third post, brief:
i know that i live my life by self will and self propulsion, being god, and that is what causes all my stress. My state of mind is that i can get what i want, and if not i just need to exert more effort. The problem is that all too often when i collide with something bigger or more powerful than me, then i lose. all my effort cannot make the bus come on time or my wife to act the way that i want. I have to crush my disgusting ego who screams that he is god of the universe. i have to crush him! So this yom tov, my babay was sick, needed medicine. there are two options-give medicine up the back end, or with a syringe down the throat. I said to do the suppository, bec. it's almost garanteed to stay in the baby, whereas giving medicine orally the baby could throw up the stuff. Wife wanted to give it orally. I told her my logical view. without reason she didnt listen to me, the god of the world. So she gave him the medicine orally, and three minutes later baby threw up the medicine and i said told you so, and why didnt you listen to me...  .
What really happened here?
1) i think i'm God
2)therefore, my subject (wife) must listen to me. you see, im more of a rahsa dictator
3)they didnt listen
4)baby threw up medicine, vindicating me that i am god
5)i said told you so
6)wife cried
_____
i needed to be in control, and when i collided with my wife who had different plans about the medicine, i was shown that my reign was threatened. I needed to be in control, so even when it didnt go my way, i needed to say told you so.
this is all instead of surrendering my ego, letting go and letting god in regards to the medicine, and stop trying to effect things with my hishtadlus.
Dr. Yona Pollack told me, based on serenity prayer and the steps, that we are permitted to do hishtadlus, ie. it is MUTAR to try. But the moment we allow ourselves to feel like because of our hishtadlus we are in control, that is when we have begun to lose control, and eventually collide with and be crushed and humiliated by our tantrums about medicine being given orally or not. Humiliated, acting like a baby. That's what i am. an immature person. a baby, who throws tantrums.

tzaddik90/Special Weapons And Tactics wrote on 26 Apr 2011 07:20:


Gut Voch heiligeh chaver!

So, everything you wrote above is surely true. In certain respects we certainly are babies and our occasionally obscene pride is actually our biggest problem. It certainly is a huge impediment to having and maintaining normal, useful relationships.

However. You gotta take it easy here, brother. There is really no need to crush and kill your ego, disgusting as it may be.

All we really need to do is walk away from it. By taking different actions - usually actions that are very unnatural. In fact, often the more unnatural they feel for us, the better. But take it a bit easier, please...

And if I am sorely misunderstanding what you wrote above, please forgive me and ignore all my drivel.

Furthermore, there is something precious here that you may be overlooking:

The target is your old and predictable ego, yes. And yet the weapon (Special Weapon And Tactic, in your case ) cannot be the same old weapon you have been using till now: your power. Lo b'chayil, v'lo bekoach...ki im b'Ruchi, amar Hashem, etc....

Remember what happened to the Tanna who used to say "an arrow in the eye of the yetzer hora!" He didn't do very well, the Gemora tells us.
 
As long as we keep trying to kill it and bash our defects, we are doing the right thing - but in the wrong way. We are perpetuating the pride that got us into trouble in the first place. Instead, we need to start getting used to living a different way - and get used to doing that in a different way, too.

The R'MCh"L [Choker u'Mekubal, and eksewhere] writes that the exact manner in which Hashem goes about creating something is tied to the nature of the thing he is making, itself. It actually establishes the particulars of what He is making. We are a tzelem Elokim. 

This is very much the case in our recovery. We learn patience - only by exercising patience (even with ourselves); we learn humility - only by exercising humility in the learning process itself; we learn how to truly love others - only in a truly loving way.

To some this may sound like this compounds difficulty upon difficulty - "Well, now. You are making the difficult into the impossible!" Nothing could be further from the truth, chabibi.

