This is my story:

I am new to this site and thank Hashem that I found it. I hope to Hasem Yisbarach that this will be the beginning of the end for my problems.

I am a 37 year old chasidish man living in Brooklyn. I am married with many beautiful children B"H.

My story goes back from when I was a young child. I was born to a small family with no brothers. I tended to be more to the feminine type, though at that age it meant nothing to me. I dont actually remember the first time I masturbated, though i was young in age. my parents had a TV at home, and i remember while watching some programs (especially those of men in scantily clad attire) and masturbating to those images.

The first time another boy ever touched me was when i went away for a shabbos and he tagged along. I dont remember all the details but he confronted me and I allowed myself to be led. since, I have had many encounters with others.

I have tried for many years without success to try and stop or at least hold back my desires for other men. I still cant seem to kick these desires. I did get caught a few times, once by my parents and some times by others.

I cried many a tears to Hashem to help me fight this yetzer hora. sometimes i succeeded in stopping for weeks, months or years, yet I still always comeback to the same situation. Any small thing can trigger my desires and thoughts and it's very hard to push those aside once they are there.

I work in a heimish company that has great filtration, but I found a way around it that gives me access to all. No matter how many times I deleted the info and passwords, I always look to retrieve it again.

My wife does not know of my desires and I hate lying to her. I hope that I am giving her all the love she deserves even though I am ... I know it's not fare to her.

There is so much more in my heart that I would like to express but it hurts too much. I hope that with Siyata Dishmaya and with these blogs I will get the help that I need to dismantle this yetzer horah.

Welcome Chaver!
What a beautiful, honest first post.
There are many here with issues similar to yours.
We are all in the same boat.  All addicted to some form of lust.  At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what particular kind of lust it is.  Lust is lust.  It's a drug we've become hooked on.
And we're rising above it.  With Hashem's help, by working the Steps, and by giving and getting chizuk right here.
Please get to work reading the GYE handbook.
You will probably find "The First Day of the Rest of My Life" helpful.  It deals with some of your same-sex attraction (SSA) issues.  Links to both can be found on the homepage.
An important early step is committing to letting go of lust, no matter how much a part of you it has been until now.  It's not you anymore.  In early recovery, I found myself SAYING frequently, "I don't want to lust."

There is a pathway out.  And now you have your foot upon it.
Welcome!
Hatzlocha,
Alex

Welcome to this Heliga Kehilla, we all here have the smae problaems and get helped. Please stay arround. If you are talking Yiddish, be aware that there is a Yiddish forum as well, although its still very small.

How about a K9 filter on your work computer ?

and here is the official GYE welcome.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Welcome needyirasshamayaim -

It is great you came to this site. After a filter and some hard determination hanging out here is really the best place to be to avoid triggers.

Your YH is different than most of ours but no different in that they are both forbidden by Hashem. By you being attracted to men; your nisayon is staying away from that. I can and cannot relate.

You are a holy yid and the first thing we tell people that have a nitiya towards men is "YOU ARE NOT GAY"! You just have a YH that causes you to like men. Do not label yourself as that; otherwise the YH has won that battle and it becomes even harder for you to crawl out of it.

ninety 

Dear ninety (and needyirasShomayim),

In the long run, vehement denial of a status or problem does not go that far in convincing a person of what they 'are not'. And it does even a poorer job in helping them accept what they really 'are'.

Is it that important to actively deny 'being gay'? I respectfully suggest that this man and whoever else has lust attraction to men and the images of men would do better to spend time and focus on what they are, rather than on caring so much about what they are not.

I am indeed a lot more than my sexual desires. I am not referring to my dirty desires, but my healthy ones. And I am certainly a great deal more than my lust. And here comes what was a big shock to me: even sexually, I am a lot more than my sexual desires!

When my sexuality is understood in the context of society - it is ruined. Twisted and perverted. But how can I approach my sexuality without filtering? This is impossible for many - and impossible-est for addicts.

So. We go into living and appreciating our sexuality the same way we recover: one day at a time and by G-d's help. Hashem loves us and gives us our sexuality and we can daven to Him in Sh'moneh esrei for the bravery and patience we need to let Him fix us up. And for the bravery and faith in recovery we need in order to stay clean, so we can recover at all. Real recovery takes real time, so we will need lots and lots of patience.

I am concerned about your emphasis on discovering what you are not, and hope you spend most - scratch that - ALL your energy on discovering what you are. You are an amazing man, with a lot to give and a lot of room to grow in many ways. Whether it is the steps you want to use, or mussar or whatever....alei v'hatzlach!

What you are and what you have to give - that's all that really matters, all told. And discovering that is a process and takes hard work.

Welcome aboard NeedYS!

I am traveling a similar road to yours, and I feel what you are going through.
my story is here: http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0

Dov:
It's not denial, it's rejection of a label that society has pinned on us. Yes we are attracted to males, and it has comletely taken over and peverted what should be a healthy sexual drive. we are not denying that.

