I am a frum man with a beautiful family and despite once being an honorable member of a large orthodox community in America with a good income, I have almost thrown it all away when I was arrested for what started out as a pornography and chatting addiction for 9 years and eventually led to sexual chats with police officers, jail, loss of career and endless probation rules, treatment and complete invasion of my privacy in my home and personal life.  I am financially struggling and it only adds to stress and the stress pushes me to fantasize about chatting again.  I feel hopeless and although I have gone months at a time without masturbation, I fall again and again and feel that G-d hates me.  I want my life back, my career and my name.  Yet, life as I have known it is changing before my eyes and I do not know where or how I will come out of this.  Ironically, my Hebrew name means life and yet I feel like death.  This is just a summary of  a story that could fill a book.  I am not even sure what I am asking for by joining this GYE but here I am.  HELP!

Welcome, being located in EY i have the schus of being the first person to welcome you. You will soon receive the standard welcome pachage, as well as a warm invitation by the most prominant members of the GYE family. But for the meantime, here is my shtikel (actualy they tell me I'm not so yeshivish).

Addiction changes your mind. You become an animalistic being that will do anything to attain your fix. Many people start small, and then get bored, so they upgrade to a new level of lust. Then they need better quality pics, and HD videos. Then they simply need to see something more than "just 2 people", so from now on they are only interested by who the people are, and the sicko who could film it without puking.      After scrolling through  a million pics of beautiful and tempting people, you eventually just don't care! You might not even have any physical attraction to such things, you simply 'need more'.    I don't know your story yet, but if this is the case, than 'chatting' is the 'thrill' that you need, and nothing else satisfies you. The worst part is, that you will need MORE THAN THAT!!              you will NEVER satisfy the craving beast inside you.

So, you need to realize that ANYWAY you will never get enough, and start working on  C-U-T-T-I-N-G    B-A-C-K.  Step one is finding GYE, step two is beginning the process of working on yourself. You might not know what you are looking for here, but we will help you discover the void you created, and how to fill it with GOOD THINGS.

Life is all about self improvement, as the vilna Gaon said (and i mis-quote!) "If I am not improving למה לי חיים"        if you don't improve, what does the world need חיים for?

On the bright side, so long as you never brought a ממזר into the world (and even so, but it's harder to do teshuva for) you can ALWAYS do teshuva. And that doesn't mean gettinbg on your knees and saying 'Oh lord, I have sinned before thee, please atone for my misgivings and cleanse my soul..." ha ha ha        No teshuva means you change yourself and become a new person. you won't be a convincted___bla bla bal___      NO, you can become a new and wholesome person, with a depth and שלימות that you cannot currently comprehend.

What else....  a gut voch

Welcome , Just keep on going don't give up as long we are still alive we can still repent but push hard and harder to fight against the evil inclination each time you fail improve more till there is no temptation but don't let your guard down. Don't worry to much but only worry that of wouldn't worry or cared about the sin that is committed without guilt and giving up, "G-d forbid"... don't fail, trust in Hashem and be a holy to Him and learn from the mistake from before and keep on guard... We always have to remember everyday that this is just a temporary place in life as a test and we all have to face G-d alone so don't focus to much about what people thinks, focus on Hashem and yourself and repent and be holy and don't let suffering in life bring you deep down think as it is for a good reason to purify your Jewish soul to come closer to G-d.

how could god hate you if you went a couple months without mast... unless you are very different than anyone I know... it takes crazy spiritual heroism and if you were honest with yourself you would know god is showing of your profile to all the malachim with pride and keeps pushing you because the wrestling match with life's circumstances that you are fighting is the highest rated program in shamayim. yes it's not fair that you should be forced to perform in a heavenly play, but think of a mentor forcing a young russel crowe onto the stage for a performance that he knows will win him an oscar. yes you might feel like you are loosing but Man be honest with yourself, you are wrestling on the highest level of course you'll be down VERY OFTEN but you are still a champ!

