brought tears to my eyes. Uri, you are out of this world.

Uri wrote on 05 Sep 2009 19:06:


Uri,

I don't think that that is a part of you. I'm sorry.
I THINK THAT THAT IS YOU!!
More important, is for you to realize that that is you.
Everything else is a part of... the "good" and the "bad"...
the songs... the p**n... the s**... the yeshiva bochur... the chazan...
Which parts will you, a heilige piece of kedusha that is inherently connected to HKB"H, choose?

and talking about lecha dodi, who here did not smile when saying the words "uri uri shir daberi" and think about how our friend uri is doing, and how the rest of the chevra are, hoping everyone is smiling on this holy shabbos...

may the beauty and kedusha of shabbos shine light on the rest of the week for all of us...

struggle

URI SHAVUA TOV GITVOCH
NO QUESTION THE HEILIGEH REB LEVI YITZCHOK OF BARDICHEV "THE" SINAYGAR OF KLAL YISROEL TOOk Your kabbala shabbos to the kisei hakavod
AND SAID THIS THIS IS WHAT A BACHUR WHO IS WRESTLING WITH
AMALEK LAVAN ESAV THE SAMECH MEM THE NACHASH HAKADMONI
THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL SONG YOU HEAR
I AM SURE THE HEILIGE SHPOLI ZAYDE AND THE TZADDIKIM OF YORE WERE "TANTZIN "
YOUR ZAYDES AND BUBBES WERE INVITED TO YOU BOIII BASHALOM
REB SHLOIME ALKABETZ
SAID WITH DELIGHT
HISNAAARIII MEIAFAR KUMI!
bardichev

Thank you guys for the nice responses.
I did not have the best of nights (its almost over)
Struggle convinced me to go to bed at around 3.
I tossed and turned for around a half hour until i just decided to head back to the computer.
Im gonna head out to the kosel soon for vasikin
I will daven for all of you guys iy'h
If anybody has a specific person they want me to daven for let me know in the next 20 minutes or so.(it could even be them)
-uri

Uri,

One of the Chassidish Rebbes said something to this effect.

"One that can't get up after a terible sin and Daven as if he has never sined before, has not yet touched the tip of Chassidus!"

I guess what you did Firday Night gives me a greater understanding of this point more then I ever did.

Git Voch
E.L.

Gosh this place is dead sat night/sun morning!
just when i need you guys most!
weak

bs"d

Hope u r doing ok, Uri.

Fine since noone else is posting ill say something(what else is new)

I had a very long and difficult night.
I had a very long and difficult week.
Ive been in a very bad emotional state and im not really sure how to get out of it.
Anything you guys suggest,i will have tried.Thank you,though.
Last night(this morning really) i fell.
I had really really wanted to go for the 90 this time.
I was inspired by my mothers attainment of the 90 and hoped to use that inspiration to do so myself.
I barely made 3 days.

But i took a shower,put on a fresh pair of clothes,grabbed my tefillin(first i had to look for them.havent seen them in a couple of days)and i headed out to the kotel.
As i stood there wraping my tefillin on my arm,i felt like such an idiot.
Who the heck do I think I am?!
I just entered a world of tumah and znus and wasted life for enjoyment?
What am I doing here?
As that thought crossed my mind,I had a picture of Hashem pushing me away.
Get out of here,He was saying.I dont need you to daven to Me.

I was feeling pretty stupid when i remembered something that 7up told me the other day.
It was based on her own experience but i have had similiar ones.
I will share mine because i dont remember exactly what happened to her.
I came home from yeshiva last week exhausted and depressed.
My little 5 year old sister ran over shreiking for a hug.
"Not right now.Im so tired.Ill play with you later".
But to my surprise she again reached for a hug.
"I said not right now.My arms are full,and im really tired and not feeling well."
I was speaking gently but firmly.
But she kept persisting."Uri,pick me up.Hold me."She was begging.
I was so moved I put down my bags and reached down to pick her up and hugged her with all the love that i possessed.I couldnt stop kissing her.
This memory flashed through my mind as i stood there in my tefillin in front of the wall as the sun was soon going to rise.
I said to Hashem
"Listen.I don't know if you want me to talk to you or not.Youre probably sick of me by now,and You are trying to get me to go away.But no matter how hard you push,I will keep reaching for You.You cant get rid of me,not the yetzer hara not the satan,noone.I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
And with that,i davened shacharis.
I davened for all of us at GYE and thought of a few specific strugglers that i know are having quite a painful difficult time.And I cried.
And I thought of myself.
And I cried.
Hashem I just want to be good.
I just want to learn without going crazy inside.
I want to be able to daven without feeling this deep guilt.
I want to be a holy home among klal yisrael.
I want to have a pure marriage.
I don't want this anymore.
Is this too much to ask for??!!

On the ride home,barely a quarter hour after an elated shacharis i was again feeling quite depressed.But now there was something in addition to that.I felt vulnerable.
Why?
Now there will be those who will disagree with what im about to say,but this is my opinion.
I have discussed before the idea of a sensitive more feminine part of a person which feels pain quite strongly.Many of us close this part of us up and put defenses to the world around us.Part of the defense is ignoring this side.
We are not to blame for these defenses for our trust in the world is nifgam and therefore we cant bear the fear of the real world.
When on the site or when having a intimate tefilla,we put down our defenses.
And we are happy.And we feel secure.
But we are vulnerable.
How can we have this happiness and security without having to put up a whole defense system?
Im not sure.
But my therapist might.
Ill let you all know if i find out.
-uri

Uri wrote on 25 Aug 2009 20:23:


u once threatened to call me at 4 in the morning... im waiting buddy...

u didnt barely make three days. u accomplished three (2.95, if u insist) days clean and they werent easy for you. what does dov say? what does that book youve been reading have to say?

in my humble opinion, depression is a lie. it could feel very real, but it is a lie. vulnerability, now, wow, that is emes, that is real stuff. and can be really scary... looking forward to hearing what you learn from your therapist. i may have a few ideas myself if ur interested.

why are there no hugs on this site?! kissing is awkward..., and not exactly what i feel like offering at the moment...
where are the bears?!

bs"d
struggle wrote on 06 Sep 2009 07:58:

:D

Uri thank your for going to the kosel, and davening. And for davening for yourself. I feel like anything i can write, you already know, so... i will just say thank you again for your post, and for sharing your experiences with us in such a detailed and sincere way.

Uri, your posts keep making me cry!  :'(




I did. I really did! When saying those words I thought of Uri!

me too.
Especially this part




You've taught me a powerful lesson. Hashem, I will not stop reaching for you to hold me, either. Foggedddaaboudit.

I gotta run out now
you guys are mamesh taking over my life
i feel much less alone these days
such deep beautiful people all gathered in one place
can this be possible?
i will iy'h respond to all the replies when i get back home tonight
now im going to try to find something positive to do with my life
good day everyone-uri

p.s. over the weekend 3 of the 4 sibligns fell (uri,trying,habib)
isnt it as if we have sibling extra senses that sense when our brother/sister is down and it brings us down too?
letakein howre u holding up?

Hey , that would mean we have an huge responsibility on our shoulders. So... who started? jk

G'luck in everything you do!