On a more intriguing note, i pose you fellow readers with a riddle:   
What has three legs, cannot walk, and is a waste of time
What is something that is not necessarily seen by psychologists and experts?
Answer: anything.
 
Explanation: Reading the sa book this morning, i read the hitting bottom type ma'asele on page nine until 24.

This person describes how he had a lust addiction and even saw a psychotherapist, and yet, he did not discover that he himself was driven bottom by addiction until he saw the cover of a time magazine once come to his mailbox about AA.

    Suddenly, the little sprockets started turning, the lights blinking, the ..... Anyway, I realized that i myself had gone for therapy by a famous lecturer, unbelievable expert, for over a year and then half a year ago a bit, who i paid $130. 
    He does such good work that sometimes i felt that he did brain surgery on me, and then sprayed my head with that medical glue and sealed it up.
  What was so amazing about his work was that he'd listen to me pout, cry, and rationalize for a good forty minutes and then usually say a quite, 6 word sentence that would contain a particular word which desribed what i expressed so perfectly that

WHOOSH ,

i'd feel like someone just lifted off of my chest a 20,000 lb. block of cement.
  what does this have to do with us?

It is very connected to us- because one of the more subtle things we learn here at gye is a new addiction language, a shprach, si habla espanol.
   
Words like addiction, rid, trigger all help us attain deep and accurate self awareness, and solid connection between our minds and our deep subconcious thoughts through these words. The words carry within a nuclear power that helps us identify, articulate, and heal better. The koach of my top notch psycho doctor was to identify that word.

  This koach is mentioned in the gm' brachos, 4a-"kreisi upleisi, shekorsim umuflaim bidivreiehem".
   
So now that i identify myself as an addict with an addiction, i begin to reveal to myself new self-knowledge, plunging the depths of parts of my behaviors that were as of yet not fixed by even by great men of torah, kabbala, and psychoanalysis.

And that is the answer to the riddle-what is s/thing that even the best doctor cannot see in you?
    Anything, because no one really bar a few exceptions in history like the arizal, was the true x-ray machine.

  So you can go to the best shiny and red specialist in the world, and not be helped in entire areas of your inhuman, behaviors, that make your life unmanigable......and then a word like ADDICT can pull you through.
  Hafleh vafeleh.

As you can see, Hshem's helping me so much..........
ki liolam chasdo
Tears for Hshem, and a few for you guys, the one whose growing more now than in years,
Tzaddik90

Edb may be the dapper author, but i pride myself in being the diaper author, certainly not the deeper author....
Tam vinishlam bisheim boray olam, lag ba'omer, 1937

Tdadik90,

Feel good about yourself - youre on the right highway finally.

Keep trucking, get into  the passengers seat so G-d can drive unhindered, and keep these great GYE friends strapped into the back seat. Theyre along for the ride if you let them!


(Love your  signature )

The word "finally" in your post- i just love it! youre right!
tzaddik90,hagoan haadict hakadosh shlita, motz' di Uri pizza

Hi,
No problem. *big warm hug*

tzaddik90 wrote on 06 Feb 2011 15:12:

;D Indeed!

Self awareness is a beautiful thing. Perhaps even more beautiful, though, is when we can finally open up about our dirty secrets, and still feel loved and accepted. I know how much that helped me.

And you're right - there are realizations that we need to arrive at ourselves.

Have you been trying to figure out ways to make more connections in your neighborhood?

Rebeinu silent battles-in response to:" Have you been trying to figure out ways to make more connections in your neighborhood?"
__

Two weeks ago,when i approached erev shabbos with RID and ich yuch depression syndrome, i received 2 replies. One from Ben Durdaya, the other from Bards shlita.

Durdaya's gave me support and sympathy, while Reb bards made me fuming. It suggested different ways of making friends and that i did not yet do my full part here to make living in this neighborhood possible. That whole shabbos, i thought of durdaya's shoulder to lean on, and seethed at Reb bards' gvura dikdusha approach. That which durdaya said saved me that week.

But let me tell you, if not for Rebbe bardie's post too, i wouldn't have begun to heal the issue.
How? Reb bards wrote s/thing like "doesn't ever any1 die in your hood, make a chasunah..."?
This last week, one guy died, and his neighbor's making a chasuna and invited me-both in my building. BARDS THE PROPHET,HE MAKES THE LIVING DIE AND ALSO GET MARRIED!
So i started the healing by going up to the chasuna maker and said "i cant wait for the chasuna-i'd love to come". it made him feel million dollars.