My heart goes out to you chaim chuna.
I dont have the words to console you, youve suffered terribly.
May I suggest that instead of looking for the answer to your question first see what an amazing site GYE is. start from scratch by using the handbooks etc... after youve been here for a while I think the answers to your questions will start to become self evident.
in the meantime you have a family of friends here to support you.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Chaimchuna -

What can anyone say.

Obviously my response is shaped by my situation but here are my 2 cents.

Say you continued with the porn and chatting and whatever else you did. Say you kept your job, wife still loved you, kids adored you, and you are the askan of New York!

You would have zero incentive to change. You would go through your 20's, 30's...... 60's, and further masturbating to everincreasing filth. While your like may have been lived in physical comfort albeit with this nagging secret you are hiding from EVERYONE, you will die a lonely death.

God wants you to change before you hit the finish line. So what does He do? He takes things away from you... He causes you to run in with the cops... You can fill in the next couple of blanks... Obviously it is working because you yourself said you stopped for a few months at a time..

So you are here. You stopped for a few months. You got the message from God. You changed! Now why doesnt he give you your life back. Your job, career, and position in the community?

This is a question I had for some time. Answer is you will never understand Him. All you saw was a sliver of what he has in store for you.

Look at it this way. When you die (after 120) you will be able to show months or years of freedom from lust. True it was caused because of hardships in your life but that was a chesed Hashem did for you because he loves you. You went the time without masturbating. It's like making a million dollars. True God put the idea in your head, but at the end of the fiscal year you still have a million dollars to show in your checking account.

Hope this helps!

ninety

I appreciate the sense of warmth and concern received in the replies to my original posting.  I agree with everything stated but what I find difficult to understand is when I fall, why it seems like I am waiting for more retribution from Hashem rather than a warm type of love that shows he cares about me.  I know that I have been told many times that when it comes to raising my children, it is best to use positive reinforcement rather than cold hard discipline.  I have employed that method of positive reinforcement and see better results with my children.  However, I feel with me, my life is nothing but dinim from shemayim and I lose hope because of it.  When I lose hope I go back into my cycle of looking for a high or an escape and thus the thoughts of chatting and masturbating become an overwhelming desire.  Look, I know I am wrong and have been doing wrong for a long time.  But in the process of changing, I do not want to live a harsh life because it seems like G-d hates me.  I will tell you that during the time that I have been clean for many months, I was required to fight for my license to continue in my profession (criminal charges triggered an investigation and subsequently a trial).  One might think after a three days and 27 hours of exposing every detail of my life to a bunch of strangers that enough is enough and yet something more harsh happened to me at the end of the 3rd with regard to my probation of which I have been abiding by to every detail.  I am so frustrated and in light of everything, I am still confronted with possibly losing my license and thus losing my profession and have zero parnassa.  Gosh, there are so many people who do alot of nasty things and walk away from their trials and tribulations.  Yet, I am still suffering and sometimes hopeless as to when will this merry go around stop so that I can get off and live a normal life.  If I were Hashem, I would want to encourage me and not put me into more frustration that makes me think about repeating behaviors that have destroyed my life.  I just don't get it.  I am fed up, my wife is fed up and both of us are exhausted.  I even stopped saying krias shema al hamita because I feel like my tefillahs go nowhere.  I could go on but I will stop.

read through some of the GYE stories, *(on the website) and you will see that many of us have also been there,or still are.

Open up, and start your story. This way we can help you arrange your mind, and build a new focus. (much like you might do with a psycologist).

Plus we can help find what you need to work at, and fill your missing holes.

since when do u go to jail for visiting porn sites and chating...?
please explain it to me.
thank you
and by the way you have names of 2 rabanim in london.... father and son....

