Chaim Chuna,

I just want to let you know that I'm so inspired by reading your thread.
Thank you for sharing!

KH

Well, I've just come to the conclusion, that yes, I have this disease. I wont say where and how exactly, but I heard a description of an alcholic and it rang true with me. It's not about willpower. It's not about smarts. It's a disease and I have no control over it and I'm helpless to do anything about it. I don't want a fliter. I don't really want help. It gets to me, at my core, this desire, to browse on the smut sites and get half a second of pleasure staring at fakery galore and think to myself what do I need to real thing for? It's not like a real relationship was ever good for anything - just causing problems and can never get my fill through that either, and this is way cheaper and I can think to myself that I'm alone and not being watched and getting away with making myself into more and more of a filth-monger. I am helpless and I don't think I want the solution/cure/treatment. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for being a hapless helpless lust and filth monger. I'm sorry world. I'm sorry.

Completelydesensitized

Hi and welcome,
i encourage you to make a new thread in the 'Introduce Yourself" section (www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?board=19.0) so you can be welcomed properly and given the attention and assistance you deserve.
wishing you the best
zs

Done. But one question. Why does being on this forum, just coming here, make me want to slip? Why is it so ingrained in me, in my actions, thought processes, etc., that anything to do with this makes me want to slip - and not call it a slip but just some free, no victim, pleasure?

i think you answered that question with your own words
completelydesensitized wrote on 24 Aug 2011 20:16:

the good news is that there is a way out. many others have been in similar situations and found a way out...
stay here on GYE and read the Handbook and what others have written and you will see

completelydesensitized wrote on 24 Aug 2011 20:16:


(not)completelydesensitized,

I'm reading your post and i'm crying i feel your pain. I've been there too, just not giving a d*** anymore...

Just the fact that it hurts you so much shows that you don't really want to give up. Stick around and you will learn that you CAN do it.

Gevura!

Dear completelydesensitized,

I would be glad to compare notes with you to see which of us has been more desensitized in our acting out career. Sure you are suffering and may feel like a piece of garbage. But that will not help and frankly, is just useless whining.

If you are so sure you are afflicted with the same disease I have, then go to SA meetings, share the unvarnished truth about yourself, and done.

There are no commitments that you will accept the solution needed to come to meetings. You can come as long as you are sure you are sick in the head and wish you'd quit....even if you only wish that you'd wish you'd quit.

If you really mean it and feel that hopeless, you are exactly right for us in SA.

And you can always just leave. No attendance, no obligation.

Love,

Dov

Desensitized, here's a quote of my post from 20 days ago that I think you will relate to. 20 days later, I'm clean and happy, and this post feels like it belongs to a different person.

"I am so depressed. I had a great, almost 6 month clean streak that ended a couple months ago and it's been a terrible down hill since then.
You would think that after such a long clean streak I would have strong mental barriers against viewing all the trash that I had viewed in the past. Instead, it takes only a few hours from the first fall for me to get right back to where I left off half a year earlier, doing the same stuff and much worse. My appetite isn't satiated any more through the old stuff and I need "bigger and better".
This is incredibly tough because I feel I haven't moved forward too much. Won't I ever recover that sensitivity that I had? It took about a year of masturbation for the YH to finally convince me to do legit porn.
In addition, the last 6 months do not seem to have given me more sensitivity to feel more ashamed and upset when I finally fell. To the contrary: I feel more comfortable that I ever felt with porn and I even feel completely comfortable with no fences in place. I don't want fences because I know that later I'm gonna want to view more garbage.
In the past, after every action I would feel terrible and set up some kind of fence to help for the future. Now I don't even care.
The reason I'm writing this post is because I care that I don't care. I'm sad that I'm not sad.
I want to finally break through and finish with this trash but I feel like I don't care enough right now. Like I should just continue with this trash until I care enough. But I want to care NOW! It's almost 9 Av and I'm in this disgusting situation. I feel like dirt.
Is there anyone out there who can identify and give me some unconditional love and chizuk?
That would be greatly appreciated!"


I hope this helps you! Look at my recent posts to see the contrast between then and now!

