WARNING THE FOLLOWING POST MAY BORE YOU TO DEATH
PLEASE SKIP IT OR READ QUICKLY WHILE DIALING 101(911-USA)
Dear GYE's,
I sit here today, ridden with R.I.D, halted by H.A.L.T, and I feel fried like an omelette with fried onions and pepper. I have been overtaxing myself recently, and it's no good.
As you may have read, I put up quite a valiant affront yesterday to the YH on this thread. I am a fighter-I know what it means to struggle, no pain no gain. Without all the pain I wouldn't have all the resilience that I have today. I remember my first fight, in the good old days (my quasi-kid at risk days, geshmak…), in the streets,
when I got my first punch into my front two teeth. Bleeding, and feeling so vulnerable, I realized then that I'm not the tough guy that I claimed to be. Of course, I fought fiercly back like a koala bear who battles an armadillo over an acorn, and I won.
It was the fact that I got hit that one time that turned me into a tough guy, with a die hard mission to win and succeed no matter
what. This is a common phenomena in the fighting world. My training partner too joined the fighting world after he was mugged for the first time, in Tel Aviv.
And so for years, aside from the myriads of struggles in my life, id fought as well the fronts of lust. And being a brave, fearful but insane street fighter, I'd fought hard. I battled lust every day, every night.
In the fighting life, by the graces of Hshem, I'd won every time and never been dangerously beaten into submission in the street, but it got pretty close a few times. The feeling of being chased by several people with guns was an all time favorite, exhilarating as it was.
I could have died ten times, yet I lived.
And when I'd say hallel, I'd mamesh say lo amus ki echyeh with my heart.
And I'd think about all the pain and then say even ma'asu habonim, haysah lirosh pinah
Then I'd look at all my accomplishments of how I'd built myself up to be a geek, orange bearded kollel dude, and I'd continue ma'ais Hshem haysah zoas, HI NIFLAOS BIAINAINU.
In my battles of lust, it's paralleled the whole time.
I won, iv'e lost. But I always stayed in the game. I'll never go down without a fight-I'd rather die in a blaze of glory (rebbe wolfenstein).
Ive won many times, and been clean for my countable streaks. Iv'e taken the measures to keep dry of addictive triggers as well, to throw this out, not go there, don’t touch this, etc.
A few times, w/ the parallel, iv'e done some stupid and I mean stupid things in the lust underworld too, and iv'e almost lost. Some people hit bottom bec. They're caught doing s/thing stupid, right?
And again, by the good graces of Hshem, and my great bubbies tehillim n' trerren, iv'e won those too. And as well, iv'e never been beaten into submission in the lust world either, although it's come close, too close a few times.
THE NIKUDAHHH:
So it can be said that iv'e won too many times for my own good, so that iv'e never felt I need to hit bottom to be misakein. And I know, here the handbook philosophy is to hit bottom while still on top.
So through the gentle persuation/suggestion of a certain tzaddik here, I joined gye not long ago. I was clean a bit, thought I'd never fall again. I was certain.
Especially not last night, after I'd battled the yh and stood strong for so long yesterday on my thread and at home.
And then something dumb happened. I fell….twice. No, it wasn't s/thing drastic that involved another; just the little old aveirah. And it wasn’t in the full blown fashion either, it was 50% gra-ma you could say. And no, I'm not depressed, I'm not experiencing timtum halev (na'ases lo kiheter), I'm not confused, upset. It's just that I realized something that I already knew but didn't yet know expirentially, until 1:30 am last night.
WHY I FELL( HERE MODERATOR WILL SAY YOU FELL BEC. THIS IS gD'S PLAN..).In the handbook it says that one must make recovery a #1 priority. I couldn't do that last night, or last week for that matter.
True, life has it's turns, surprises and whatnot. So recovery's supposed to be possible in this life, in our society. And I believe it is.
It's just that iv'e been overwhelmed with work recently. Up to my neck. And I haven't cranked it out quick enough. The pressure started rising, feeling all gooey. All I started thinking about was finishing this work.
THIS TOOK MY ATTENTION OFF MY RECOVERY BEING #1 PRIORITY, AND SO LAST NIGHT AT 1:30, TIRED AND ALONE, I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE FIGHTING-MY ATTENTION WAS NOT THERE. And I fell. Simple.
DOV said in an email that you shouldn’t run to do tshuva so fast w/o thinking who you are and what you did- he said you have to try on the truth like a shirt first. It's ingenious.
So I know I can recover better. I know iv'e got the motivation, tools, skills, friends, resources, cheese… . So I'm gonna push off my #1 priority to fully recover for say a week, and make it #2-not by choice-rather, I just have to accept the reality of what Hshem's givin me right now.
So if you are well learned in star wars torah (asur to say that?) you'll know that several times in all 300 movies and 90 books there is a concept of where a fallen jedi goes into exile, for introspection, to take it easy and rebuild his values and goals. So me, little old tzaddik90, I'm gonna do that too. Don't worry, I'll prob. fold in 5 minutes and check the thread and other's-still, iv'e gotta really get back together.
Gee, I feel bad for the moderators-having to check a 1000 word post like this one, just in case s/o in the middle of the boring part says he's gonna jump off a building or s/thing. Or worse, like threaten to upload an avatar of Mahatma Ghandi at the age of 101 with that spindle picture and bring down the whole network.
Still hovering bye, jedi in exile, Tz90
i LEARN MORE BY THE DAY HOW TO STOP FIGHTING AND SURRENDER to god, i feel i dont have it yet, i'll get there......