hashem should help u, amen

My story begins with an addiction to pornography begining at the age of 13.  It began with looking at women in catalogues and my father's playboy subscription.  Then it progressed to harder magazines like Hustler and Penthouse.  I took every opportunity to look at my friend's magazines from cover to cover.  Honestly, I did not know I was doing wrong since it was such a casual topic amongst my friends.  By the time I was 16, I was watching pornography with my best friend.  Then it progressed to going to live performances of women stripping when I was around 18 through my early 20s not to mention the craziness at college.  Surprisingly, I sensed the emptiness of my masturabtion addiction to pornography that I started to change my life to orthodoxy at around age 25.  When I spent a few years in yeshiva, amazingly, I stopped for over a year at a time.  Unfortunately, after a broken engagement, my celibacy was short lived after discovering my roommates porn magazine collection under his bed.  I didnt go hardcore until I started to use the internet within 3 months of being married.  It began with pornography but became boring when I could bring a picture to life in chat rooms by directing women to do as I wanted.  This was the pinnacle of my addiction as I stayed addicted to chat rooms for over 8 years.  After chatting with probably thousands of women and (supposed to be women-never sure who is on the otherside), I never paid attention to age or facts since everyone lied about age and appearance  including me.  This led to chatting to police officers posing as underage girls in adult chat rooms.  I really never thought that I was chatting to anyone but an adult since I usually spoke to the person by phone and clearly could tell it was a women's voice.  Unfortunately, my intent had nothing to do with the laws I violated and landed up in jail, probation and requirement to register as a sex offender.  As a result of my chat addiction, my wife has amazingly stayed by my side and I have done everything to turn things around.  Nevertheless, I am possibly on the verge of losing my professional license and have had to do some radical acceptance at my new place in life.  I have completely ruined all that I had except for the good grace of G-d not taking my wife and children away from me.  I wake up often and sit stunned at everything that has transpired wondering how I could I be so stupid.  Obviously, I have gone through many of the stages of grieving like I lost a loved one.  I even lost out on the chance to see my dying mother before she passed because of travel restrictions due to my criminal situation.  What can I say except that I really messed up and have probably ran the gamut of how far an addiction can take a person.  I am amazed however that I still stumble and masturbate at times in light of my cirmcumstances.  I have managed to stop for long periods of time and then the yetzer creeps back into my life.  I wish I could follow some type of program to create goals so that I can break free forever.  My marriage has improved tremendously, yet there is still a long way to go.  I feel like when I stumble that everything I have tried to achieve in terms of getting healthy goes out the window and that G-d is going to punish me more.  I just want my life back and to be free of this burden and mess.  This is not the legacy I want to leave behind.  I have read the Garden of Emuna many times over and starting to doubt whether Emuna is true since it seems every time I try to reach for Hashem, he hides from me.  Any way I could go on and on and so I will stop.

wow i am speachless.
hashem should help u, that all this should be like a bad dream, amen.
i guess your wife believes u , u had no intention for girls less then 18, lucky u.
all this is gonna be over soon, i hope u doing more than what u can to make sure u stay with your license.

Umin. Kin yehi rutzen. A brucha from Horov Lagg means a lot.

Hi Chaim Chuna,
I am the admin of the forum. I don't post here often anymore for lack of time, but someone pointed out your story to me.

WOW. What a strong example to us all of "Hitting Bottom". Is this your story over here? www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=861

We have a page called "Hitting Bottom While Still on Top" and this story appears there as one of the links.

Suffice it to say, that you have come to the right place. We all understand you here, and we have a clear program of recovery that will help you get your life back. Have you ever been in 12-Step groups like SA? Having hit-bottom, you'd be a perfect candidate for the 12-Step program.

On GYE we have many 12-Step phone conferences where you can work the steps anonymously, by phone with other frum yidden and an experienced sponsor... But live groups are even more powerful, and if you can make it to one I would highly suggest it.

Read our handbook. It has everything you need to know about this disease.

We are all with you, and Hashem loves you more than you can imagine. Hashem Tzilcha - Hashem is like our shadow. Believe it and you'll start to see it.

I feared listing the reason for my arrest but NO this has never been about underage girls.  I am frustrated that people do not truly understand addiction and always zero in on the underage part rather than the addiction to internet chatting.  I guess I am unique and truly alone.  YES my wife believes me because even the prosecutor in my case dropped all charges after I was examined by the state's doctor and took a lie detector test.  I am too tired to have to defend myself in this group and will stop writing in. I need help for an addiction not chasing underage girls.  Signed-SINCERELY FRUSTRATED.