THANK YOU, efshar...

i dedicate this one to you, bro:

i hate poems
i hate rhymes
i like lemons
dont like limes

gets you right there *fist on chest* doesnt it?

Efshar Letaken wrote on 14 Sep 2009 18:06:

lol thats awesome
Rage AT Machine wrote on 14 Sep 2009 18:14:

finally we are starting to see the depth in this guy
keep it up,big guy
youre making us all proud

-uri

Uri wrote on 14 Sep 2009 20:01:


hahahahaha...i like you, uri, because you kick back...

[/quote]
finally we are starting to see the depth in this guy
keep it up,big guy
youre making us all proud

-uri
[/quote]

thanks, uri! i wanted to say that SOOOOOOOO badly!

WARNING:THE FOLLOWING POST IS REALLY INTENSE.NOT MEANT FOR CHILDREN OR ANYBODY,REALLY


I have not been posting on my thread so much lately...
I am going through an incredibly rough time...
One of the hardest of my young life...

I am undergoing surgery,my friends.
Emotional surgery...
And theres no anestisia available...
This process takes quite a while,too...

Let me explain..
I have been living in a fantasy world for a large part of my life,as far back as I can remember actually.
I have always had my escapes,shells,etc..
My therapist has removed them.
How?
I'm not sure,to be honest.
But we did alot of digging deep,and we basically found pain and comfort.
The pain is insecurity and tremendous fear.
The comfort is sex.
But,as we all know,it is a false comfort,and it's power shrinks over time.
Bekitzur,it is not a healthy comfort.
The truth hit me like a blinding light.
I live in fear and I have a false comfort.
My therapist told me that our mission is to help me start living again,but without the fears,and I wont need the comfort.
Meanwhile I am allowed to use the comforts,at night only, self only.
Again,this is my personal strategy.Don't try this at home.
But something in me had changed,and drastically.
The next night,with his plan in mind,I felt a need for comfort and I proceeded to comfort myself...
But it did not work.
I was shocked.
And quite frightened.
I needed comfort!!
So I went at it again....
Nothing or barely anything,really....
My anxiety was rising by the moment!
I had a few shots of whiskey,hoping to allay the anxiety a bit.
I was chain-smoking ciggarettes...
Nothing..

You see for the first time in my life,I had nowhere to run.....
Because I was aware that it's not a real hiding spot....
Therefore,its hiding spot potential was removed.
I had nowhere to hide....
I searched my mind frantically for any escape I could think of,no matter how drastic.
My mind landed on sex(with a woman).
But my red line?!
Doesn't matter.
I have to go have sex.
I must leave these fears behind.
I can't bear it.
But deep down I knew
that even sex would not work anymore.
And what comes after that?
How can one escape the overwhelming pain at that point?!
I was afraid of the answer.
But my mind was a blur.I couldn't think straight.
I made a phone call(arrangements with a girl i know in tel aviv.but thats a seperate story).
And I got into my car and drove off,ontu the highway,to make the 45 minutes trip to Tel Aviv.
I could barely see straight through the tears that were poring down my face.
I felt like I had no control,no life,no security in self,nothing.
I was a ball of skin and air.
As I passed ramat shlomo,I made a decision.
How did I make it?Not sure.
I called up battleworn.
"Tell guard to call me.Quick.
It's an emergency."
I pulled into ramat shlomo and into the forest there,got out,and sat on the ground crying.....
I took out my phone and called mom.
"Hello",came her kind voice on the phone.
I didn't answer.
I tried to..
but nothing came out.
"Uri?"
"ya",i got out through my tears.
"Relax.Take your time.Take a deep breath.I'm here."
After a minute or so,i finally managed to say
"Mom.
I'm about to do something very stupid."
"Okay"
"I'm on my way to tel aviv,where im gonna have sex with a girl,and possibly after,hurt myself".
I was crying silently and steadily at this point.
"No youre not uri.Youre gonna stay right there,and were gonna talk this out."
And we did.
I was starting to regain my composure when I got a call waiting.
It was guard.
"Uri,I love you man."
I didn't have anything to say to that.
We spoke for quite a while.
"I just can't handle this roller coaster life.I don't want to do it anymore."
"Uri,why do people go on roller coasters?Aren't they afraid of dying?
The answer is that they are not,because they trust the maker of the roller coaster.
Uri,you are right.Life is a roller coaster.And you're on it,nothing you can do about that.
The decision that lays in your hands right now is:will you trust the One who runs the roller coaster?

I can go on about that night for a while.
Many brilliant things were said by a number of people.
These guys saved my life (literally).

And this is where I'm standing now.
Will I live life?
Will I trust life?
Willl I interact with people,or will I sit in my own fake fantasy world?
It is quite scary.

Why did i write this whole novel?
Im not sure.
Maybe cause I just want you guys to know what I've been living with and dealing with for the past week.
The vulnerabity.
The anxiety.

I am undergoing intense surgery.
Will I have faith in the Doctor?
Do I trust Him?

Good day all-
Uri

p.s. guard does not take phone calls ever.i had to make it really clear that this was a life or death situation.so if u try getting his number and he doesnt give it,thats cause he doesnt.

should i remove this post?

No way! There's so much to learn from this!

2B

Uri wrote on 15 Sep 2009 08:40:


NO!

eh,mom,you just like it cause ur a heroin in it.

thank you,btw

Wow, that's pretty intense.

I have a few things to say.

1. Guard and 7Up are the heroes of our generation. Thank you for saving Uri.
2. Uri, the answer is to replace your relationship with sex and alcohol with a spiritual relationship with HaShem. How is a hard question, but see the next point.
3. Uri, I think you REALLY need to get in a 12 step program. Why not start by calling in to one of the 12 step programs listed on this forum? (Baruch or Duvid Chaim).
4. My advice is that you right now throw out every phone number of any girl willing to have sex with you at the drop of a hat. Just like we delete porn from our computers. Do it right now while you're sane!

Momo wrote on 15 Sep 2009 09:01:

1)Agreed
2)True,but also with my self and the world around me.
3)I don't have access to an american line.
4)Already out but u'd be surprised how easy they are to find if u just know where to look.plus,im not sane.

Uri wrote on 15 Sep 2009 09:04:


You can't dial an American phone number from your parent's house? Tell them that you found this really great mussar group in the States that you want to join.

I meant a moment of sanity. We are all sane, but with moments of insanity.

I posted on DC's call summary. I don't know if you saw it, but it might be helpful to you today. Here's the link: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=727.msg17955#msg17955

Momo wrote on 15 Sep 2009 09:31:

great mussar group??
ha!my parents wont even pay for yeshiva.good one
i am insane with moments of sanity
ill check out dc thanks

i have a tremendous headache.
its been going on for the past 4 days or so
coping mechanism?

Do you drink coffee?

2B