Shabbos is coming. This holy day unfortunately always throws me into depression. don't have time now to explain why, but point is its starting to set in my little brain right now.
I need support from any hands on deck at GYE. Im working on the inyun and am not gonna fix it overnight, but i just need a little friendship to keep me till motzai shabbos. Not embarrassed to say, and Im anyways gonna decide now that i wont let my feelings get out of control, hashems with me, and everything will be alright. ill be besimcha as best as i can. this isnt gonna be some amazing profound 100page thread, its just right now i need a little, yeah, you know already.
Ive gotta log off but will check later.
Help.

can you elaborate a little more on what the problem is?

We're here (hopping in and out).

Hang in there.

E

Here's the requested elaboration for Rebbe Zemiros Shabbos:

The real root of everything is that i grew up amongst terrible child abuse. Although now im married to a tzaddekes bas talmid chach', with kids, i still experience problems that at this point indirectly stem from my past. Although I worked on my past far enough to receive the tools to do the rest on my own, i still too often need to utilize these tools in order to stay afloat. At times, my problems get difficult enough that i am forced to plumb the very depths of myself and the wisdom endowed to me, and i come out with a solution that gets me back on my feet even better than before; so i actually am improving greatly.
  In this case, it is a chulint of growing up with a lack of love from my parents (can u imagine what that's like!), low self esteem in a dakisdik way, and the fact that i move two years ago to a neighborhood which did not even provide me with the very basic level of neighborliness.
I have no sense of belonging here, no one would notice if i moved tomorrow, mamesh. Most people here are a very serious type of israelis, and even my neighbors never yet introduced themselves. The sparse americans here are way above my age and arent necessarily too inclined to do more than the head nod.

There is one unbelievable tzaddik here that you  know who is one of the "Global Moderators" of our very beloved GYE, and without their little encouragement here and there, i'd be mincemeat. There is not even one person here who speaks english, whose my age, of any type of culture, mamesh, and ive tried all the shuls here mamesh.
    THE WORST TIME FOR ME IS SHABBOS, BECAUSE ALTHOUGH IN SHTARK SHULS THE POINT IS NOT 2HAVE SOCIAL GET-TOGETHERS, NONETHELESS IT IS REALLY A SUBCONCIOUS REALITY CHECK THAT ASSURES YOU, DEEP INSIDE YOUR MIND, THAT YOU HAVE A SEAT IN A SHUL S/WHERE, AND THAT SOME YANKELE GIVES YOU A GOOD SHABBOS AFTER MAARIV. MY THRUST-I DONT HAVE THAT.
So when im reminded of it friday night, i get thrown into a depression, and i mimaila dont go to shul on shabbos! 1+1=5. And so for the guy who needs friends a bissel more, its not a matzav. My old therapist and best friend assured me that this is not a unhealthy problem, but rather a quite legitimate regular issue.
I know, i need to move-working on it-it wont be though before 2nite.
I know, if i pump up my self esteem even more and call friends, and pump it up here on gye it helps. O, i know! Its quite the lifeline in a way.
Anyhow, this is the personal unique nisayon that i am undergoing right now. In a second i will post about how im doing, an entirely different matter.
When i sing (by myself-rub it in!) i will think of you guys.
Help.

Here's how im doing. Little background, skip to see maskana:

From my previous post i mentioned that i had a difficult past;this basically settled signifacantly less only when i got married-and even then it haunts me when im on phone with my mother and hear her plight, or try to modified by me!who is living at home still,and more. There's nothing like it, b"H i have ten million blessing in life to counter this.
    Now you can understand how i got into lust addiction (for gye). well, come to mention it, it also got me into alchohol (AA), some really cool pills (NAR ANON), fetishism, and some pretty undesirable aveiros in the arayos dept. B"h, Ive moved past almost everything, mamesh. Im at a point where if im clean, like now, then i wont even look at women on the bus, etc.-but if i fell, c"v, then not only is it garaunteed that id do lust until id halt myself, but moreso i could even have the desire to "actualize things in a more physical sense, involving another" we shall say. It happened twice to me this (both this year) year, to harbor such a desire-once, i was approached by family woman friend (!)that one was 95% their fault-BH i was misgabeir each time. My marriage is great, learning fantastic, etc. Still, i have stress and get depressed "po visham", and im working on those too, quite seriously. From these stresses i have the base for my nisyonos. I know, simcha is the secret (Bards) and im improving mamesh in that area.

