Nice thought - mechazek. I like it.  They are the one who will bring the future geulah as well.

thanks again guys for all your support.

i do love my wife so much and appreciate her for all she does for me. its hard sometimes because i cant easily see my disease from her perspective, and so i think sometimes her responses are overboard, but i think that it is probably part of my problkme as well, and seeing it from her side will help me see how i affect those around me.

i just wanted to share part of my story with the olam. i guess i have been struggling with this since i was like 15. mine is mainly centred around the internet and chat-lines. the reason why i had to confront this was because i was using the computer at work to look for porn. that wasnt so bad, as i had been doing it for years, but we discovered that one of employees was actually using the computer to look at child porn. it was a massive thing, we involved the police and had him arrested and the computers were confiscated. of course, during my tears battling with my addiction, i had stumbled across some very dodgy sites, and the fear of this being found out scared me witless. because of the anxiety i was forced to tell my wife and then the whole story came out. it was so crazy! and that was about 6 months ago now.

i feel like a bi of a fraud on this site, cos so many guys have so many stories that are so much worse than mine...
anyway, thank you for your understanding

You say you are scared you are a fraud I say halevei of alamen gezukt.
I think you are right on track,My wifes reactions seeing her hurt her pain helps me internalize the reality of my actions it makes me say do I want be such a person that on the one hand professes to love my wife on the other hand hurts her so badly something is obviously very messed up.I see who cares that there are guys who have had relations with other  men animals or whatever ;what lead them to that was a deep hole inside of them so they acted insanely so to me I had a deep hole that made me not think sanely ,see what I did to my wife.
For me the main benefit of this forum even though I am addicted to it,is to keep awareness of my addiction allways dont ever think that I can just let it go since I am so much more functioning then 5 years ago the gemara says you dont get married by 20 all your days will be bhirhurei aveirah.The gemarah is not fanatical it is reality based the thoughts that a person will have untill he gets married will stick with him forever and he will be at constant risk to rivert back to those fantasys so for sure someone who has watched tons of sick porn and spent hours chasing woman...... can easily fall right back where he was.
What better way to learn from people that are much worse then you how they do it so you know what will work for you.

it's so odd that there are literally thousands of men suffering from something, and each thinks he is the only one... how can this be?  maybe it's part of the essence of addiction/disease, that even though we are all in the same boat, the disease repels everyone else who has it.  And so the first step of going to this website is, as Alex says, the turning point.  Kol HaKavod, keep on trucking.

Eizehu wrote on 24 Aug 2011 07:11:

We don't have a shmutz-o-meter here .  Everyone is dealing with this problem on a different level and everyone gains from this support system.  Some folks on this site, just want to guard their eyes in the street.  Your story is pretty common (except maybe for the police part ), and you are definitly in the right place.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.

ontheedgeman wrote on 24 Aug 2011 13:19:


wow, interesting point about thinking you're the only one...
The fear of rejection is similar... Everyone (almost) suffers from it but they think they are the only ones (that is actually inherent to the nature of the fear-since you think you are less than others, you believe that they are better and therefore don't view themselves negatively).

Hi eizehu thiking of you hope all is well.

hi and welcome. hopefully from here things only get better hatzlacha