing this current struggle with my GYE brothers, I can gain the needed chizuk to weather this storm.  Have a good Shabbos. 

B"H weekend went well.  However, I find that the real struggle is when I'm in the office.  So, in order to add some accountability during this stretch, I'll try to post more often on my journey on the forum.

Dave M wrote on 15 Jul 2019 13:20:

This is why many companies very kindly provide 2 screens. One for work and the other for gye.com to help you stay focused on life!

Perhaps you can have an alternative ready if you feel you want to look at inappropriate images.
Could you take a book to work, a book abut your favourite sport or music etc?
Or even one of those small books with concise tales of Mussar like "Sparks of Mussar" by Chaim Zaitchik etc?

Whenever you have an urge look at that instead.

Yesterday was a little more challenging as I had to work with some co-workers who were not dress so modestly.  Similar to what ColinColin mentioned above, when I find myself in these triggering situation, I spend a few minutes reading the GYE handbook, GYE boost emails, or other source chizuk.  This is crucial for me.  If I continue to let these triggering thoughts linger, it potentially can morph into a full blow lust attack.

I had an interesting past few weeks.  Pretty stressful, as I had a to deal with a lot of things at once.  Nothing terrible, just real life stuff.  With a few exceptions, I was pleasantly surprise with how I dealt with the challenges.  I accepted that these are challenges from Hashem.  SInce I've joined GYE a couple of years ago, I've found that I have a higher awareness of Hashem in my everyday life.  Just reading the daily chizuk emails and reading how other members deal with their struggle have allowed me to appreciate the bigger picture of why we are here.  We are all on a journey.  We may not understand why we have to go what we go through, but it's a process.  May Hashem continue to give us strength in dealing with our challenges. 

Last couple of days I've had some slip ups.  I need to be honest with myself here.  Although I have been free from viewing explicit contents or MZ"L for many months now, there is definitely room to improve my shmiras einayim.  As I have noted on Onceandforall's thread.  I go to a jewish gym to workout a few days a week.  The members are mostly from the frum crowd, so should be ok, right?  Well, not so fast.  They have TV monitors throughout the gym with various shows/movies playing.  When working out, I find myself being drawn to the movies that are playing.  Often times, my workout ends before the movie does.  So what do I do?  I google the movie to find out what happens and sometime will watch clips from the movies.  Last few days what I saw was definitely not good.  Deep down I know what I'm doing is not helping my battle and potentially can leads to worst.  But going to the gym and working out is such an enjoyable outlet.  I struggled with this quandary for a  few months.  Until I read Onceandforall's thread.  It helps hit home.  I finally decided to put gadarim in place to protect me from this.   This also reminded me of what I read in the GYE handbook (page 12 )  I copied here:

If we are serious about breaking free of lust addiction, we need to try to refrain from watching TV, movies and reading secular magazines and newspapers as much as possible, since all of them are full of promiscuity. Even the most innocent-sounding children's movies today are filled with imagery which can be very triggering for a lust addict and we must therefore try to avoid them as much as we can. Let's talk about movies, for example. Movies are one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a proper healing from lust addiction, because often we find them very hard to give up. They serve as a source of entertainment for millions of people around the world, and they are often a welcome distraction from the difficult realities of life. But movies are filled to the brim with triggers to lust. And even if one is successful to find a movie with absolutely no provocatively dressed women or kissing scenes in them (almost impossible today), will there still not even be any attractive female actors in the movie at all? If we are trying to guard our eyes in the street - and we must be; how can we allow ourselves to stare at attractive women in a movie for about 2 hours straight? As lust addicts, most of us simply cannot look at attractive women - even modestly dressed - and not think or feel any undercurrent of lust. The nature of the addiction has taken this ability away from us. And we must admit this truth to ourselves; as long as we
are lusting - we are still feeding the addiction. Therefore in the GYE community, we know that if we are truly serious about breaking free from the poison of lust, we must let this be our sacrifice for Hashem's glory and give up non-Jewish movies for good. And surely this will be considered a most precious sacrifice in Hashem's eyes, a sacrifice brought on the altar of our hearts!

Please Hashem.  Accept this sacrifice from me and give us the needed siyata dishmaya

Dave M wrote on 25 Jul 2019 13:15:

How about taking with your own I - pad and just ignore the monitors on the walls?
Try being creative

Yesterday I had a slip.  Against my better judgement, I looked at something I should not have....Hopefully just a "stumble" in my journey.  Two steps forward, one step back, two step forward, one step back.......