The best we will ever get by bashing the heck out of our YH, pride, or whatever it is we need to be free of....is believing that we have even more power. And that's more pride! To anyone who has ever taken the path I am describing, this becomes a very simple and humbling trip. We might not like it, but it gets us to where we need to go, not to somewhere else... 

most important post iv'e ever written, by the grace of God
REAL POST: VERY IMPORTANT/very very interesting (from the objective viewpoint):
I will try to be brief for all our sake.
God has given me unmeasured kindnesses these last three days, and maybe telling it can help another. It contains such important things for recovery.
Brief;
1) I have never chosen to be attracted to kabbalah or mekubalim. Yet, as one of the tzadikim in EY told me (a best friend of R' Gamliel, R' Shraga S.) my neshama is mushrash in sod, and in my previous gilgul i was learned in kabala. Very nice. So what? It means that this is the language of my soul through which God speaks to me directly. If i hear s/thing from the Ari, or R elya lopian, R lopian just doesnt penetrate, and the Arizal does. This is a spiritual reality. Established fact in my spiritaul genetic makeup. It has nothing to do with R lopian, and yes, i read his biography.
For whatever reason related to the above, God has sent me many messages through these pipelines, from tzadikim or unfortunately sometimes mekubalim from the side of tumah. Yes, i read faith and folly, and i learned almost the hard way what R hillel really means in that book. I know people in my extended family whose lives were ruined from one such person who lives in Ey, who happens to be a wonderful person on the outside.

