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TOPIC: Hi 2586 Views

Re: Hi 19 Jul 2013 04:50 #212678

  • cordnoy
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keep on truckin' and keep up the good work!
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Re: Hi 19 Jul 2013 06:13 #212688

  • inastruggle
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Keep Fighting wrote:

tocontrolmyself -
I agree with you, I am not happy with my situation. I am in my early 20s, and I really want to get married. I have dated several times, but the girl has always been the one to end it. And I tell myself that this is what's causing my happiness, and this is what is causing me to act out. The last time I was dating, I was very good with this test. I didn't watch anything, I didn't think of anything, I didn't even look at women on the streets. I remember there was one point when I was walking and there was a really attractive woman in front of me, but I looked away, and I thought to myself - I have something going for me right now with the girl I am going out with, and she's 100 times better than this random woman. I don't want to think about this random woman, I have something better. Toward the end of the relationship, I got the sense that she wasn't into it anymore, and she was going to end it soon. That night, I got crushed, and I immediately started acting out. And since then, I went down another bad spiral.
I have read that Rabbi Twersky writes that marriage is not a hospital, and it won't heal the lust. But I really do believe that being single is what's causing me unhappiness. I want to be able to share with someone, care for someone, and I hate being alone. I know it's messed up, but part of my daydreaming is just thinking, what if it would have worked out with her? What if I would have said things differently? What if she just calls me now, months later, and says she wants to give it another shot? I want to let go, but at the same time, I don't want to let go - because as I said, I'm just not happy with the reality.
I will be checking out the website you mentioned. Maybe that will help me.


This isn't to me, but since when do hijackers care about that?
I think that what tocontrolmyself was trying to say is that your dating life and masturbation life have absolutely nothing to do with each other.It's easy to think that it should be one and the same, but for most people here (and i would think everywhere) they really aren't the same thing.
It's a fun thing to do when you're bored, when you're stressed, when you're sad, and also when you're aroused.The root of the problem probably doesn't lie in your single status. The proof would be the fact that this site is made up of mostly married people (i think, but definitely a large number) and many had the problem before marriage and it continued afterwards.
So accepting your environment is important not because you'll get over the last girl who dumped you, but because you'll be able to help the root of the problem which is very likely some form of unhappiness.

(if you already realized this then...too late I suppose)


Keep Fighting wrote:

inastruggle -
There's always room here for hijackers. I welcome it!
And what's the deal with the elephants?

thnx!

The deal with the elephants? It's a long story...literally.

and to understand some parts of it, you may need to read an even longer story
Last Edit: 21 Jul 2013 08:38 by inastruggle.

Re: Hi 19 Jul 2013 21:00 #212735

  • gibbor120
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Keep On Truckin and Keep Up The Good Work.

It was a compound acronym, especially tough .

impressive post. We are all the same in some ways, but also different. Try differnt suggestions and tools and you will start to see what works for you and what doesn't. Don't try to do everything at once.

The elephants are a mashal. If you try not to think about green elephants, the harder you try, the more you think about them. The same goes for not thinking about women. The right approach is to just think about something else. (i mixed up the mashal and used pink elephants - i think they look nicer than the green ones )

Definitely keep posting! and KOT!
Last Edit: 19 Jul 2013 21:01 by gibbor120.

Re: Hi 19 Jul 2013 21:03 #212736

  • gibbor120
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yes, us married guys can testify that marriage doensn't solve it and often makes it worse. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Re: Hi 28 Aug 2013 15:19 #217563

Hi I really need some help
I was recently at a family simcha, and I saw the girl who I went out with. The entire chassuna, I was thinking about her. Last night, I had several dreams of her. It's been we'll over half a year since things have ended, but seeing her last night makes me think about it. Why couldn't it work out?
I'm really scared because I know what usually happens after I think about this. I'm scared I'm going to act out. And I don't want to. I just want to be with her, or better yet, just be happy with someone. But I can't get her off my mind. And I don't want to get her off my mind. I enjoyed having those dreams last night

Please help. I'm going on almost 2 clean weeks right now, and I'm feeling good. But things are really shaken up since last night. Please help.

