This thread is so powerful. I'm afraid I don't have much to say in response except thank you to everyone who has shared so much wisdom here!

Thank you so much for all of the replies... I already feel much better. I truly appreciate the time you have taken to give me such chizuk.... it know how long it takes to formulate thoughtful responses, and I am grateful for the caring you have shown to a total stranger.

I look forward to remaining an active member of this community and hope that I will be able to lean on you for my strength and to lend strength to anyone whom I can help as well.

RM

As long as you want real freedom, and I'm sure you do, you'll have it.. You're probably better off than you think.

Wishing you happiness with yourself and family, b'emet

Serene smile wrote on 31 May 2011 18:38:


Yes, but you will not likely get freedom just by wanting it. Even if you are very sincere. It usually requires taking real steps and doing some real work. It does for me and for everybody else that i know with (so far) successful recovery. Following that path of real work, real action-steps, and real openness requires one thing: Humility.

Most people do not expect that, but think it takes determination, or self-sacrifice. They think it is a madreiga of some kind. But of course, it's not - it is purely selfish. I need to save my behind - I need to. But really, all it takes is humility.

If we do not get a gift of humility from Hashem to let go of our egos and stoop down low to do the work, then we will stay in the slime and mud and torture of our acting out. Lower than anything, it is, no? Eventually we get humiliation enough...and some arrive at recovery because of that. Humiliation brings 'humility' - like fainting brings blood pressure up inside the brain. Not pleasant - but effective.

Reb Nachman used to say, "ader ah nisayon, ader a bizayon," and I think that is what he was referring to. Either we bring ourselves down enough to face the truth and actually do what we must, or our problem will bring us down against our will.

OK, enough out of me.

It is nice that the chizzuk you have found here makes you feel better already. The question is have you come here primarily to feel better, or to get better? Sadly, many come here only to feel better. Yup. And I do not blame them, for I am one of those who did not get better until I was humiliated, and the willingness still came very slowly after that before it became a touch of humility and saved my life. But you are really tired of the suffering, no?

So go for it, brother!! You are worth it.

Couldn't o'said it better myself :-)

Hi Recon,

Do you have filters on all your electronics yet?  Have you spent some time reading the handbooks?  Did you sign up to get chizuk emails?  Have you listened in or maybe even joined one of the phone groups?  Have you found somebody you feel some connection with and asked them if you could call them in a tough moment?  When you daven do you ask Hahsem to help you just get through today?  Have you begun to not take that second look, and to avoid routes that put too much temptation in front of your nose?  Have you...?  Have you...? Have you...?

Fences, fences, fences.  Before I stopped, everything, all at once, my connection with "H was all about the drama cycle--beg, promise, fall, cry, beg, etc. etc.  I never knew there was a different kind of connection.  It took doing the stuff the guys recommended, sifting and sorting, finding what was working best for me. 

For me, coming out of isolation was critical--talking to my Rov, to my best friend, to a therapist, and to my virtual friends and brothers at GYE.

Next came posting.  I didn't know what the "rules" were here.  How open could I be.  I just kept putting it out there until one time Guard deleted some stuff from a post.  That was how I learned what the limit was for me.  It was done lovingly, gently and with explanations.  I encourage you to let it all hang out to the extent that it's comfortable for you.  (Collectively we've probably pretty much done it all anyhow)

I also had to struggle with wanting to be the best poster, to get my posts in the chizuk emails, to get lots of responses to my posts.  This was good in the beginning.  It gave me someplace to put all my need to be center stage, rather than in the eyes of some pixilated image. 

Facing truths about myself, my personal variety of this addiction, about my selfishness and self-centeredness and resentments and entitlements could only have happened (to the extent that they have so far) with the help of the guys here spilling their own beans and me getting to piggyback (you should pardon the expression) on their sharing.  At first I spent hours and hours on the site.  That was also a good thing.  I needed the images flashing in front of me of the guys I was "talking" to.  I discovered that what I wanted with all that posting was to matter.  To matter even with my monkey on my back.  Guys told me "H loved me no matter what.  But it took me a very long time for that to become a little bit felt as my own experience.

I say all this to let you know there is no "right" way to get clean and find your peace.  I still flap all over the place.  And when I come here, I settle down. sometimes I need to come here before davening.  Even before leyning a little Chasidus before davening.  I gotta settle down a little.

so that's a little about me.  Please check in with us soon and a lot.  Tell us what you're doing, eh?

If you're not really ready, if you haven't really hit your bottom, from above or below, doesn't matter--after all it's your bottom, you call it.

So I hope you'll post here a thing or two that you've gotten started with so we can encourage you with what you have done, are planning to do, or need some help with doing.  But please don't think this is something that just takes self-discipline. Because we're all here because we failed the self discipline test.  and we re-took the test thousands of time.  We gotta DO things.  It's our histadlut.  Then step aside as best you can.  He'll come.  I can't say "I promise", but it's a really good bet.  Take it.

Dov,

Your first post, the one that got the wow from kedusha.

Wow

Thank-you! Have a nice Shabbos!

I have been slipping more in the last month than in years... I am so ashamed of myself... I've installed blockers, but i hack them.... I am back to all the old acting out... and I am feeling so so so so low.

everytime i think i've made progress, i feel like ive slipped right back down and its worse than ever.

i cant look in the mirror.

even worse, I've been to embarrassed to call and tell my therapist, since I know how disappointed he will be. arrrrrrrrrrr.

Dov, if you are there, can you PM me, I'd love to be able to lean on you.

Recon, i feel your pain.
give yourself a break, you have an addiction, which warps the mind and alters thought paths. while it is not a carte blanche to let you act on impulse, it is a reason to reduce the guilt and self-loathing and focus on doing something to help yourself.
lots of guys here have been down the road you are on. there is a way out.
if what you did until now is not getting results maybe try some other tactics.
wishing you the best
zs

Get one day of sobriety.

Take it one temptation at a time.  One day at a time.

There's some killer pritzus out there this season.  It's nearly impossible not to be assaulted with mind-robbing candy if just for a moment.  But you're here with us now.  There's no turning back.  GET UP !
Alex