But here comes the crux of it all:
When I get depressed or worried, i instinctively want to self medicate myself. If i lust or have some cheap vodka, i could attain that sensation of escape, be it for five minutes or an hour.

  My breakthrough in changing this behavior came recently. You see, from my own sweat and blood, i already had many of the beloved twelve steps in place. However, there was nothing better than improving my attitude to a signifacantly higher one. It all finally clicked in my little brain better than before.

This was what happened-I started feeling depressed two weeks ago, a relapse of depression from 4 months ago. And so, i healthily called up my best friend to receive some much needed chizuk. This is what he said:

"Tzaddik90, you know what makes me feel confident that you'll come out of this one quickly? Because when you came out of the last one, I FELT LIKE YOU REALLY GOT ALL THE TOOLS YOU NEED TO NAVIGATE IT-SO YOU'LL DO FINE".

This was brilliant chizuk-one, it empowered me that i will do a great job, BUT MUCH DEEPER than this, it communicated to me that IF YOU JUST HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS, YOU CAN CRUISE THROUGH THE darkness until the end of the tunnel.

This means to me, that when i get depressed, and i start worrying about the infamous yuch feeling in my mind, and i instinctively consider my options for escaping, I HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUST PASSIVELY SIT IN MY LAZY BOY (i don't really have one) and relax. And instead of projecting how im going to feel yuch until eternity, i project that ill come out of this one, just like the last time. And then i just learned how to get used to SITTING IN MY LAZY BOY and enjoying the challenge of the experience.
Then, my R' Shlomo Freifeld book (purchased this week for 105 shek) and Bards simcha secret created quite the dynamic duo to brainwash me into being happy with my state of mind, and to just laugh it out.
It got so laughable that i started laughing during shmoneh esray at one of my own jokes (pretty interesting you say?)-and i let myself, and imagined that this gufa is the ratzon hshem. Talk about a brainwash-more like a brain surgery!
What i am describing is not an emotional high that will disipate, but rather a new change in my intellectual state of mind,that will program all of my thoughts  and actions. I don't feel the impulse to do lust or have some of my cheap whiskey (red label-your'e not even drinking like a gentleman with that stuff!) nearly as much. It is now controllable.
And now, here's for GYE's role-
1)the support is unbelievable-i have all you guys behind me.

2)The chizzuk e-mail from yesterday, from Rebbe Ben Durdaya, gave me incredible insight-to use my memory and experience of when i feel good to navigate this depression, this mochin dikatnus, and just sit tight and laugh it out, instead of living in the katnus depression mentality, and to project gloom and sickness.
3)And Bards simcha secret, im just getting high on the stuff.
4)Divrei T' from the boys, yosf hatz/zem' shabbos, and ev. else-they are poshut road signs when youre mind feels lost
5)And as Bards typed to EBD this week, great writers write until their fingers bleed; and so this explains this little piece you see here.
I may not be able to check here again until motzai shabbos here in EY because i gotta do a little SPONJA! yipee! That's something you guys lack on the east coast, huh? We'll see how i do till then-im gonna GIVE IT MY ALL. Im happy i shared this all with you-now when u see me around you can chap a little more how my world looks-with good streaks and then the bumpy times, when i feel vulnerable.
The prolific writer with the bleeding fingertips,
your friend,
Tzaddik90

Take this from a social butterfly (that's me )

Everyone needs friends

Everyone

And don't think ppl are born with magnetic pull

U think I attract freinds

No

I work at it


U live in a new neighborhood

Its tuff

Hey

Call a neighbor

Say man I'm going to tha mahkolet can I buy u sumething

I'm going to the dry cleaners can I drop off something


In 2 years did no one invite u to a simcha

Did no one die ?

Of course u were invited

But u said heh they are being formal

They don't need me

*news alert* they need u

Why? Cause u matter

Did u menachem avel a neighbor

Or visit a sick one

I daven in a chassidih thumping pumpming shul

Shabbos is the highlite of my week

But if a neighbor needs minyan

I go

So I daven ashkenaz
So I daven from a tranliterated arstcroll

So I sing yankee doodle for lecha dodi and carlbach for mizmor shir

I'm a neighbor

A freind


U gotta do things


Life has ups and downs

We gotta focus on the good


Who are u punishing by not going to shul

The rov? The shammes? The gabbay? The guy who brings all his kids and their freinds and takes all the seats?

Who??