2) due to my background of abuse, etc. , I had many issues to repair, among them was an identity crisis. Additionally, in the begining of this thread, you can read how i suffered a bout of depression of loneliness, since i live in a neighborhood with no friends, or people my age mamesh.
To fix this the wrong way, i decided to "make friends" by learning various torah and then joining the group of that genre. ie. I learned R nachman's sefarim and then davened by breslov, etc. This was a mistake because i learned the hard way that im not breslov, litvish, chasidish, etc.-i am only myself, and i had to learn that the hard way. Thank God, GYE solved my identity crisis, how is not for now.
So one of my costumes was that i learned kabalah and joined the mekubalim. Because of my outward good middos and an extraordinary set of events, my plan worked, until reaching a cresendo, and then i fell from very high and got extremely damaged. Part of God's plan, or the sitra a's plan that God allowed, was that i was led deeper and deeper into this kabalah until it almost killed me.
How did my plan 'work'?
Simply, my own rebbi unexpectedly told me to learn shomer emunim hakadmon, and i wrongly took this as a liscence to learn anything in kabalah.
then, i went further because i saw an enticing sign which invited anyone to an introductory class for kabalah terms. cool. It was not run by chrxtians but by someone who said he was in shar hashamayim, R shmuel Auerbach's yeshiva. That was seemingly for sure a liscence, since it was for me from the gadol hador's own yeshiva, right?
I met the rav, and was accepted in the shiur. It turned out to be a shiur on kisvei ari, otzros chaim and shaar hakavanos. I learned almost entire otzros chaim, plus bought and learned parts of ramchal, leshem, sharei orah, da'as tvunos, and more.
In addition, another mekubal with well known sefarim also encouraged me to keep trucking in pardes. Also, a talmid of the mekubalim of Yeshivat Hashalom agreed to chazer otzros chaim with me on shabbos, and we did.
Cruising full speed, i was reaching real incredible heights. I did not even look at women for a year. My aura was clean. I began to see tzelem-aura fields. R abuchatzeera read my partzuf and said i was doing great. My rebbi said i had reached such a good madrega that he can tell i was kadosh for a year. Plus, he said i thought about Hashem more than almost anyone in Ey, and Hashem loved me for that too.
I began to see blue shcheenatic visions, and got hasaga during tefillah. I would mamesh be zocheh to see visions and images of tzaddikim in gan eden, etc, and shchinah. O rosh hashana during shmoneh esray, i saw tha avos and neshamos from the holocaust, and more.
To approve all this, my rebbi, who is not from the evil side, rather he is of the known tzaddikim of meah shearim, said and knew all that i had seen and felt, and he said it was all real (at that point) from the side of kedushah. Each time i reached a new madreigah, my rebbi would guide me. During this time as well, Hashem introduced me to several unknown hidden of sorts tzaddikim of yerushalayim, all men who are the type to save klal yisrael from possible natural disasters, etc.,  that we are not even aware of, all whom give secret messages to r elyashiv, etc.
3) And then, i fell hard. Hardest of my life.
Why?
Well, this is what my symptoms were-i fell into a mega depression. I fell deeply into lust and even prosecutable actions in that area. I began to get such RID that i had ocd of the mind, with recurring thoughts. I stopped davening most of tefillah and some days i waited till the last moments to put on tefillin, i just couldnt do it. My anger rose. My self esteem dropped. I became despicable in my own eyes. My torah learning began to meet unexplained dysmal failure, i couldnt concentrate. i could not even learn at all at times, or it would just give me RID and drive me into my addictions. My addictions were primarily lust and spending money. then, alchohol and doubling dosages on anxiety pills came too as cross addictions.
My life torn. My friends confused. My wife in such agony, not understanding why i was irate or what i am doing. Yes, i am a 'nice guy', so even then i did not let my marriage get anywhere near divorce chas vishalom-nonetheless, my wife was so confused and just anging in there like a tzaddeikes.
4) I began desperately my own therapy, called regression. I did major chilling out and very slowly nurtured myself an inch at a time, sometimes an inch over a whole month. I was shown GYE by a fellow GYE. I did not think i needed it till i fell again into depression in the first post in this thread. Even then, i needed the friends here, but didnt think i had lust addiction at all.
I stopped all chumras, did everything bi'dieved, and skipped 75% of the davening every day.
Although I healed my body, my neshama was flailing, without needed doses of torah and mitzvos to nurish it. Plus, from being in gan eden haelyon and then falling to sheol tachtis, i couldnt handle not being able to do the mitzvos and avodah i loved so much, and this made me worse. So for this i employed somthing from R' Nosson of breslov, to do a tzimtzum to my seichel ,as if i had never done any mitzvos in my life and knew nothing of any holy levels. This worked.
5) GYE became my lifeline mamesh. At the same time, i severed all connections from the tzaddikim and mekubalim, even my own rebbi. I was afraid to be confused from them again, and instaed of following messages sent to me rom heaven through these tzaddikim, i decided there was one secure path of recovery left to me-the regular, "work hard and therapy" way.