What we must reject is the "gay" identity that society wants us to flaunt. The attitude that it's just another "lifestyle", that we were "born this way" and we should accept it and embrace it. I found that that had crept into my head and made me doubt that I could seriously fight it. One of the first real steps of my recovery was to turn that attitude around and realize that it is not the essence of what i am, it's just another YH that we have to fight, just like everyone else here has their own issues. Hashem gives each of us our own unique challenges, and each of us is given different Koichos that we can use as tools to fight OUR Yetzer Hora.

KOT

Gevura!

Of course society is plotzing for men and women with attraction to same-sex images and bodies to "accept" the gay label! It strengthens them in their prikas ohl and legitimizes their perversion as 'not a perversion' in their own and others' eyes.

Agreed 100% with everything you wrote!!

All I am pointing out is that we reach a point when our rejection (I call that denying - though I do not mean it as 'denial' in the futile or dishonest sense of "living in denial", at all) becomes a liability. Like the Lady Macbeth who "protesteth too much."

If we walk around having to scream "I AM NOT GAY!", eventually we will begin to wonder why we need to yell so loudly and what voice we are trying to drown out...

That is not a good thing.

So if you are right, that acceptance of perversion within ourselves - as I have and continue to have to admit about myself - is an indispensable first step , I am with you 1000%.

But when do we all move on? Do we ever move on? If you want to move on, then start screaming (to yourself) in all caps WHAT YOU ARE - not what you are not. Do we have to scream louder than society - and scream each time they scream the gay thing? There comes a point when we all - same sex or not - need to say and mean, "To heck with society! They are crazy. So? I am unaffected by what they say."

I am not being cold. It's just that it is part of growing up, I think.

I think we are really on the same page here. The first step has to be the rejection of that false identity that society wants us to submit to. It doen't have to be screaming in all caps, it's something we have to affirm within ourselves.

The second step is to begin to focus on our positive aspects and build them up, and to just ignore the outside voices trying to entice us to give up and give in.

Gevura!

Yes. And the second stage is what lasts for the rest of our lives and defines us, day in and day out. Not the first one.

I agree.

and NYS, sorry for hijacking your thread.

Gevura!

Oh...yeah. Sorry.

Dear needyirasshamayim, you are definitely not alone.

Check out my posts as well. There are a few people who have given me some stellar advice. I suggest you try it out as well: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3913.msg114419#msg114419

What both dov and gevura shebyesod said made me think of something.

Hashem does everything for a reason, and he gives you everything you need to succeed. So maybe we can utilize our "gayness" for something else. Maybe we can use our love and appreciation for men to bring them closer and make them feel closer to Hashem.

Another idea could be to utilize it to show Hashem we love him more. After all, if men could only love women, how could they possibly love someone who is male (Hashem, at least I think so). Ultimately, we could use our love to forge a bond with Hashem that stretches farther than a normal "friendship" bond to someone who wants to devote his life to his "partner" (Hashem).

Remember, this is just a thought I had, and in now way does it reflect the absolute truth unless justified by a certified someone.

What do you think?

Jew Boy

It sounds nice, but it is all just theory and useless, thinking and cheshboinos - until it is out into real action.

Enough theory. Thinking about the problem is poison. It has its limited place - but this feels to me like trying to figure it out and beat it with new insight....it doesn't work for any addict I know.

We need to take the actions and the feelings and thinking will follow, as a gift. That is the experience of most people I know. And I spent a decade learning about this and only got sicker and sicker. It was disgusting and silly.

What real actions can you take according to your idea above? Now. Today.

Go to it, man. And quit figuring it (you) all out. It is a waste of more time and just mental masturbation. In my experience.

What you say makes sense, and yet, I still find myself trying to hold on to it all. It gives me purpose to what I do. To tell myself that I cannot have connections to my friends because I may get turned on by them is too much. But to tell myself that you are only giving them due love, and that you should cherish your friends make everything sound much more worthwhile and easier to handle.
I actually posted Friday afternoon, and that Shabbat I found myself feeling an overwhelming love to the people around me while I was learning. I was able to connect to each one of them. I felt good, and the other people around me were comfortable with me, even though we were only friendly. We were able to learn in a comfortable atmosphere, and, baruch hashem, we learned tons. So many halachot learned, and we all understood them because we weren't afraid to ask questions.

This doesn't confirm my theory. It was just something that happened that MAY have a correlation. It probably doesn't. As well, I already see the danger that you might anticipate, but it doesn't mean that there isn't a good side to it as well. Hashem gave us many things which can go to sinning or mitzvot purposes.

I realize that because of my condition, I should, under any conditions, not act upon this love, and that I must control myself very strongly if I wish to utilize it for good. Baruch Hashem, so far so good. I haven't fallen in two days, and I feel stronger than ever.

We'll just see where it takes me.

NeedYirasshamayim, sorry for hijacking your post. Even though I have my own, I couldn't help commenting on this one small point.

Jew Boy

That was nice, thanks. Hatzlocha with all this, chaver.