U punish urself


Stop punishing urself


You wouldn't let others punish u like that



And look for a friendlier shul

B

Moiradige!

It's Erev Shabbos -no time for GYE.

But I'm in awe of your accomplishments.

I'll have to read your posts again B'iyun when I have time and Yishuv HaDa'as.

Have a good Shabbos,

Your neighbor,

EBD

PS I do speak English, but from the way I dress you just assume that I don't! But I am one of those rude ones who בשיטה don't say Git Shabbos! NOT!!!!!!

ben D', b bikesh'

As 4 u Bards, if i only had more time id read your post better and then give u a potch, a loving one
But the egged bus leaves in ten minutes, going to never never land for shabbos
Off i go onward in the adventure of my life,
Tzaddik90

Hi Tzaddik!

I was just thinking about your post, where you said that sometimes you won't go to shul on Shabbos out of depression.

I just remembered a conversation that I had quite a few years ago (somewhere between 5 and 10) with a chashuve rav.

I was living in a developing neighborhood (which is now very developed, but I have since moved to a different neighborhood) and at the time there was a shul that split off from the local 'Chanichei HaYeshivos' and opened their own minyan. At the time the disagreements between the Gabboim of the shuls (the old one and the break-off) seemed very frivolous, as the mispallelim were more or less of the same background etc.

The rav told me, "Pinkt Farkert, we need them to open many more shuls, even shuls that the common denominator between the mispallelim is the fact that they are disgruntled with Rabbanim (this rav, BTW was a down to earth chassidish rav in a predominately litvish area, he was -and is -one of the most beloved personalities by all, and he wasn't the subject of disgruntlement by anyone. On the other hand there are a number of shuls that were opened by people who felt that they were looked down upon for being (shudder) Baalei Batim, or shtissim like that). Do you know how many young men -who you see in the street, and figure that everything is just hunkey-dorey with them -daven b'ychidus in their homes Shabbos, just because they are depressed and figure -and unfortunately correctly so -that nobody will notice or care if they are in shul or not? I do know! Any new small shuls that will open are a tremendous blessing, because hopefully that way people will start to feel a part of things."

I hope your Shabbos was good, and I look forward to being in touch.

My heart goes out to you.

Hang in there, and KOT!

Your friend,

E. ben Durdayah

[quote="ben durdayah" link=topic=3454.msg94873#msg94873 date=1296382392]


I was just thinking about your post,-you were michaye me!

I just remembered a conversation that I had quite a few years ago (somewhere between 5 and 10)
-acc. to Zemiros shabbos last week, this had taken place when you were well over 160 years old

people who felt that they were looked down upon for being (shudder) Baalei Batim, or shtissim like that-
kind of my situation, im "AMERIKAI"!Rach' litzlan, also my in laws live cross the street, so everyone assumes that cuz of that i dont need anyone else[/i]).

Do you know how many young men -who you see in the street, and figure that everything is just hunkey-dorey with them -daven b'ychidus in their homes Shabbos, just because they are depressed and figure -and unfortunately correctly so -that nobody will notice or care if they are in shul or not? I do know!
-that's me, baby!-E! you were michayeh me again

Any new small shuls that will open are a tremendous blessing, because hopefully that way people will start to feel a part of things."-doesnt look itll happen here too soon...u see, the chaneechai here had a split too, making a seperate minyan for thebalei batim/off color chasidim who still converse in yidish in the mikve but ride a motorcycle wearing pink shirts (like u)-but i still dont fall into either minyan-but you really chop, yasher koiach

I hope your Shabbos was good, and I look forward to being in touch.
-you were michye meisim with this one!-the one who studies your words carefully, tz90

From my last post, u see i still dont chap the intricacies of quoting people and the like, will improve.

To whom it may concern, I am doing well. Went away for shabbos, davened in shul! the real challenge will b when im home next week.

This is not a thread that i intend to keep up, yet if some special people have looked at it now, then i might as well tell u a little more info. about myself; this way u can help me better, and more so, MAYBE I CAN ASSIST SOMEONE ELSE who can relate to me.
So here goes:
If there's any place and time in the world that i can comfortably share s/thing about a sexual disorder, its here and now. This IS gye isnt it. I do fell uncomfortable about this because what im going to share will, in my mind seperate me from everyone else here and make me "the sick guy/the weird one". No, never had a ta'avah for men, thats not what i refer to- rather, i refer to FETISHISM (gee-you didnt have to bold it!).