Then friday night. i went and attacked 5 diff. people with a warm good shabbos, and let my face be known. I went to shul, enjoyed it, and who knows?-if i say gut shabbos to them a few more times, maybe one....THEYLL SAY IT TO ME FIRST! how exciting.

It gave me hope

So, sb, that's your answer. and instead of running away to friends every shabbos, i and my family are bli n trying to eat by diff. people in the shchuna-Dale Carnegie at it's best! Happy birthday(eyin his sefer to und.)!
    So kudos to durdaya 4the chessed and rebbe bards for the gvura-what do u get when you add it all tog.? The balance of the force.
may the force be with us-maybe when i walk through this i can pass this wisdom to the next person who needs it
tz90

hi tzadik90,
very happy to hear that you are making progress in 'attacking' people with greetings and life-cycle events. i hope they do not object to the M16 slung over your shoulder
and remember that if Rebbe Bards says something you can be sure it is being given with about 500mg of the essential vitamin called 'WATLITW'. (also known as With All The Love In The World )
You write really well and i enjoy reading your posts and i think that i also share your seforim buying addiction to a great extent. but honestly i never heard of likutei imrai yosef chaim meir elliott on bava basra (maybe i just didn't hit rock-bottom yet....)
keep up your great work!
ata hmotz hachi tov sheyesh bapitza Uri (vegam be'Amnon's)

I JUST NEED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW I AM SEETHING WITH UNBELIEVABLE ANGER. KAVEYACHOL, I FEEL LIKE hSHEM BY THE CHAIT HAEGEL IN THE WAY THAT I AM USING RIGHT NOW SO MUCH GVURAH TO NOT EXPLODE, DEFAME, CURSE, AND CAUSE MACHLOKESS.
MORE ON THIS LATER AFTER 330PMEY, BUT I MUST GO.

THIS IS A DISTRESS CALL TO ANY OF MY FRIENDS WHO READ MY THREAD TO HELP ME BEFORE I SEE THE INSULTER AGAIN AND CAUSE MACHLOKESS. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THIS RANKS AS THE #1 BIGGEST ANGER I CAN POSSIBLY HELP. IM USING THE STRENGTH OF NUKE POWER TO HOLD IT IN.
I DONT WANT TO CAUSE MACHLOKESS.AND YES THIS IS GYE RELATED BECAUSE I ACT OUT BECAUSE OF RID, SO GET MOVING (PLEASE!)

HELP.

I am here. For whatever that's worth...

E

Tzaddik

Its predawn here in US. I'm still in PJ's. What can I do to help?

I have no idea what's rockin ur boat. But u gotta chill. Anger and atzvoot it the YH back door option that will lead u back to never-never-land

So have a coffe with me. Unless u had some bread and tachiina (with shnitzal) for lunch

Nahh u can use creamer

Buddy

I'm here to help

Ill get on my GYE suzuki toos toos
Drive from bardstoawn to louisville to atlanta to jfk to bengurion bake on the toos toos
Up to knisat ha-ir

Wait for me by magen david adom

See ya

B

He, the Insulter,has no power over your life.

He , God , is the only One that gives to you or takes away from you,so it's wise just to work with Him,and ask Him for help

Of course,my words here fall short, because while you are in a situation it can be quite difficult

But still, thinking about this over and over will help.

The World of the Insulter is between him and God

It's his issue-not yours

He , the Insulter , has no business controlling your life

So try your best to let go of your anger,because by doing so,you are the one that is affecting your life in a positive way.

He , the Insulter , has no place in your world

(I don't mean you should kill him.I mean you should disregard him,because in the real scheme of things he cannot harm you in any way.Only God has such power)

Ebd, there's no one in the world that i'd rather have by my side than you, so you ARE worth something.

Bards, it is not wise to drive a toos toos in your pj's. It was raining this morning and you could have gotten sick. If you don't have a coat then lather your entire body in chumuss and you'll get warmer.
But bards, don't think i need a ride. I think im okay now. Correction, im in a managable state, not okay. Im just gonna take the bus home-hey, there's still time left on my ma'avar.

Yechida, i love your style. thanks for the lift. You and Torah are one.

MY STATUS:
Right now i'm feeling better, the diagphram's still a little tight from the unreal stress that i had from this all.  Did some breathing excersizes and popped a zanax candy, and the breathings back to par. Im happy and upset, no stirah, but no longer seething like a volcanoe.