6) I get more aware by the day, posted about my every self insight as they came from God. My inches grew into feet.
7) Moving faster and faster in recovery by the grace of God, i found SA. The SA meetings, 12 steps, sponsor, and fellowship helped me reach such repair that i almost do not have those previous dreaded symptoms. I learned all the seeds for my so far success in SA from months of GYE. Without gyeand the forum wisdom, the moderators, bards, and friends, i would be in the dark. But all that helped me jump into the program and SA on the right foot.
I learned to surrender my lust, my knowledge, my ego, my recurring thoughts till they left me, my anger, my need for self control, my fears. I bacame more religious in a way vaguely reminding myslef of the sincerity i once had, if i ever did have it. God concoiusness is again becoming part of me, now in a more stable healthier way. My depression and friends and usefulness, and so much-it is healing me so much in ways i was always lacking.
I was originally like the nasa ship that fly heaven bound with all the needed circuitrly, piloting, and more. And i did reach heights of tzaddikim, at the age of 25. I did. And then, my nasa ship exploded (appolo 11?) because of one minor problem-the little rubber 'O' rings were frozen, or in my case, i was not emotionally healthy, nor spiritually healthy to learn kabalah, which is reserved only for men of great GENUINE and LASTING levels.
I WAS nice. I DID have emunah and all the nice things you need to be mitayel in pardes-except for the deepest things possible within me. Those i did not have. Most people who are regular have them . I was not regualr and did not.
8) Now, i say to you, thank you. I no longer need SA or GYE. just kidding. I probably got your heart to skip a beat. My bad. I meant to say the exact opposite. Now, i say to you, thank you. Because now i know i have weaknesses and that i have a big ego and it is ruining my life and the life of others. Now, on this horizon, Godhas shown me incredible things the last three days, and i must share them because someone can gain and survive from it. It is not only my desire to share these discoveries, it is a responsibility.
9) The concepts of ego, and assering self will and acting like God to run my life, thay are all knew to me. Sure, i read these things in Torah, but this is the forst time in my life that the seeds are planted to have real actualized humility, not just reading th igeres haramban, feeling and acting the part. 0.0001%, but it is there by the grace of God.
By reading the big book and 12 and 12 and white book, and SA, and by seeing non-jews of other faiths more devout and religious and humble then myself, this has planted those seeds. And tidbits from my friends on GYE, and the razor sharp posts of Dov (and RAGE and me3), every one of them. And phone calls and emails. All of that.
So i am on the very edge of the threshhold of a new world called humility.
10) so in friday i saw a lashon in the SA lit. which said 'surrender your ego". This lashon impressed me so much, i began to say it that day, till i said it about a hundred times over the day, and it made further inroads on my ego.
Remember, i am about to throw you deeply into the supernatural and kabbalah again, so let me remind you some necessary facts to appreciate the following stories and discoveries.
a)    for months i took the regular work hard track, received no instructions from tzaddikim etc.
b)    I got tools from GYE, SA, and not at all from kaballah. i didnt even touch it. I worked with Roy K., Billy W., my catholic sponsor who is a priest, and acted 'regular'.
11) Then........
this shabbos God had me go to a bar mitzvah of a cousin who learns kabalah by R Itchie meir morgenstern. Cousin is chabad. okay. So what.
By shalosh seudos there were tow massive mekubalim there, mamesh hidden tzaddikim, to whom everyone is like an open book to them. I kid you not. There was also a phsychic there who reads aura's and is famous in israeli secular culture, and he is chabad ba'al tshuva so he wound up at this meal too.
But, being cautious, i knew i would not talk to them. I had my tools from SA, they were working. If it aint broke, dont fix it. I even wrote a post reflecting this just before shvi'i shel pesach. eyin sham. you can see there how much i mean i am cautious.
12) Using healthy logic, and seeing this idea in a post of dov's, i said that it just so happens that by doing all this SA stuff, it was working, but i was confused. So i will ask advice from a friend at the shalosh seudos meal for advice on how to reintegrate my head back into Torah with all the SA tools.
Asking this friend, he began to spew wisdom that was almost clear as day siyata dishmaya, advice form the high Lord, Hashem. Taking this grace of God as a cue of God's hashgacha and love for me, i healthily decided, al pi dov' post, and myself, that i can ask the mekubal there, R' D. for ADVICE, not to read my tzelem. Just advice from a gadol. And i knew tha no matter what they said, it cant knock my SA, because those SA tools were really working. So i would just view the tzaddik as a resource, a tool. If it helps you recover in same direction, great. If not, just drop what he said.
13) I sat next to the tzaddik, and said "who am i, and what should i do to recover?"
and this is what he said......
he asked my name, held my chin in his hand, got hasaga in front of me (i can spot what this sight looks like now), and said (he never saw me in his life, nor did i see him):