Re: Hi 28 Aug 2013 15:54 #217566

  • pidaini
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Keep Fighting wrote:
Why couldn't it work out?



I can realy relate to everything you wrote, here is what has helped me

Why....? Not a very helpful question, don't really make a difference, that's the way Hashem wants it, perfect!

keep Fighting wrote:
I'm really scared because I know what usually happens after I think about this. I'm scared I'm going to act out.


Skeptical would tell me, Negative Programming. There is no statistic that this will certainly make you act out. It is our choice right now, %100 up to us.

keep Fighting wrote:
I just want to be with her, or better yet, just be happy with someone.


It's not easy, very simple, but not easy. "Let go, and let Hashem". We have to learn to accept life as Hashem has given it to us and as much as He gives to us, we had plans upon plans upon plans built for us, and it's not the way we thought it would be, we have to let go of them and "surrender" our lives to Hashem as He sees fit. The ultimate result will be pure hapiness with no strings attached.

We're with you brother, you can do this!

One day at a time!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov
Last Edit: 28 Aug 2013 15:59 by pidaini.

Re: Hi 28 Aug 2013 15:59 #217567

I just wanted to add, this girl dumped me at the time. I was looking and hoping for some indication that she wants to give it another shot. There was no such indication, but I would really like to think there's still a chance. I'll get several suggestions from shadchanim, and I am saying no to them (at least 10 suggestion over the past several months) because none of them interest me and excite me as much as she did. I know I'm obsessive, but the way I think about it - how can I ever be a good husband if I know in the back of my mind that my wife is my "second choice". So why even go out with someone else? I won't be the good husband that I should be.

Re: Hi 28 Aug 2013 20:38 #217609

  • gibbor120
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You can stay stuck on her and let life pass you by, or you can accept the shidduch that Hashem has chosen for you (not the one you think he should have chosen) and be a happy and wonderful husband.

I don't mean to be harsh. I'm just trying to snap you out of fantasyland and bring you back to reality.

Love,

gibbor

Re: Hi 29 Aug 2013 16:05 #217736

I want to thank you both for your replies. Yesterday was a tough day for me, but I made it. I thought about your comments, and it definitely helped. So thank you.

There is one thing I am stuck on, maybe someone can help.
The concept of attraction to something, more specifically to a person, is very illogical. At least that is how I understand it. What I mean is, different things attract different types of people. There are no rules to it. You just have the feeling.
I always understood this as a way the Ribbono shel Olam speaks to you, through your natural inclinations. How am I supposed to know which shidduch is right for me? Well, I imagine if after going out for some time, I have a natural inclination towards a particular girl, then she's the one. I didn't choose to have this attraction. I didn't choose to like her over the others. But this is my feeling, and I don't know why.
Shouldn't I take this as a message, that if I don't have feelings toward another girl as I did with the first, then this other girl simply isn't for me? It's not like these feelings are logical, so where are they coming from? I always thought (and still think) they are coming from Hashem, to tell me, this is the girl you are supposed to be with.

How can I just ignore these feelings? How can I want to go out with another shidduch when I know that I am not interested as much as with the first?

Maybe this is why I can't let go, even after several months.

Re: Hi 29 Aug 2013 17:11 #217741

  • tryingtoshteig
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Keep Fighting,

What do you think Yaakov Avinu thought when he woke up and discovered that he had maried Leah even though he was convinced that Rochel was his bashert? (After all, he had some weird unexplained attraction to Rochel!) Somehow, Hashem had different plans for him than what he thought.

Man plans, and God laughs. Go with the flow.
"ויעזור ויגן ויושיע לכל החוסים בו ונאמר אמן" -- ArtScroll Gabbai's Handbook

Re: Hi 10 Sep 2013 23:58 #218782

  • gibbor120
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A few questions to ponder:

Is it possible to have feelings for the "wrong" girl?

Is it possible that you can meet a girl and have feelings equal to or stronger than the first?

Keep Fighting wrote:
How can I want to go out with another shidduch when I know that I am not interested as much as with the first?
How do you know that before you even meet the girl???

Is it possible that you are so stuck on the first that you are preventing yourself from having feelings for another girl?

What would happen if you decided to let go of (your obsession with) the first girl because she obviously was NOT the one?
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