The Story in real short:
Mother in laws...anybody got a good joke about em'. Well, there are jokes about pollocks and motherin laws for a reason.

You see, if u remember my past, my parents are alive B"H, but ive no relationship with them. Although i know they technically love me, but i cant even see it except rare ocassions. Not only did i grow up without love, i was abused, crushed, violated, beaten, and critisized.
I just saw gem' brachos 7b that Kashah tarbus ra'ah bisoch beiso shel adam yoser mimilchamess gog umagog.
I lived, from day one, in hell.
Every shabbos and yom tov was only worse.

I feel like a yasom, without parents.
Ive even told yesomim friends that id prefer to be yesomim of loving parents than of living belligerent ones.
My whole life i was used, destroyed, tortured, pulverized, cast aside and hefker.

I would cry many many times, soaking my pillow with tears, looking out the window at the big happy family next door.

OUR STORY:
when i got married, the abuse pretty much stopped and was managable. I was still an empty shell void of love emotion, and parental figues. When my great uncles would come to ey, i would stalk them, needing that feeling of a father figure(and still not getting it).

AND SO when i married, my in laws, who are wonderful people, became like parents to me. i became part of their whole family all living here in ey, all american, wonderful ppl. Their house is mine, their ears to listen, their time, and a ton of their love. They also get tons of nachas from me, as i am a guy who tries to make a kid' hshem, great at learning, etc. They even look up to me, and my shver has a notebook of things he learned from me.

Crux:
Recently, R' asher weiss, R' n. orloweck, and other rabbanim commanded me to go into a certain proffession in order to help them save klal yisrael. I got enthusiastic backing from gedolim, my wife, best friends, my rebbi, parents.
  However, my in laws just dont seem to get it. My shver is respectful of what im studying now and keeps quiet about his opinion. My mother in law keeps critisizing me and she even announced mamesh at shabbos meal a month ago how im a failure and she thought i'd become the next r' shach and now "not learning anymore"(btw im learning 1 seder kiddushin, finished 2 sdarim mishnayos, almost done w/ tanna dbei eliyahu, chazring brachos, and doing megillah in prep. for purim, but i guess im not learning..... ) .

for two years she was like my mother and suddenly she becomes the antagonist. She just cant understand. She also cant relate to her other daughter whose off beaten track but is a tzaddeikis.
Ive politely explained it to them, w/ my wife, sister in law.

So when she ridicules me, it makes me hate her to the deepest point. SHe is a person who loves people for what they do, not who they are.
aside which, im a great guy. gedolim love me. hshm loves me. why....everybody likes me!? Even my wife i treat nicely, not just others.
I do not need more abuse in my life. im done with it. So i have terms to make with my mother in law-either learn how to respect me for my choices (sounds as if im becoming gay c"V, rather im doing what the gedolim told us!geez), and keep her trap shut, and if she cant do this then bye bye relationship. i wont talk to you more than just the polite good morning.
Such a hatred
I am a broken vessel, and just because you dont know how to relate to people better that a five year old doesnt mean that it has to be part of my life.

I need help, bec. even though im here with her around, but deep inside me i feel the biggest rejection and betrayal. Ive been rejected by parents too many times. The pain is so much. I could cry now.
I need an approach how to enjoy and experience this part of my chelek. I know itll probably pass once she sees how i go and work with the gedolim when im done training (im supposed to work with one of them in partic.), but now i have to be happy, not so hurt, and get off of my chest this unbelievable hatred.

Im hurt. Please help me stand up and tend to my cuts and bruises.

sounds very painful
being rejected and not valued by close family is terrible, as you quoted from the Gemara
you are valuable and precious, not because of how you are perceived by the MIL or anyone, but because you are a precious neshoma and Hashem entrusted you with a unique job - to life YOUR life as best you can
(the gedolim entrusting you with a job is icing on the cake )

stand up strong and tall
maybe have a chat with the MIL at a quiet moment about how you feel with the new course your life is taking, explain to her your view and convictions
might not win her over but might be worth trying, especially if your wife is behind you in this

in any event we at GYE love you and stand with you

p.s. tell the MIL to go ask a shaila at Pizza Uri

She says it's treif-the hechsher's from the addict hakadosh, remember
if she'd come right now id have ta'avah to put lotsa pepper in her eyeson her pizza