Dear completelydesensitized,

Just to clarify, I was not suggesting that I think you need SA meetings. I was just reflecting off of what you wrote. You wrote you are completely convinced you are sick and that you felt horrible (sorry world) about your powerlessness and hopelessness. So I asked what you have to lose by going to SA, that's all.

I happen to be sober today and have been going to SA meetings and trying to work the steps in my daily life for the past 14 years, and life has never been better.

When I wrote that I'd love to "compare notes" with you, I meant that the ways I act out (when I act out, which bH has not been for many years so far) are quite severe, and also not quite as severe. I'm all over the place with lusting and acting out my lust. It's pathetic and quite disgusting, and feels so powerfully invigorating and incredibly depressing at the same time. So, anytime you want to compare notes, just let me know. I do not bite, chabibi.

- Dov 

dov wrote on 30 Aug 2011 21:25:


But you sure give us stuff to chew on

Every so often Hashem gives a person an inspiration.  I think I got one reading this thread, the electrician story and the follow-up confusion.  Like most here I read TehillimZugger's post and then the reaction by Chaimchuna and was sort of surprised.  But I tried to put on different glasses and see if I could see what Chaimchuna saw.  All it takes is a little different punctuation which you'll be suprised happens when we read things quickly or under stress and the message from TehillimZugger has a completely different meaning.     

chaimchuna wrote on 19 Aug 2011 01:40:


TehillimZugger wrote on 19 Aug 2011 10:58:


Someone quickly pointed out the appropriate reading, chaimchuna graciously apologized and sholom al yisroel.  But what's the message?  And what does this all have to do with our electrician friend whose story started this all. 

I think the answer is as follows.  The possuk says, ואהבת לרעך כמוך:  אני ה.  The meforshim are bothered is it possible to love someone like yourself, also what's the connection to "Ani Hashem."  I think what the possuk is telling us is (and I beleive I've heard this before but I have no clue where).  We always give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.  Because in our view we would never do ourselves harm and even when we do there is always a positive way in looking at our actions.  The possuk is telling us love your friend the same way  כמוך give them the same benefit of the doubt.  But then the possuk goes further, אני ה.  Who in this world loves you more than anyone, even more than you love yourself?  The answer is Hashem.  YKVK, midas harachamim.  Our whole existence is one of Hashem's mercy.  Says the torah, give me the RBSO the benefit of the doubt as well.  You're in a situation that you think is terrible, that its worth taking your life over.  Says Hashem, I love you, even a goy.  I love everyone in this world.  You are my creations.  Give me the benefit of the doubt that what I am doing is for your good.  And lo and behold:

chaimchuna wrote on 15 Aug 2011 17:45:
 

If we take this perspective with our wife, our friends, co-workers and fellow posters and most importantly wth Hashem our whole life will feel differently.  Thank you Chaimchuna for that wonderful story.  Continued hatzlacha

hello everybody and thanks for clarifying my words, i had only read the first few posts and hit reply and said that i really feel his problems with a court sentence etc.
i hadn't read anything about jim. now that i did, i can say that i was also inspired by the goyishe "chap"  ;D

Yeah, shalom al yoisroel. Chaimchuna- how are you doing....

When I was in Yeshiva, one of my rebeim said that we will know that Mashiach is truly here when the non-jew from the most remote place in the world tells us that Mashiach has arrived.  I thought at the time how bizarre that the geula would happen that way.  But I realize now in life that sometimes a person receives the same message over and over again from many different people, and I just don't hear it or "chap".  But then one day, when least expected, a non-jew in my group that has experienced gehinom (ie prison) says that g-d gives us what we need which is a very fundamental Jewish concept, I am blown away.  Maybe its because he does not learn Torah, yet came to this understanding on his own perceptions of life.  That is why I was so dumbstruck when he said it after a suicide attempt. This gave me hope because if a non-Jew can see G-d in his life then certainly when I am down, I can be sure that G-d is still in my life as well.

I realized recently and after 3 years of therapy that only I can cause myself to change.  Not jail, the threat of prison, the criminal justice system as a whole, endless amounts of debt, the prospect of losing my family, unemployment, divorce...etc.  None of it matters since all of it can be rationed away to fulfull one fleeting moment of lust.  Kind of sad but it also shows the power of choice our creator has put into everyone of us.