This post is over a decade in the making. A decade of struggling, falling, disappointing myself, and a whole lot of tumah.
The first time I watched porn was completely by mistake; actually it was more like mis'aseik. Someone in my house had been watching before me, and it was in the relatively early days of the internet when many websites used the Windows Media Player on the computer's desktop as their video platform. I, an innocent eight or nine year old, opened WMP stam, and up popped a video that, although not immediately apparent what it was, was clearly going somewhere. So I watched. And what I saw then remains to be the most explicit, obscene sight I have ever seen. An entire world had been revealed to me, one that I couldn't believe actually existed, but one that was just as intriguing as it was disgusting. I spent the rest of that Friday afternoon in my family's closed-door computer room, googling for more of what I had just viewed. What I ended up finding was eight year old stuff, but pritzus at its worst just the same. 
I don't remember specific incidents after that affair; there must have been something. But a few years later, the iPod Touch came out, and I desperately wanted one, because it was cool new tech and I was a curious kid. My generous parents bought it for me, and of course made sure to remove the Youtube app and Safari. Shkoyach. A couple of sports apps later, and I had easy access to whatever I wanted to see, whenever I wanted to see it. Every night, I'd come home from school, and drown myself in whatever my imagination dreamed up. This went on for over a year, with me feeling worse and worse about myself as time went on, with numerous honest attempts to stop all ending in depressing failure.
[Agav, I always knew that I wouldn't cross certain lines. For some reason which maybe I'd be able to explore with the oilam here, I only allowed myself to see basic porn, but not the worst of the worst, if you chap what I'm saying...]
One night I had enough of myself. I went downstairs to my father who was in the kitchen preparing to go to sleep, and I said to him, "Can we talk?" He chapped right away. We sat down on the couch, and I told him how I'd been using my iPod ever since he bought it for me. Long story short, he was incredibly understanding and supportive, and I felt renewed. He took my iPod at my request, and that was that.
For the iPod, anyway.
We still had computers without filters, which meant that any time I was home when nobody else was in the house, I'd find myself in the same chair, finding more garbage to enjoy, and to suffer from. (I also found books in my house that contained everything I wanted to see, just in writing.) I still remember my Rebbi asking me once how my off-Shabbos was, and how difficult it was for me to just smile and say "Great, boruch Hashem." What a shahkrin.
But that issue would sort of fade, because my parents got a good filter, and I started to become more of a masmid and more attached to my learning in general, which I realize now is a tremendous neis considering all that my eyes have seen and my brain has absorbed.
But it was always there, a problem whenever I was home and alone, the draw to the computer magnetic and suffocating. Slowly it has become more of a constant mindset than a periodic struggle. Whenever I'm home, it's not a shailah of if I'll end up on the computer, but when, for how long, and how bad it will be.
My mind is now dominated by the desire to see an attractive woman, and when one does come close, I feel basically powerless to look away. It is so bad that driving is sometimes dangerous for me, because when you're in a frum neighborhood and there's a minivan coming your way, you can bet that the driver is wearing a sheitel and makeup, and I want to see. And even worse than that, this thirst for lust leads me to violate people's privacy, which besides for being extremely selfish, could land me in jail if I'm caught.
I've thought about all this for a while, and have finally admitted that this cannot be chalked up to normal male behavior, but rather, I have a lust problem, and I guess it could be an addiction. I can't go on living like this, because it messes with my basic functioning, menuchas hanefesh and my ability to shteig. I had planned to join GYE at the beginning of Bein Hazmanim, but I was so busy that I barely had time to sit at the computer. I naively thought that I might be okay. But first yesterday and then today, I caved (fell?), and it's clear that if I don't act now, I might never get this yetzer hora under control.
If you are still reading until this point, I can't thank you enough for getting to know me. I need the oilam here to help me become like you - focused and determined to remain pure in a world of shmutz. I really hope that I'll be here often, feeling the support of other Yidden that are fighting the same battle I am. Because I really want --and need-- to get myself under control.
Yedidcha,
Birshusi

How can i welcome you?
I feel you should welcome me

I have been on gye a little longer than you, but, boy do I have what to learn from you

Wow! What a story.

And what strength you have to have made the irreversible move to join us.
There's no turning back

You'll meet many bachurim racing around here...

Keep on Trucking!!! Ⓜ️

Thanks for the warm hello.
Still trying to find my way around the site, and I know I have to read the handbook ASAP. Any suggestions in terms of what my focus should be?

The handbook is recommended, although I haven't allocated time to it yet...

The GPS in my signature is the place to start

And whatever you do, make sure you follow my Palestinian Mufti Chavrusa (not too close in case he detonates on time, although that is statistically impossible)

KOⓂ️T

Birshusi

Besides for your dad, is there anyone else you feel safe to talk to about this struggle, or perhaps you have already done so recently

If you have a free moment - checkout another top bachur's story here

Hello and welcome! 

I know there's gonna be tonnes of people chucking advice at you but I really suggest that you make a TaPHSiC.... will be on your homepage. Try and listen to the 45min audio which explains how it works!
guardyoureyes.com/tools/taphsic-method

Also def go through the handbook.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome.
אשרי מי שבא לכאן!
ברוב שבח והודאה לקב"ה that brought you here,

(and בעזרת השם you will takkeh get from בלבו to על/אל לבו ! )

markz wrote on 20 Apr 2016 06:06:

In all seriousness (if that's allowed at all), perhaps allocate some time to reading it and the white book. You help too many people not to be familiar with these basic tenants.

Welcome to you young man.
Stick around.

Tons of help available, and you can have a good time as well.

B'hatzlachah

Birshusi wrote on 20 Apr 2016 05:59:


Your focus, in my opinion, should be to figure out how you're going to approach this. The best way to figure that out is to look around, read people's threads, and read the stories in the signatures of Markz and Cordnoy.

When you see someone's approach that makes some sense to you, reach out to them and try to get more insight.

Post about your struggles, and make friends here.

That's about it that I can recommend. Hang around here and you'll find something

Birshusi wrote on 20 Apr 2016 05:59:

welcome. it sounds like you have been always focused on fighting the urge; treating the symptom. 
how about trying to focus on dealing with the cause? 
i put links to some reading material that i found useful for this in my signature. 

Welcome,


I'm not going to give you any advice since you already got plenty.

I can relate to a lot of what you said.

Stick around and get to know some of the oilam here. (was that advice?)

Hatzlacha!

Thanks for all the responses. There's so much to read and learn there's barely time to post, but I'm definitely around...

Welcome B. I can relate to a lot of your story. One thing that we and probably a lot of people have in common is the part about boundaries that we set up for ourselves. At such a low place why do we say I'll look at this and do this but never this? It's an interesting topic to discuss. 
Also, I am amazed at your strength and willpower to approach your father at such a young age and discuss such a sensitive topic. How did that go? Was there any follow up? 

Anyway, look and read around. Find what can work for you and get to it. I was really overwhelmed at first but it got easier when I figured out what I was doing. 
Keep us posted and all the best.

ditto as abd.

and Welcome.