"avi, don't get upset at me, but you used to think that you were the melech haolam, king of the universe. Now, you think this a little less (thank you SA!!!), but this is your main problem. All your problems of anger, anxiety and lust come throught this. Therefore, by working on this, you will then reach that that you possibly can and do God's plan for you. It is ONLY through this that you can succeed.
There is a story with the Baal Hatanya, that there was a masmid in tzfas in those times who learned 18 hours a day. He met to talmidim of the baal hatanya and was so inspired that he packed up his family and moved to Europe, by the ba'al hatanya. Month later, these chassidim returned from EY, saw this man from tzfas had moved there, and they inquired about him from others. They found out that he still learns 18 hours a day, and has had almost no contact with chassidim or the rebbe.
So they went over to him and said 'we dont get it. In tzfas you learned 18 hours a day, and here too. nothing in what you do in your day changed at all. So why dont you move back to EY?
the man repied 'in EY i learned so much that i had a question. How does Hashem have enough reward to give me, i learn so much torah? The answer, i concluded, was that it can only be because Hashem is the kol yachol, he can do anything.
When i moved here by the rebbi, the answer remained the same, but the question changed. The question became 'how can Hashem stand to be with and see someone as disgusing and egotistical as me? and the answer must be, because he is the kol yachol, he has no boundries to his power.'
(the mukubal concludes to me) you, avi, are this guy. You, are a low person, an egotistical low person, a tola-at. a worm. work on this. Hatzlocha."
______
This, concluded stage one of the hashgacha pratis of God's grace upon me to help me with recovery. I was told by a tzaddik that i am low, and a worm.
______
14) At the formal weekday bar mitzvah last night at a hall, stage two came from God upon me.
Two GYE's called and wanted to meet me and hang out. sure i said. just come to this bar mitzvah and i'll come outside.
The Gye's came. Both were real heavy hitters of this forum. I mean it. Real GYE's, through and through, thick and thin.
We went to a park and one GYE asked if we could do an impromptu SA meeig on the grass. Following and saying by heart the traditions, we went around, all three, introduced and said our mo's and a share about our mo's. Then, we had a meditation type SA meeting. After meditating for three minutes, we each had a 2 and half minute share, with a timekeeper, about any thought that we can share related to why we all came to this park grass meeting. The shares were incredible. This GYE SA meeting was holy of holies. The mutual vulnerability and rigorous honesty, the desire for God to make us whole and not anything else, the emess, it was so real. It was so powerful.
Thank you guys. You two know who you are. And you, the second GYE, it was a pleasure to meet you. There are not enough good people like you in our world, and i mean it.
so this was unprecedented, but it drove even more home the ideas of humility, gratitude, and God. I am only on the  threshhold of humility, i want so much to come in. I know it can take time a long time, i must be patient.
But Thank you God, that GYE SA meetig was the most powerful i ever had, and you took my hand and led me another inch closer to you. Thank you, i have such gratitude. That was hashgacha pratis #2 if these days.
_______
15) further, a moderator told me through a messenger that i have weaknesses and that i must accept them.
This was revolutionary. I knew to surrender. i knew about my ego.
I thought and took several roads that surround and dance around the word ego.
But the middle road, that I have weaknesses and must accept them, that torpedoed my heart. direct hit. chain reaction, boom, boom, boom.
Thank you 7up. You are a sniper. A ruthless mighty warrior, slaying ego by the hundreds and RID anxiety by the thousands. Your hand always on the trigger, you shoot every time with the precision of an olympic marksman. You fearlessly humble and subdue your enemies, crushing them into oblivion. Your mighty sword fillettes your opponents, like fish in a blender. Never to be heard of again, you mark yet another victory to the ranks of God's armies. With sublime reverse psychology and innocent looking comments, you slam haughty ones into the ground, never to rise again with their heads held as high. My head pounds and twists from your help, and i can never repay you. May God repay you seven fold, like your essence and namesake of sheva yipol tzaddik vi'kum. words do not suffice. Each single word you send in this direction turns  into hours of gained time in recovery, healing, and God conciousness. Praised is your lot.
this was hashgacha pratis three.
______
16) At the bar mitzvah last night, after my GYE SA meeting, i went to the other tzaddik mekubal in residence, R' B.,  and told him that although i used to ask his help in helping me heal, i now am in SA, and it is moving me solidly forward.
and he asked my name again, said his yichud from sha'ak, ch' 4, and his body looked in that upwards way of hasaga receiving, and then his head sharply shook, and then he said to me, "i see your personal sefiros, and this is what i say....
