Dear needyirasshamayim, you are definitely not alone.

Check out my posts as well. There are a few people who have given me some stellar advice. I suggest you try it out as well: http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3913.msg114419#msg114419

What both dov and gevura shebyesod said made me think of something.

Hashem does everything for a reason, and he gives you everything you need to succeed. So maybe we can utilize our "gayness" for something else. Maybe we can use our love and appreciation for men to bring them closer and make them feel closer to Hashem.

Another idea could be to utilize it to show Hashem we love him more. After all, if men could only love women, how could they possibly love someone who is male (Hashem, at least I think so). Ultimately, we could use our love to forge a bond with Hashem that stretches farther than a normal "friendship" bond to someone who wants to devote his life to his "partner" (Hashem).

Remember, this is just a thought I had, and in now way does it reflect the absolute truth unless justified by a certified someone.

What do you think?

Jew Boy

In a more abstract sense though, I think that we can use our heightened emotional sensitivity (I know it's a cliche and a stereotype , but I think there is some truth to it), to help us get closer to Hashem and strengthen our relationship with Him. I know that since I started my own recovery, I am able to be more open with feelings that I spent my entire life suppressing, and I try to channel it into davening with more kavannah and emotion. And yes, in this way we can bring ourselves to the point where, when we recognize that we cannot beat this ourselves, to throw it onto Him and ask Him to heal us.


Gevura!

This is my story:

I am new to this site and thank Hashem that I found it. I hope to Hasem Yisbarach that this will be the beginning of the end for my problems.

I am a 37 year old chasidish man living in Brooklyn. I am married with many beautiful children B"H.

My story goes back from when I was a young child. I was born to a small family with no brothers. I tended to be more to the feminine type, though at that age it meant nothing to me. I dont actually remember the first time I masturbated, though i was young in age. my parents had a TV at home, and i remember while watching some programs (especially those of men in scantily clad attire) and masturbating to those images.

The first time another boy ever touched me was when i went away for a shabbos and he tagged along. I dont remember all the details but he confronted me and I allowed myself to be led. since, I have had many encounters with others.

I have tried for many years without success to try and stop or at least hold back my desires for other men. I still cant seem to kick these desires. I did get caught a few times, once by my parents and some times by others.

I cried many a tears to Hashem to help me fight this yetzer hora. sometimes i succeeded in stopping for weeks, months or years, yet I still always comeback to the same situation. Any small thing can trigger my desires and thoughts and it's very hard to push those aside once they are there.

I work in a heimish company that has great filtration, but I found a way around it that gives me access to all. No matter how many times I deleted the info and passwords, I always look to retrieve it again.

My wife does not know of my desires and I hate lying to her. I hope that I am giving her all the love she deserves even though I am ... I know it's not fare to her.

There is so much more in my heart that I would like to express but it hurts too much. I hope that with Siyata Dishmaya and with these blogs I will get the help that I need to dismantle this yetzer horah.