I know that several million americans have this. It means several things. To me , it means that not only are my triggers from women, but also from the object of the fetish. If id see it in a store, it would cause me an association with a women and start the lust process.
If, worse, id see a person wearing it, it triggers me to want to ____with that person. I know some guys here must have such a recount, but ive never even once found s/one who admitted it, because like i said, it goes beyond the line of p***/women, to things that we connect with them.
This has been a major trigger more than anything in my life. I dont need it to _____like a true fet***, but its still very "triggerful"-it can mamesh take me in 5 seconds from clean to falling five times until i even begin to fight back.

Doing research last year, i found out theres NOTHING to do for this-the G*Y*M said "hey-if it deosnt ruin your life then its not a problem, so why fix it....". The other option is SHOCK THERAPY. Yipee! sign me up! Im not chasing people, its just part of the whole fray.
So far this was my success in this parsha-1)don't look at it
2)dont look at any women
3)chill out
In fact, the heilige handbooks THREE SECOND RULE, ALERT AVERT AFFIRM, i read it last night and it mamesh saved me today on the bus one bigtime save (3 points)
I had an awesome, kadosh week last week but then motzai shabbos, i made myself problems in a way that it started from something mutar, ainee yachol lihaarich, but let this be a warning! Anything that can make you lust is no good, anytime, and even when s/things mutar, it cant be mutar to do s/thing that gets u 2 sin, so there.
I saw in heilige handbook that once an addict, always an addict. It actually made me feel good, cuz now i know i always cant look/must be on gaurd, even from that object (by the way, the halacha's its assur to look a bigadim shtuchin bikosel,eyin ev' haezer 21(oh, i have semicha to paskin, did i tell you...)-thats MY halacha that i describe here, v'dok. For my addiction, i even used to steal this object, like a mag. to me, in order to do aveiros, vianee yachol lihaarich.

Now 4 the other spin on tzaddik90-i almost never fell from internet, maybe 5% in last three years (but before that it was prob. 40%/the fetish 55%, mags 5%)-the addiction by me can be worked out by writing stuff, ainee yachol lihaarich/afraid of moderators, and so even filters arent my fortress-only not looking at the triggers and keeping the Yh in his slimy filthy repulsive, wormhole.
Now im back up- not 100% but in right direction. Stam, davening causes me stress from saying the words, complicated, and im getting better at this, i think. No, its not ocd, but yes, its a problem.
As i used to say when i spoke more roughly, If i have to ,i'll fight this battle to the end-at least ill d*e in a blaze of glory. Eyin bi "wolfenstein", kiyadua liyodei chein.
Your comrade, who fights ruthlessly by your sides,
                      Tzaddik90

tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:26:

I don't know about that being Rachmana Litzlan, I live in a distinctly non-American zone and there are at least two or three American expatriates in each of the buildings around me (maybe it's because we're a Chassidish neighborhood)

tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:26:


If my in-laws lived across the street, not only would I need other people, I'd probably need a whole support group!

tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:59:

Yeah, it takes a while... practice makes prefect perfect.

But even so, remember, it's no big deal if you don't format your texts in an eye catching way. The main thing is that you get what you want to say out from the bottom of your heart .

tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:59:

Good for you!

tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:59:


Makes sense! Looks like a decent recipe for success... hmmmm, maybe I should try that one

And the three second rule is a sanity preserver.

tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:59:

Join the club...

We could open a whole Beis Ho'Raah here on GYE.

I am looking for a chavrusa....

KOT! You're doing great!

E. Ben Durdaya

Dear Tzaddik90,

What you describe is very common. 

Regardless of what our Nisayon is, we can use the tools of the program to stay clean, one day at a time.

Hatzlacha!

Kedusha, i copy.

[quote="ben durdayah" link=topic=3454.msg94900#msg94900 date=1296403011]
tzaddik90 wrote on 30 Jan 2011 13:26:

How about a chatzos kabbalah shiur too, anyone up for some spicy OTZROS CHAIM, with a little sugar from the masok midvash.
Or maybe youd prefer the Honorary etz chaim, for the real heavy hitters.
Or maybe we should just blog our brains out here on GYE until we become clean LIGAMREI. I like that one. im sure GYE would be in the sur mayra if they had it.
      Oh, and ben durdayah, i thought about you alot on shabbos, i was afraid the rain would ruin your shtreimel.....
Tzaddik90