you had gotten so angry because of your ego, that you had been pogeim your kesser; because kesser is ain, and you asserted yourself as ani, the same letters. since kesser feeds the kav emtza-ee, your tiferess died, and you could no longer gain tools from the torah (GYE-'why doesnt the torah work for me'-this is the answer, at least in my case-that my kli of Ta"t died!!! tell reb O and his posse, tell the world my story). furthermore, down the kav, your da'as became pogeim too as a result so whatever torah you already had studied could not help you since you lacked your own kli of da-as application. further down the kav, your yesod as a result became destroyed, and you fell deep into your old lust addiction to freightening levels.
when i saw you first, i said nothing because i thought you were beyond help, hopeless. The 12 steps, which is not Torah/tiferess, helped you lower your ego. As a result, your yesod improved and your now sober again, your da'as improved, your tiferess improved, and then your kesser.
You are not any longer on the front lines of the cheetzonim where your neshama was previously, but you are still in their range, you still tread to dangerously near them and you are in range of their snipers. You cannot have false security. You must keep on doing this ego lowering and exposing until you leave their range. Even then, you may not even touch any kabalah for ten years from this day. You are not ra-uy, you cant.It will kill you.
Plus, i must tell you something that you never knew. You learned kabalah because of your identity crisis. You moved deeply in until the chitzonim were ready to jump and kill you. If you had never done this during your identity crisis, you never would have had any of all the problems in these last two years. You ruined all of it. The word kabalah is bigimatria niuf, and mamon. One who is not ra-uy becomes ani, drives away the ain, attracts lilis, cohabits with her, and becomes tamei, gevurah turns into gevuros disitra achra, and he falls into lust, with his tiferess and daas and yesod destroyed. You would never know this. But in the real world of Hashem, this is simply what happened. Had you not treaded here, your problems would have been fixed another way. a better way. you made yourself get 5000 km off your path.
From now on, you must humble your ego, erase your anger. Only read books that are simple from the big mekubalim. like nesivos shalom, pele yoetz, sefer hamiddos......each simple word of these books were written by the greatest mekubalim ,and each word contains so much of kabalh and secrets-people would never realize.
One day you can be zoche to learn kabalah, but there are no kitzurey derech in avodas Hashem. The rav that encouraged you to learn kabalah, and others like him, they are dangerous. They ruin lives. Stay as far away from them as you can.".....
the tzaddik rav said more, no time to say, didnt understand it when he said s/thing else, it was showing me through letters, gematrias, my neshama, all my mistake in ego, the word skin/ohr is oseeyos rah with a vav, vav can represent the nachash,..... .
Then he said that the real essence of us is our God connection (bilvavi 101). He said he can read thoughts and most people that meditate quietly and are told to think of nothing just think about themselves, because they made their ego the deepest pary of themselves. And a healthy person should really be able to think about God, the deepest part of himself. And he said in recovery i cannot anymore assertively use the word "I", because it justs further makes me feel my deepest essence is my ego, and not God. He knew that on the forum the last few days i posted like this, and no, he's not on the forum.
17) and after all this, i come home. i was awed. humbled. i thought i acted nice and happy, patient to my wife. And yet, in a cmpletely unnatural way, she accused me of something i did not do, and critisized me and insulted me for half an hour. It was no non-sensical, i knew, i just knew it was from hashem to humble and lower me even more. I tried partially successful to navigate her words and just sit there and kindly answer her questions. It was supernatural. That was the experience. Then, she suddenly apologized. ? .
18) Hashem has given me these experiences, so much in these three days, that he is here. I sense him so much. I had forgotten him for so long.
I know, feel, experience he is here so much, guiding me from my depths, giving me tools that are compatible with whatever sefiros i have left inside of me, tailored for the last vestiges of spiritual power and connection within me.
I experienced the divine. I see that God's hand is outstretched to receive shavim. He still gives. He still watches. He still tenderly guides and nurtures, even in the lowest depths.
He orchestrated all this, mekubalim, GYE, SA, a chabad bar mitzvah, more, all to help me. His honor has risen. He, so great, still looks at me.
19) i must go. Help me, everyone, dont let me fall back into the grips of my ego., please. i dont ever want to go there again. help me go to ain.
When i used the word "I", even when lowering my ego, it just stifled me. Until 7up and the tzaddikim said that the "I" that i posess is low and has weaknesses, and is no honor to use.
20) God, you give me when i dont desetve, from kesser. For the things which are no good for me, you use the hanhagas hamishpat of the vav kitzvos, ze'er anpin. yet, to save my skin you give me from kesser, erech anpin, vichanosee ess asher achon, af al pi sheaino hagon, vireechamti ess asher aracheim, af al pi she-ainp hagon. Doesnt that describe our God's ways more better than anything else.
avi, who is who he is.

