Birshusi wrote on 09 Apr 2017 16:59:

Have you read the handbook?

HaveI you spoken to anyone?

cordnoy wrote on 09 Apr 2017 17:11:

No and no, unfortunately. I reached out to a friend but we haven't been able to speak yet. I should probably start with the handbook again. I just don't want to get all involved; I know it's stupid but I just don't want to be all busy with this again.

Birshusi wrote on 13 Apr 2017 03:19:

I also wish to have the same, and I think it's a sweet dream
May your dreams come true

Reviving my old thread because, well, yeah, I'm back. Pretty ironic if you look at my last post from a few years ago...

How are you doing?

Just had the worst fall of my life. Went to places and watched things far beyond what I've done in the past. I know exactly what led me to feel like I needed to do it, and I knew all morning that I was going to fall because I just felt like I needed it so badly.

I've been here for years and you'd think I'd know what to do now, but I'm at a total loss. I feel like I've crossed a major red line and having thoughts of teshuva now is fraudulent. Especially because I fell yesterday and the day before, and made a sincere effort to return to a pure place, and then boom, I'm in the trash again. 

Oy Eibishter, it's too hard.

Birshusi wrote on 02 Dec 2021 16:50:

Ouch! You must be in so much pain now...
Let's hope that this was your "rock bottom" and now there is only going up with the help of Hashem. 
Try to use the incredible story of Chanukkah and its message to learn as the Maccabees knew that there were no enemies that could defeat them. As we say in the Chanukah insertion in our Amidah: "YOU delivered the mighty into the hands of the weak, many into the hands of the few, and impure people into the hands of the pure..." And by doing so we will take ourselves out of the PIT of our disease and see the Light and the Miracles of Kislev!"

At least I threw the device I used right into the garbage. It was an old phone that I charged and used. 

Sorry about the toxic waste that's going to leak into the ground...it was an eis la'asos.

Birshusi wrote on 02 Dec 2021 17:51:

and here i thought that you really went far!

but good move; you're a better man than i.

I've come to realize that I want to fall when I feel angry. Sometimes I know I'm angry about something specific, and sometimes when I stop to think about why I am feeling triggered, I realize that there is a deep-seated anger that is underlying it. Usually it's anger towards my wife, and porn is kind of a revenge against her, almost like I'm making her pay for what she did to me by doing something that would hurt her deeply if she knew about it. It's like I'm being unfaithful. It feels like I'm really getting back at her good, like "You're gonna do that to me? Watch what happens now!"

Lately I've been angry at her for several things, none of which really deserve my wrath as they are regular relationship things (I think). If not for filters I would be deep in the mud right now, and I just realized I there might be a way to fall at some point soon...

Has anybody else noticed this pattern of anger triggering them to fall? If yes, what works to stay clean?

Birshusi wrote on 17 Nov 2022 23:14:

Yes. Anger, sadness, anxiety…it all triggers. Sometimes I can recover before the fall, sometimes not. Not yet clear what works. But I hear you. 

Birshusi wrote on 17 Nov 2022 23:14:

Absolutely... You're on the button...
Anger is a very powerful emotion.. it can get you to do crazy things... The anger can be triggered or about any number of things. But what anger is really saying to you is that there was a personal boundary that was crossed... Someone was infringing on what is yours, or what you deserve..

For me, I realized that my low self-esteem makes me want to look to other people to give me validation, approval, attention, respect, acknowledgement, security, etc... and when I don't get that from my wife, I think "How dare she. We're married and she's a bad wife..." So there's anger... and P&M just feels so good in the moment so it's an appealing escape to flood myself with good feels (albeit for fleeting moments).

What has worked for me is recognizing what's going on, catching it, slowing down the process, and stopping in the in tracks.

Birshusi wrote on 17 Nov 2022 23:14:

Sorry it’s taken me so long to come across your thread. 
Yes I 100% relate to the process, for me what helps is finding other ways to deal with the anger which may times is coming from a deep loneliness, so calling a friend, going on a drive for a slurpee, working out, even watching a football game (which I’ve been maikel in allowing myself lately) help.

Would love to help you in any way that I can and will definitely take the time b’ezras Hashem to read through your thread.

YeshivaGuy

Fell. Pushed the envelope to a new low. Thankfully deleted the apps that were the gateway to my falls and I don't have access to restore them.
Scared of the future but glad I closed the loopholes.
As disgusted as I am I can't help but know that I enjoyed it and want to see more.
Uch.

Birshusi wrote on 13 Jun 2023 23:51:

Of course you enjoyed it! So do I. 

Denying that it's intensely pleasurable is untruthful, and won't help at all. No part of recovery requires us to convince ourselves it isn't enjoyable, but rather that that enjoyment isn't what makes us happy or productive etc.

Hang in there!