dov, i just read your previous post. i must read that again for night seder. wow!
as far as the above post, i see there is a smiley face in it, i swear i did not put that in there. it too was an act of God. maybe so that Gaurd wouldnt c'v pass out when he gets to that point, should he ever read it.
so dovon, walk away from the ego, dont crush it....

away we go!!!

tzaddik, did you begin that megillah with the word "brief"????
I havent read it yet, but is there a need to make a bracha b4 reading it?
maybe על מקרא מגילה

Read your post, Avi. It was a megillah, but well worth the read. Your path so far has been wonderful, ashrecha. I hope you never regret the stuff you have been given, especially of all of them your wife. And (in the same breath) your Torah.

But the ten years. Hmm. That may seem like a long time. Really it is not. I know a person who is doing something similar, just in order to get healed so that he might be able to be 'right' when he resumes his natural derech in a while from now. It hurts him terribly sometimes, seems unfair sometimes, feels impossible - especially when he remembers his natural desire. It just feels so bad.

But then he remembers that the reason he cannot 'just continue the way he was doing before' is because it did not work the first way - things were miserable. And then the waves passes. He regains the ability to accept his 'sentence' and that His Loving Boss is very, very Smart, indeed. This is the best path for him as he is, right now. And he is actually living it! Amazing.

Before, he was moving in the wrong direction, though he was feeling like he was doing the right things. Now, he occasionally feels he is lacking some of right things - yet he is finally confident that he is moving in the right direction! That's Teshuvah, no? If it felt perfectly natural to us and was the path of least resistance, how could it possibly be right?

Relax. But work hard. Smile a bit and watch the extremes. Take some pleasure in what you have got sometimes, and expect lots of help. One day at a time.

Gosh; nothing like some light reading before bedtime... :o
Can always count on R.A.M.B.O to cut to the chase.




I do? :o
I am? :o
I fillet fish? :o




No clue what you are talking about, but will always say Amen to brachos sent my way!


Avi, you've got what it takes.
Buckle down for good, old fashioned, honest, hard work -
and the inner world you seek will be yours.

very powerful posts here

I too yearn for the esoteric,the deep,the hidden,the realms sensed and intuited,the MRI vision of life,the knowing and feeling beyond the five senses, and beyond the three dimensions,the inner soul's world,

but what I have learned is that the key to health is to go back to the root

Simple Pshat.

That is the key to health.

The deepest of the deep have to go to the simplest of the simple.

that is the deepest truth......

yechida,
at end of the day, the ain sof is achdus gamur UPASHUT, bli ribuy, like you said

Dov, your post is like aquatherapy, that there's what we do, and also the direction in which it leads us
and i want to be in the right direction, and that's tshuva, to return to your source, head toward his direction, to attenuate his will and yours

and yechida, dov, 7up, to take the hard way

7up-all you said to TTYHFFD PoLJY53 was that i have weaknesses and must accept them

and that was inspiration for the whole above post
7up, Hashem is mizakeh al yiday zakay, so even by accident you may inspire someone, but that is bec. God loves you so much that he allows that tpo happen THROUGH you
so know that, and this is not the forst time it happened but in a 2 line email you also got me to join SA, i think it's also cuz you speak like a rishon

KOT!

wow!
you are fortunate to have such clear directives, both from the gedolim of GYE like Dov, 7up and yechida as well as the gedolim off GYE

I read your post.

I am speechless!

I...

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 28 Apr 2011 15:24:


Wow ZS, even I never managed to insult that whole group in one shot! Impressive!

Or did I accidentally misquote you?

Hi Tzaddik,
I just spent some time reading a small fraction of recent posts on your thread (including the "megillah"). I'm totally blown away. You are a very intense person, practically oozing with spiritual potential and sensitivity. I look forward to reading more and more of this thread.

B'vracha,
-Aryeh

Me3 wrote on 28 Apr 2011 18:51:

either that or your keyboard has gotten too much borsht spilled into it this Pesach...